Head Down

May. 11th, 2017 08:18 pm
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In Fort. First week of work. Busy getting up to speed, there's a bunch of learning curve around many things, both mind and body. Househunting, but don't have anything to come home to right now, so my days are mostly focused on work. Hobbies will come when I have a space for them and have settled in. It's nice, in a way, to be able to focus so much. It would be nicer to have someone waiting at home to distract me.

Josh is keeping himself very busy on the coast fixing up a new boat; there's a six or seven week span where I'm seeing him only for a single day. Tucker is coming up one week a month, but this is not that week. No new dogs till I have a home for them. I am getting my rabbits in two weekends, which will be excellent. My current landlady is really great to talk to and live with, but not the same as someone waiting to snuggle me.

More about work and houses when I know.

How do you decide if a house is the right house?
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I guess there's a theme to this week. It's a theme I'm already aware of, but that's particularly highlighted by recent goings-on.

For instance, I'd been having some fairly rough motivation/mental health times this last few months. Got back into yoga, have set myself a 30 days/30 yoga classes goal, may add some running back into that, and my body is doing much better, as is my motivation to do, well, anything except the terrible arbitrary class at school. This is the one with no marking rubric, no feedback on what is supposed to be in the final product, and no grounding in the real world. I remember, now, that when my mental health gets back into normal levels, it rejects things that are bad for me: just pushes them out of my life so I can get back to doing proper life things. And school is bad for me, at least this course is. Means I need to put a lid on wellness enough to be externally motivated by school (ugh) but keep myself well enough to make it through (just a few more months).

The internal/external sufficiency is coming up in relationship stuff too. With Josh we're pretty hands-off about each other's stuff: help if we're able, but the default isn't leaning on each other. The newer relationship is a little different than that, and it's been running in a weird pattern the last several weeks: we've had big chunks of time, then big chunks of apart. I'm having a lot of trouble switching between being comforted/buoyed by someone else being here, and being happy/comforted by my home and my self after stressful days. Everything seems to run fine if I alternate days, but not if I alternate longer multi-day stretches. Part of the issue is that I set a default as to who to talk to about interesting/important things (myself via LJ, home partner, friends network, whatever) and have trouble switching that back and forth quickly.

And, of course, my future is a very large dependency/independence question: dependent on the job, independent in a house of my own, etc. It's pretty scary to be talking to mortgage brokers and thinking about making big decisions like this on my own. I want people to talk to about it, but so many of the people I know have a very different experience than I do. How do you weigh intangibles against each other?

But, time for yoga shortly. There's lots to say but maybe not enough of a pattern to write it out yet.


Oct. 25th, 2016 09:43 am
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Today I am deeply grateful for the years I've spent learning myself, assembling a user guide so that when I need to work with myself in challenging circumstances I can do so. I can catch myself when I begin to spin into dark places, I can accept love and help where needed, I can sense what forces are at work and come up with a pretty good idea of what's good for me and what's not. I can self-monitor pretty well. I can be brave about my needs because I know they are actual needs, relentless, and heading them off at the pass is the simplest way to deal.

I am grateful for my people-picker which surrounds me with folks who really do seem to care and do good things in my life.

And I am grateful for my hope for the future, for my ability to envision a life that is better than my current one, reach for it, take it or something similar, and therefore iteratively improve my situation. Over and over.
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It has been a very hard week, and now I'm happy again.

This post would be so different had I written it this morning; I'd thought to do so. This journal has never sought to be a dispassionate recounting of external facts, not even close, and any story I tell here would be told differently a week later, and then different again a year later, or five years. I'm glad to be telling the story now and not earlier.

I haven't been sleeping well, and I have just started bleeding. These are maybe the root of everything, especially the former. Josh hasn't lived with a partner before; I didn't really come up here with the energy or intention of settling into permanent patterns nor really thought about making patterns with him. Our sleep logistics have not worked themselves out well, and I have been spending time on James as well, and work has been running longer than I expected many days. Sleep, food, and time to think to myself are the three things I should never be without. I've been without too much sleep, and it has felt terrible. A little more of it and soon everything would feel like the end of the world.

I had a nap this afternoon, and maybe I can put these things in a way where they are not the end of the world.

Work is the first and biggest thing. The people I worked with last summer, my first forestry job, were first intriguing and then important to me. I'm having a harder time finding my way into this set of people; the summer students are diverse in personality but not so much in age, they are (we are?) very much thrown together without other people's involvement, and although I can get along with everyone ok, more-or-less, I'm having trouble finding my way into really liking or caring about them. You know me, you've been reading what I write for so long, so you know what a strange statement that is for me. I can usually like people I spend time with.

