greenstorm: (Default)
I'm not sure how to start this, so instead I'll use this space for a to-do list for the day that makes me happy:

Eat: breakfast, lunch, dinner
Start turkey soup for dinner in crockpot
Make coffee cake for tomorrow's breakfast
Wash out beer bottles or at least set to soak
Maybe rack cider & decide if I'm adding stuff
Maybe start mead
Maybe drink barleywine
Tidy house/do dishes
Clean kitchen
Clean rat cages
Clean up rabbits
Do laundry
Change bedsheets
Maybe wash windows
Rummage through fabric stash for pj pants and bloomer fabrics
Maybe cut out bloomers patterns
Maybe start knitting
Maybe sex
Hang out with Kelsey
Hang out with Dave


Oct. 22nd, 2013 07:36 am
greenstorm: (Default)
It's been a dry, dry, dry year. We had a long rainless summer, and then after the briefest of rainy weeks our sunny clear fall began. We're still in the midst of that fall; I'm still watering at work, and it's nearly November. It's part of why work is such busy chaos right now.

A big fog has settled over the valley these last several days and I remember I only really sleep well when it rains, or when it's cloudy. I've had to be at work extra early with the change-out so I couldn't get the benefit of the fog, but today I slept until 7am! Seven! When I've had so many 5/6am mornings lately. If this keeps up I'm in danger of being a human again, instead of a won-out reacting mess.

Look, I can even write without panic!

What I came to say, though, is that I've been looking at schools again. I remember this feeling and the burnout that felt so immediate and meaningful, like this because it had a set end and because I was achieving an end thereby. I love challenges. I love barely-achievable goals. I especially love achieving the impossible; I love surpassing my limits in the service of some worthy end. BCIT let me do that all the time with that crazy schedule (were there only three of us that worked through it, in the last year?) and at the same time rub my brain against Norm's and those of the other profs. Sure I came home and cried from sheer exhaustion after many-to-most days in second term, sure it took I guess this long to recover, but I loved that set of circumstances.

So now I'm thinking about doing something much gentler, about adding one or two courses a term. I should see what parts of my BCIT stuff will transfer to UBC. I am pretty ultra skeptical of much of the UBC agroecology stuff these days. It would be pretty ironic if I ended up in something foresty over there after deciding so many years ago it wasn't for me. Botany/ecology would be great in theory, but I've never talked to those folks. The other option is Kent Mullinix's Sustainable Ag degree at Kwantlen, but that's a pretty damn big commute and a very new program. Of course, it has <3 Kent Mullinix <3 and I don't think UBC has anything like Norm. I should look up Deb, who teaches at UBC now, and speak with her about options.

But maybe I should avoid making decisions until I've transitioned my job, honestly. If I end up in arboriculture instead of just a different landscaping job I'll need to spend some time in a less-flexible job I can't do amazingly well with my mind tied behind my back.

I was going to title this post "crazy" but I've been super sensitive to negative language around mental health lately. I do, after all, have brothers who are "crazy".
greenstorm: (Default)
I've been beset by flashes of an odd feeling lately: not quite at loose ends, not quite bored, but waiting. I have a million things I'd like to do, that I would quite enjoy, but instead of actually doing them I find activities to kill time (and no, not just the internet). I wonder if it's just my organizing-mind burnt out from work and extra-busy scheduling, so I have no energy left over to schedule my solo time?

I had a truly lovely weekend surrounded by all sorts of folks. Now I feel the need for quality time with myself, not just waiting but doing unconstrained by the thousand subtle pieces of compromise and sharing that happen when others are around. I need to put myself in experimental space, to stretch, to challenge. I don't do that with people much except maybe with climbing. I do it alone, subject only to my own judgements.