The whole office is a little bit like that, and maybe if I spent a bunch of time with the individuals it would help a bit, but there's this sense of group othering that I'm never very comfortable with. Conversations can centre around "can you believe this group of people did or said this thing?" without seeking to understand the ins and outs of why or how. I don't like those. I miss the folks from last summer. I both hope I find a way to like this place where I am now, and am giving serious thought to going back there next summer even though it is very far away from Vancouver. And from both Josh and James.

I was going to end this post with him, leave you on a beautiful note, and talk about the garden and the rabbits in the middle, but here we are and he's come up in the same way he came into my life in the last little while: abruptly, surprisingly, but at the right time. I've been embracing that.

Here's the story: over a year ago I went to a friend's... birthday party? It was near Dave's apartment, I'd just moved in for a month before moving up to Fort St James, and a handful of us ended up going for drinks and then back to Dave and my place to hang out. The apartment was all boxes halfway between being unpacked and put in storage, it's a wonder we invited people back, but there we were and it was a lovely evening. There was a person I didn't know who ended up back at the apartment with us, no doubt participating in the discussion: eye-catching long tawny-gold hair and compact assurance, quiet but expressive in face and gesture, some combination of elegant movement and solid sensibility, a little well of gravity in the corner of the apartment I spent most of the evening either looking at or looking away from. Honestly I did more of the latter: Dave and I hadn't discussed how we'd handle flirting or dating while we were both living in that one-bedroom apartment or really in small party situations like that, so I kept myself under wraps. The closer you get to a source of gravity, after all, the harder it pulls, and I was leaving the city's orbit.

I went so far as to get him on facebook and that was a month of job-seeking, packing, exams, rough times with Dave, little energy, and then I was out of town. The next year I was mostly absent; away in Fort, and also emotionally absent when I came back to school. The source of gravity was still there, a tiny trickle of awareness across facebook when I looked at it, a little temptation which I had no energy to meet. When my exams were almost done I suddenly came alive again and there he was, as apparently eager for a date as I was, less than a week before I left town. The whole thing moved at... I was going to say 'my speed' but it was remarkably mutual, and so here I am up in Williams Lake living delightedly with Josh and putting in a garden but with, again, a long distance relationship. A joyful, loving, competent-with-the-internet, visiting-soon, who knows what will happen next? long distance relationship.

I am very pleased. I am (when I don't get enough sleep) drowned in poly guilt but sometimes clear-headedly ok. I am putting in work when I can. I am happy. He is wonderful in every way I could want.

So that's James.

Josh and I are putting in the garden still; it's slow and we have less time and energy than expected, but the plastic is going up on the greenhouse today. We haven't had our last frost yet and so many plants get hauled into the garage when the temperature is forecast low; we may finally be able to move just to floating row cover for the tender things until we get the beds in the greenhouse built. We have been enabling each other buying things that grow; lately iris and daylily and roses in addition to the veggies we've started from seed. We have fruit trees to plant. My soul feels good.

Mella has bonded to the baby rabbits, and they don't fight at all. They lie around snuggled all up together sometimes, or groom each other, and when I'm petting Mella, Odin will come up to be petted and Juniper will come up to lick her in the spots my petting has missed. The little ones have un-litter-trained Mella, but that can be dealt with. It's good to have them with me.

Next weekend Josh and I are going camping at Chilko Lake, which is "out west." From Williams Lake everything is "out west," "out east," "down south," or rarely "up north". The coast doesn't really exist in this dry land except as a mythic place. It is sort of its own centre for the surrounding smaller towns; neither Prince George nor Vancouver really has a pull, though Kelowna is perhaps the metropolitan centre it orbits.

It's dinner time now, grilled hamburgers and salad and contemplating the garden-to-be. I'm ok. I will try to sleep more; I will keep switching strategies until I find one that works. I like being happy, and my afternoon nap gave that back to me after a week without.

I can get through this summer.

Talk to you soon.
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I went flying. A co-worker is a hobby pilot, and took me and Dave in a tiny plane from Vanderhoof to Smithers to Terrace to Burns Lake and back. Looking down at the land changing from a low open valley to gravel-spike snowy mountains, watching the rivers meander and crash and the patchwork quilts of green, it hammered me with the same emotion love always drives into me: a frantic restlessness, a need to do or prove as if the love can't just exist without action. This is dragon-slaying love, questing love, poetry-writing love. It is not lying together and feeling breath and heartbeat love. I look forward to its maturation.

This land. Love. And here I am in it. I never know what to do with what I want when I get it, though I am so good at getting it.

And I passed a check-cruise this week, so I'm officially up to standard at my job, and I'm not always so far behind anymore, and I'm not exhausted at the end of each day. We're on easy ground this week, so that likely helps, but I'm no longer feeling like work is impossible and I'm no good. It's gonna be ok.
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Hi there. It's been a bit longer than expected, hasn't it?

I've been up here a month now (I guess technically the fourth is tomorrow, but I've been here four and a half weeks. I've accumulated a ton of extra hours (over and above my expected ten hour days) and the person I was supposed to accompany into the bush today called in sick, so I was given a half-day. I came home and slept; I haven't slept well the last few nights and I really needed the rest. Now I'm prepping pizza dough for the next couple days, grilling a steak for dinner (to go with my korean potatoes and sprouts that I made last night and a nice greens'n'weeds salad), and listening to music in this space for the first time since my housemate is away for the evening.

http://r3.ca/4bLb Please escort me/To the end/ Of this tome/Please destroy me/And discard me...

I'm feeling bittersweet lonely, and I'm thinking about people I haven't talked to in awhile. Specifically I'm thinking about Michael -- this music always makes me think of him, as does any mention of Williams Lake -- and I'm feeling that sensation of the past being so out of reach, feeling so garbled and distant, like a movie watched when half-asleep in a foreign language. All those steps in my life to which I was so intimately tied led me here but in doing so they have altered me so those times are beyond my reach now.

I guess that's a long way of repackaging the cliche that you can never go back. You're always arriving as a different person, to a place that's changed.

Sometimes those places still love you like home. Sometimes they don't.

Maybe this music always makes me feel like this. http://r3.ca/1u22

I'm getting better moving through the bush. I'm feeling less useless at work. With this comes the crop of issues learning to get along in the company, to work with different personalities and positions. It's a little chaotic, there's not enough scheduling to make everything run really efficiently there. The people who work there have pretty diverse personalities. I think I made the right choice, both for career and for place to be this summer, but it's not entirely easy.

I'm homesick this week, last weekend I felt too far away from you to even write.

There are things I'm really enjoying. I changed supper plans and harvested the first cucumber from the greenhouse to make my salad. I have time to cook and I haven't eaten at a restaurant (except for a milkshake with Dave) since I got here. I saw the most beautiful landscape the other day at work, walked through it actually, all blueberries and Ribes and "balsam" and Lycopodium. I keep anticipating swimming in the lake, though I haven't gone yet since it's always cooled down by the time I get home. I love the curve of the mountains. Things keep blooming like crazy. People are so friendly. My housemate is wonderful.

I miss human touch. I miss sex. I miss my stuff. I miss yoga. I miss pho and sushi. I miss the ocean, and cedar trees, and trees of reasonable size. I miss green fields.

I miss my people.

I especially miss Dave.

I miss having a home.

But here I am, and it's not so bad. I'll just be settled in before I'm gone again.

Lots of love.


Mar. 11th, 2014 08:38 am
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TS Eliot nailed it: "...a hundred visions and revisions, ... For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse."

That's where I am right there. Nailed it indeed.

I am moving for the end of this month.

I am offered a place in the west end, slightly too small for me and with no deck and no dishwasher but with lovely floors and east windows and Stanley Park and the beach right there and the world outside my front door and in an apartment building so fully autonomous.

I am offered a place at Main x 41st, huge, beautiful and new, dishwasher and yard, but with a family above with kids. It's not the noise I'm worried about; it's the lack of loud sex. Close to Tenay and her family, who could share meals. This list of positives looks longer, doesn't it?

Price isn't a big difference between them. They are both the same distance to UBC biking-wise. I like both landlords.

This is a lifestyle choice. No question. Will I live more out in the world, at the park and the beach and at school, or will I nest up in my home with my hobbies? Will I have folks over a few at a time or in bigger groups? Will I fergodsakes have to rent a storage locker for my booze that needs aging? Even... will I eat more rice or more western/mediterranean (oh dear gods, middle earth, why did I just now see that?)?

I think I will take the west end one, but I am... not sure. No smoking meat. No all-grain brewing. I don't know. This feeling is the meaning of the word torn.

And no matter how torn I am, here's me walking into the future.
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You've held me for years now. I came to you in the dark, going into winter, and it's coming out of winter into the chinese new year, the one set during the first real feel of spring, that I'll leave you.

There were days in there where I thought we'd never leave but just go on wearing our comfortable habits each into each until we fit perfectly. I've never been the only person who gets to make that choice, though.

People come and go and come again and go, again. My moods, my goals, my desires: they shift and double down on themselves and fade like cream just poured into coffee, swirling and spinning and blending finally one into the other. You are distinct from those. You've been there when I've wanted you, protective and never startling, a shell to keep the storms and the bright sun off in equal measure when shelter was needed. You've been there when I would have rejected you. When I doubted my own sufficiency you challenged me and, when I met that challenge, gave me something at least I could do well enough in my life for someone or something.

I am never too much for you, nor too little. I never worry that I'll do or say something wrong in regards to you, because you are supremely mine in a way no person can be. We dress up together sometimes, or dress down and have a party, maybe with friends and waffles and cartoons or maybe just with tea and muffins as the rising sun crawls through the room.

I know your secrets, you see. I know how at certain times of year, when the sun is low and there is so much dark in the world, you let light all the way inside just for a few minutes every morning to dance across the furthest recesses of your kitchen. I know how during the summer you hunker down and barely let the high sun in at all, but shoot strong cool breezes at that one courtyard window that will chill down the whole house if I work with you. I know the knocking sound of your fireplace starting up and the ticking of gas feeding the flames and the way pools of warm and cool air collect, each in its own room.

I can walk through you at night with my eyes closed and never miss a step.

But: you have always been another's, and it is to that other you will return. My beer and bookshelves will vanish, replaced by her potpourri scents and framed photos. Your kitchen will fall silent. You will recede into memory, fading finally into part of the person who comes after me as you are part of me now. I in turn will go on and fit my skin into another space, will bless another set of walls with my music and my tears, will expand into another shell that will eventually hold me as you do now.

Thank you for everything. You have been very good to me. May it go as well for us both as it has so far, if not better.

Dry Land

Apr. 30th, 2011 11:08 pm
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Today we went to Whonnock Lake (among other places) with class, and went out into a bog that was slowly claiming the lake as land. We walked out as far as we could, me in sneakers along with a couple other people, until we were ankle-deep on the yielding ring-raft of floating, living vegetation that included spicy-smelling labrador tea, spaghnum moss, and hardhack. We stood there listening to lecture for 45 minutes and doing some measurements (the temp was between 10-12 degrees in the water, the pH was about 5 but in the spaghnum clusters was as low as 3.7) and it was glorious. A paid of bald eagles flew overhead; one perched on a nearby snag and watched for fish. Soon the whole lake will be eaten; it will be only bog, then slowly become swamp, then forest. This is a very slow process. My feet are still tingly and warm and happy from the long immersion, and my pyjamas are extra comfy.

Soon there will be chili in the crock pot.

I came home to my own bed in the bedroom instead of the one I've shared with Angus. The closet isn't yet empty, so I can't put up my clothes, and the house is hardly sorted, but this was pretty symbolic. We've got some dates set up next week because, well, we're now operating in that paradigm; tonight was supposed to be one of those but we both fell asleep. This happens frequently to us. Co-napping is comfy. I have the excuse of my schedule, but I worry about him. He's lost a lot of weight and I don't know how far that can keep going, and he's lethargic many days.

I think about mortality sometimes, following that arc of thought, and it hurts me beyond all things.

Tonight I've been using the time during the rest of his nap to answer craigslist ads for housing. There's one with a fire pit for eco-friendly people! Actually a bunch of them are exciting today, I'm glad I've had both time to answer them and a day (Monday) off-ish in the near future to go looking at the places I've written to. It's frustrating to not be able to get there to see places.

Looks like there may be a new, safely self-limiting connection in my life made at SMF. My dance card is so happily full right now that I'm cautious, but my life is nothing if not a kaleidoscope of little shiny bits squeezed in here and there.

Music is particularly making me happy today.

Now for chili. Be well, y'all.


Mar. 1st, 2011 07:39 am
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I am splitting my time between being in love, not being in love, and schoolwork.

My routine's altered a titch, and will continue to be a little different for the next little while what with the six-day schoolweeks.

Right now everything is humming along with my chosen people. I seem to be at the point where the people who I make an effort to include in my life are making efforts back, there's stuff to say and do between us, and everything is flourishing. It helps that depression seems to be taking its ugly fingers off my friends this month.

I've been skipping the occasional big social event in favour of downtime: either sleep or time to myself or homework. This has been a fantastic choice on my part. I've been ramping up the exercise, which, when combined with my incipient period, means I'm tired all the time but this will pass. My body feels good. My weight is up and muscles are starting to show up. I have a fitness goal for firefighting and a physical ability goal for yoga: 5-minute balances, yo.

Sewing's gone underground in favour of sleep and homework, for now. I have some pants I really should get done, though: I want the products of that sewing, I really do.

My baby rats are stupid-crazy adorable, and my BEWs are still white-- this is a breeding goal I've been pursuing since the beginning, and only just achieved-- and one of the boys is an excellent shoulder rat already. I want to be able to take my rats to school in the evenings, I mean one or two on my shoulder, but nuts to me. I don't think it'd go over well.

My freezer is super well-stocked, which means that the money shortage at the end of the month doesn't stress me out as much as it might.

I need to do something about my branding, about my taxes (which involves sending off a written, signed document), and study for my citizenship test.
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Normally emotion drives me to post. Even if that emotion is sort of a desire for future nostalgia, or a sense of duty, it's usually combined with excitement, resignation, panic, joy, all those normal Greenie emotional buttons.

Right now I'm in a lovely in-between space where there's nothing. It's a dark place, but dark like pulling the blanket over your head, not dark like the pit I was sitting in last night.

It's funny because yesterday was a pretty wonderful day all round. There was painting Thursday night, I slept in late late late Friday (didn't wake up till 9!) and decided not to go in to work till almost noon because I only had a couple of hours of work to get done. I was enticed into a morning full of companionship and sex (which continued as 'magic wand and sex and lots of towels' which is something I think I really needed) and work went swimmingly (one hotel had a busted service elevator so the day was even shorter than I had thought it would be, though Monday will be longer; I got in to spray things I normally couldn't, look I'm talking about work again). I was low-energy after work, sorta napped with Angus, he got pretty sick in that time, and I went out to hang out with Paul and his fifty million closest friends in a bar before he headed back to Sudan today.

Paul and I talked a little, and it was the ugliest conversation I've had in my life. He's been teaching environmental awareness and preservation/restoration to villages there, watching the sand desert creep in to what could be (and was) productive dryland that's subject to the worst possible stresses; (this is where the housewarming guests arrive and I have an awesome housewarming, get three hours of sleep, wake up, and post what I got of this. I feel much better, those were so many really lovely people. I especially love the talking-till-4am part of parties; those are the best parties one can have)


Apr. 30th, 2010 06:10 pm
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Getting sick, but: this will be a cooking evening, with ratties and boy. Named blue dwarf boy Levi and charcoal half-possum girl Jessica Rabbit. Couple more names to find! Snuggles and talking to be had too.

Hook pull tomorrow. Couple hours of work Sun, Mon night is GAVIN COMING, Tues is beekeeping thing, Wed is off work with scarification in evening.


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There's a very distinctly different qualitative difference in the feel of my life when I'm sleeping 8 hours a night, eating enough, and getting hours to myself here and there.

I have the ability to sit still, to appreciate things more deeply (though not as intensely), to make more useful choices that perpetuate whichever state I'm in (unpack the house rather than gallivant around, for example), and to take the world as it comes. I am not distracted all the time. I do more hedonistic things, and less social things (some of my hobbies, like sex, span both these states nicely).

Last night I fell asleep before ten. Today: short workday, house getting slowly organized, lunch with a dear friend, finally got in touch with mom. Still to do: plan potluck stuff for tomorrow, more tidying and cleaning, get my butt striped up.

I remember this fluctuation; I've always had it. I used to call it summer Greenie and winter Greenie, because it used to be so seasonal for me. So much difference creeps in- intellectual vs experiential and interpersonal, high energy vs low, internally focused vs external. I said up there it was sleep and self-care that cause it, but who's to know those abilities are not symptoms instead? Perhaps correlated in some other way?

I wish I could manage graceful transitions on this keyboard, but I can't. All I can manage is the gist of a thought. Next one up, as I sort my clothes into dressers: I have a lot of cool clothing! More skirts than pants by both volume and number, enough that I may need a second skirt drawer, and likewise dresses. I'm looking forward to wearing things to things in the next little while, though the best will be saved for after the masquerade.

Well, there's my break. Back to making my home a house.

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I had about half a meditation on poly written out before I got to work, then my new shiny device ate it. I've been thinking a bunch about my current situation lately, and wrestling some of the details into clarity with Angus.

When he and I first started dating I offered (for the first time in my life, I think) to do the monogamous thing. Angus said (hear my heart sink) 'no, seeing other people seems fun'. Since that time I've become enmeshed in a web of friends and (much smaller) of lovers that are, no surprise, pretty important to me. During that time, too, both he and I have grown tons- we're boh much more realized individuals than we were.

And now we're pinning it down with a lease and I'm like, ok, what am I DOING? What do I want out of this, what should it look like, if it's gonna close someday (perhaps always the plan) how will that be forme and what will the relationship need for me to be happy with that?

It's complicated by a couple things, not limited to my inexperience with monogamy and Angus' continually-worse chronic illness.

I guess everone deals with this in a partnership-type relationship; how important can people be, how important can work be, how do you keep pointed in similar directions. On top of that there's the extra poly ride.

So I was writing about that when my phone ate the post. Then I learned it's a bad thrips year at work (pests run in cycles, often every seven years, all across the continent in unconnected buildings, and thrips are the hardest to control except maybe for scale) and then on my way home I remembered that mynew neighborhood is a permaculture paradise.

So now I'm writing to inform you that there are chestnuts as street trees in my neighborhood, people grow broccoli on their apartment decks, and there's a food forest with a view half a block from me in a community garden.

Which leadsme to wonder: how many of you would have any interest in a permaculture tour/lesson if I were to host one sometime?

So busy lately! The days are all running together so it feels either like time isn't passing or like everyhing is happening simultaneously. Lookin forward to mid-April.

Read more... )

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I remember this time of year. I remember spring with the sun streaming in on the carpets, I remember the air this fresh and cold in the shadows but you'd never trust that cold because the sky was so incredibly blue and bright. I remember the smell of apartment-hunting, this era and that era. I remember walking the streets when the temperature and the flowers were -just like this-. Kynnin and I were moving from Abbotsford to Vancouver for the first time that year. Jan was coming, back and forth, and I remember my heart pounding this hard waiting for that-- waiting for someone always sets my world spinning. I remember walking to the nursery down the block and I'd never have dressed warmly enough, being so dazzled into belief in summer by the spring sun. I remember things unfolding. I remember me unfolding.

I remember moving into a new place with Kynnin, I remember meeting with the landlord and jumping through hoops. I remember that we had a place together that was ours. I remember wondering what to do with the walls-- paint or fabric? I remember wondering, how do we make this a home? I remember high ceilings being important.

I remember the pit of my stomach turning over at Jan's voice on the phone. I remember cool air spilling in through the sliding door and slapping my skin. I remember sitting on the computer catching up with people and feeling so full of love and contentment and excitement that I was sure it rolled through the screen and out through the windows and left the city brimful of joy.

I remember apportioning rooms - this one the bedroom, this one the computer room. I remember graveyard shifts and never getting to sleep together. I remember lying in the lonely bed and it was an entirely different kind of waiting. I remember the click of the keyboard from the other room and how it was louder than anything because it meant Kynnin was -there- and I was here, alone. I remember the clear blue sky. I remember the balcony. I remember planning my plants. I remember the feel of the earth. I remember. I remember.

And now here I am. That was before livejournal, and the story exists only in me, scribed across my reactions. Yesterday was so sunny, it was the same cool, it was the same spring, and Angus and I had just been to sign the lease. My stomach has been all steel-winged butterflies with someone else and I have been made to wait. I have sat long talking to friends with my keyboard and I remember now how lonely that is with no voices around. So recently I was trying to sleep every day in a lonely bed while Angus went about his day. We will be moving soon. I have a person to look forward to. It is the same spring.

And so I feel like I've come right around, like the wheel has turned and put me in the same place as I was before. Whatever my mind tells me, I cannot escape the feeling of being right where I was.

And I cannot escape remembering that I was so happy there and then things fell apart.

None of it is actually the same. It's different people, different situations. I'm more independent now, Angus is not Kynnin, my crush is not Jan nor is there anything the same there really. I am not trying to negotiate the currents of a quad while dealing with two full-time poly relationships, I have a better grasp on who I am and what I want, so many things on my side are different. So many things on Angus' side are different too, but of course another human being is guessable, but ultimately unknowable. I don't recall it being my side that was the problem, though memory is a fickle thing. I remember a downturn and then the rug just being yanked out from under.

I don't want this to be yanked out from under. I have always had the feeling in my life that if I was too happy I would be punished, that if I flew too high there would be a crash. I was trained from an early age to pay attention to subtle forebodings and not place my trust in anything people could give me-- or more precisely, in anything people could take away from me. That's the legacy of my father's kind of abuse, and of my mother's staying with him. I've been throwing it off a little, I've been enjoying (cautiously) doing what I want to do. I've been learning that a lot of life is in my own hands, and I've been learning how to set a good path when it's not.

Yesterday morning I was so scared, though. Everything felt -just the same-. And though that was a wonderful thing and this spring feels like flying, I knew where that led. Last time I was so unaware of the fragility of human intention. My head may say it's different, but ghosts and echoes are skittering in the spaces thought doesn't illuminate.

In the end it doesn't matter. I do my best (I will do my best) I will enjoy the ride (it is such a lovely ride) and it will be okay (I want it to be my kind of okay).

Enough is enough. Now it's my keyboard going while he's in a lonely bed. That's no way to begin a Sunday. :>
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I'm feeling calmer today. I want to try to hold onto that. We've decided on the place we want; we put down the deposit tonight, then I can stop worrying. It's basically right behind/beside VCC, at St Catherine's X 6th. We decided against the little house because although it's AWESOME (well, old, not polished, but super cute and a stand-alone house with a yard) it would be absolutely stretching our budget and, well, I'm tryin' ta go to school here.

I had the most interesting and engaging dream last night. I was taking a philosophy class, and I walked in a little late-- it was the second session. I was handed a test, two pages, double-sided, multiple choice. And the test didn't make any sense. The questions went sort of like this:

1) How many kittens are in a basketful?
a) (picture of a circle with pink dots) b) (picture of an orange bar) c) picture of a pink circle with orange dots d) (a picture of a white-and-green circle)

So they didn't make any sense. The answers were mostly little abstract icons, when they had words they were nonsense. Neither I nor any of the rest of the class was worried, though. It felt like there was a point or a lesson to doing this, and when we were done the teacher would take them, look at them all, and show us whatever it was. I woke up before that point though. It was pretty pleasant trying to choose a 'best answer' and sort of puzzling over it all.

Well, here we are: another day. Today I need to pick up my last paycheque, talk to my old boss about my t4, get rat food & litter, lunch with Mom, and drop off the damage deposit/first month's rent. Then a nice dinner with Michael and I get to go to sleep again. These are all things to look forward to!

Look how social food is for me. I'm looking forward to living not-far from Tillie and CrazyChris, who do similar foodsy stuff. Nothin' like making a bunch of food and sharing it.


Dec. 30th, 2009 05:21 pm
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There's no light here. All day I was waiting for someone to open the blinds. It was pitch-black when I woke up. I still can't see the scenery because it's just to dark for my brain to process it. I also now understand what people mean when they say it's damp here. I thought that was just cold, but no, it's damp. Who knew?

My rats love me. I have three pregnant ladies who should give birth in the next week, and the time off to take care of the babies. The air smells nice and my home is like an old leather coat-- soft and warming to the temperature of my skin instantly and wrapped all around me so familiarly that I can't even see it. My brother took great care of it and of the rats, who are now all fat :) The dishwasher will be fixed tomorrow. My indoor plants need repotting. I live so much in the future when I'm given the chance, don't I? That's why I keep so busy-- I like the anticipation of so many things.

I'm looking for a truck and driver in the next day or two, does anyone have any leads?

My vacation was very odd. In some ways it felt like a return to childhood, you know how you have your decision-making somewhat stripped from you, hang around the house, don't have to work, etc? And of course there was no transit where we were staying with Angus' folks, so my external world was once again taken from my control and I was left with my internal one. I stay less busy that way. It's like living suspended in amber or resin, there's time to inspect each detail of everything, much contemplation and little action.

I enjoyed myself quite a bit in a low-key way. It's relaxing to have things taken from my hands. I helped with christmas dinner, that made me happy, and did some reading in linguistics/semantics and in historical botany. We spent two nights on the strip, saw a cirque show (Love), wandered around, had super cheap frozen margaritas, ate from buffets, touristed, came in when the crowds got big late at night. I spent a couple of dollars at a slot machine and another couple in five-cent poker machines and felt entirely surreal, dressed up amid crowds of people wearing jeans, and marvelled at landscaping (raphus palms outside! Grass in the desert!). Also during the stay we ended up at a nursery, went to the whole foods, did some shopping and some more shopping, saw the atomic testing museum and... perhaps that's all?

It was novel to be in a nursery and really really honest-to-god have no way of buying anything.

I did love the buffets as a breakfast choice especially. I do so love variety in eating, and taking a spoonful from thirty different dishes makes me feel so good. I was impressed with the food quality generally-- nothing was cheap, but the portions were american-sized and things weren't ever bad. In the mirage, where we stayed, the breakfast buffet had things like congee and the brunch buffet had some nice and authentic chinese dishes, which favourably impressed me. Of course all the mexican (sometimes "latin") was worlds better than anything here. I didn't dare try any of the sushi. There was cotton candy at one, once.

Oh, and Angus will kill me if I don't mention the wine bar, the Hostile Grape, that we went to in the M. It was a do-it-yourself dispensary, and since a picture is worth a thousand words, here:

You put in a card, push a button over the bottle of your choice for 1oz, 3oz, or 5oz, and out it comes. There's a chilled case for whites, and some nice ports. Tons of clean glasses, some sofas, and that's it. Really comfy and unpretentious place to taste stuff. Vancouver needs one.

Oh yeah, and we bought tens units. Huh.

We went to Red Rock. That would be an unbelievable place to climb. We've actually ended up with a whole bunch of 'next time' stuff: I wanna do the rides on the strip, Angus wants to play some of the games there, we both want to climb, I want to see the inside of everything (difficult for me, I'm allergic enough to cigarette smoke that I need to stay away from anything that allows smoking indoors after about 8pm when people start densifying). People smoking indoors is disgusting, btw.

Enough for now. Be well.
greenstorm: (Default)
There's nothing quite as centering and empowering as puttering around the house when you get off work early, making everything nicer and making it -yours-. If nothing else in life is a controlled environment, at least my home can be once in awhile.
greenstorm: (Default)
I guess this is as laid-back and leisurely as my weekends get right now.

It was really lovely, and there wasn't that much planned in it -- Saturday a house showing in the morning, then nurserying with Ellen and Piotr, then a party Saturday evening; Sunday I didn't have to be anywhere till 1pm, and I got home by dark.

Still I somehow managed to only get a couple hours sleep all told.

Going to the nursery with Piotr and Ellen was one of the best things ever-- we spent Piotr's money on two cherry trees, a pear tree, and two fig trees. We wandered around and chatted-- they chatted, I listened (it makes me happy when people I like get along) and wandered through the nursery, I chatted and they listened, and it was plants all the way really. That's paradise.

The people who came to view were awesome, but they were the second set who I've said 'I'll take you' and they get back to me a bunch later to say they've changed their mind. Really never trust anyone without a damage deposit. No matter how cool they seem or how much they seem to like the place. It's getting really frustrating.

Saturday was a birthday party at Kat-and-Doug's that turned into a topless party, then a panty party. I left at 3am, and would have stayed later if I hadn't had to get up in the morning. I need to have myself a panty party. It was awesome. I borrowed a pair of Kat's Hello Kitty panties, cause I never wear any. We got Jordan into a pair of pretty pink ones that said boy-girl-boy-girl all over them. Angus couldn't make it, he was working, but he wore his pretty panties to work -- moved without knowing it by the spirit of the night, I suppose. I also found myself really liking Bob's new roommate, for no reason I will post in public here.

Sunday was a slow start-- I did leave the party at 3am, got home around 4am, then woke up pretty early to assemble plants for Piotr's plant-a-thon. I brought him my second multi-blue clematis, a whole whack of tomatoes (6 sungold, 3 viva italia, 6 gardener's delight, 5 black krim, 3 yellow brandywine, and 4 I can't remember), two ginger mints, a thunbergia (one of the three I inherited after the masquerade, I gave one to my mom, and kept the other), a green zebra tomato *cutting* (I'm in suckering and therefore cutting season), and a bunch of seeds: okra, lettuce, chard, kale, cukes, calendula, and generally stuff that could just be scattered to see if it would come up (barring the cukes, which were deliberately placed). He'd also got some zucchini and daylilies, we divided some of his own daylilies, he'd bought some basil plants and an echinacea that went in, and some minor stuff like that. We didn't plant the two cherry trees by the time I left, though we'd done the soil replacement and planted everything else and taken the ivy off the fence besides. It was a lovely day, I had Angus who was a fantastic help (you can tell he's done something similar to this before, he just knows what to do and does it well except that "a substantial hole" means something different in construction and gardening) and Juggler who was useful muscle plus it was just good to see him. Piotr made really nice food and was generally trusting of my garden-fu and placement-fu (!!!!) and it was really good all around. It was particularly nice to go into a garden with gas-smelling patches and dead things and leave with a fully-planted veggie garden, some fruit trees in the ground, everything tidy, and essentially everything *done* for the year except the occasional watering.

Then Angus ended up sick, and coughed all night, so though we got to bed early there wasn't as much sleep as I'd have liked. Tonight I'm on my own.

So yeah, not much free time. I'd like to start doing impromptu things again, and also hosting people in my lovely home. Soon the rat babies will be gone, I will have the roommate situation decided (I'm showing tomorrow, then I'll not worry about it till Friday, then till after the folk fest) and... isn't this a theme of my posts? ...then time will be mine. Sigh.

Until then, hang in there.


Jul. 8th, 2008 10:33 pm
greenstorm: (Default)
Met lots of cool potential roommates today-- hard to choose between them, though I think I know who I want. Gonna give it a little time to settle in before I decide. It's an oddly powerful position to be in, and one which requires saying no to a bunch of people. That's hard for me. It's neat to see how different cool people can be-- they're all hand-picked from the responses I recieved, and all people who I think I could get along with, but totally different from each other.

And! Gabe is over tonight, and might be around for awhile and even moving to Vancouver(!!!!!!) I haven't sat down and chatted with him in over a year. It's nice.

And! I made that chicken last night, which resulted in having two packed containers of meat for chicken sandwiches, salads, etc from only the breasts (I made it halfway through a leg for a midnight snack last night) and a ginormous pot of chicken stock on the stove and a bag of legs, etc n the fridge too. That is a big and tasty chicken-- I had forgotten that chickens have flavour, like turkeys do except chickenlike in nature.

And! I am PMSy, but have lovely patient people in my life.

And! My babies are the best babies. The other day I said 'these are the best babies' and Angus agreed, and I said 'all babies are the best babies' and he agreed again, and replied that he hadn't understood how that could be until now, when he's going through his second batch.

And! I am happy.


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