What does my list of desirable things look like? Perhaps just writing it down is the first step.

o fix pottery wheel & get clay
o brewing 8 top up kousa wine & rack *apple-juniper wine (or cider, for Dec 7 party?) *sweet mead *another (stronger?) batch of graff to be ready for Dec 7 party?
o sewing *stripy skirts *bloomers *stretch long tops
o knitting *cast on in the round (armwarmers)
o biking *scout a 10k loop from my house
o foraging *find a chickweed patch by my home *chestnuts?
o body *I want to climb, actually, but it's annoying to do so before I move. Running? Yoga?
o costuming for Andrew's memorial & wine & cheese

Hm. I'm noticing my enthusiasm for cooking is waning again, and I'm really not up for gardening much right now, though design is fun. I'm probably pretty burnt out in general. It seems like there are some changes afoot at work but it's hard to see how that will fall out in the longer term. My bosses really, really want to keep me, it seems.

Oh well. Take your changes a few at a time, Greenie. Don't look too far down that road.


Sep. 29th, 2013 02:03 pm
greenstorm: (Default)

Mom's moving, and I got some stuff from the old boat that won't fit in the new boat to take home. Among them are things I'd thought were lost from childhood; grandma's stand mixer, a chair, odds and ends. I also got a rug for the front of the fireplace, and some rugs for the rabbit run and for by the door or something, and a coffee grinder for spices. A bathroom cabinet my brother made in grade 10. Homey things. Then I went to the hardware store to get hooks for my pretty skirts to put them on the wall (I was asked what art I had on my walls the other day, where the answer is really 'between books and hangings and windows, what walls?') and some snips to break down the rat cage that now the lady who was going to buy it does not want. I was so looking forward to having it out of my hair, too.

I was gone for two overnights; I left lateish Friday night, returned early Sunday morning. It was too long to be away; I'm learning these things now, through trial and error. Taoshi was angry at me, she'd jumped the 3-food enclosure right before I got home (no cords damaged) and rattled the bars for hours after I got here. I laid down my carpet and ate, but have yet to start any of my projects. I'd quite like to

o clear off and move the coffee table so I can get the soft chair from Kelsey
o clean the corner by the deep freeze and throw out basically everything
o hang the oak shelves
o hang the new bathroom cabinet
o disassemble the giant Martins' cage
o wash the kitchen and near-kitchen livingroom walls
o wash the bathroom walls
o polish the bathroom light fixture and arrange the light bulbs in it

It's not a terrible amount of work to do, but I'm disinclined to do it just now. Instead I'm listening to Loscil's Plume and watching the trees dance in the wind and toasting myself at the fireplace.

I spent both nights and the intervening day with crushy architect okcupid boy (let's just call him Dave) brewing beer and cooking roast chicken and sourdough biscuits and fucking in his pretty awesome but sometimes overwhelming communal home. Two nights in a row, which a whole day between, is a LOT of time to spend with someone. It was too much for both of us, I think, which is definitely for the best. I don't really have that kind of time to give up out of my life.

I'm given to wonder, though-- what is it that made it so sticky for me, so hard to just leave the final evening before bed? It felt so very good to get home, feels so good to be in my house, and although I like him very much I wasn't feeling that body-longing to be close to him the second night, you know where it feels your soul is tearing itself in two to leave? Is it just habit? Is it the fear of losing the thing forever when I walk out the door, because although he enjoys my company he clearly does not need or love me and I don't trust liking to be enough? I need to watch that. I need to practice leaving, often, so I can teach myself that people are there when I return.

Though of course, he's a mono boy in-between big things, so one day he won't be there when I return.

His household was a very special kind of beautiful, too. One of his housemates was a father with a seven-year-old, one of the sweeter men I've ever met. Sitting in the breakfast nook listening to the two of them talk out in the kitchen in the morning was... I felt like a shrivelled winter plant with the first rays of spring sunshine on me. I absolutely have no words.

Turn a hundred eighty degrees and there's Graydon, opposite in every way to Dave: loving, reassuring, unconfident, living in a spare tidy nest in the sky and so isolated he might as well be a star. Recently he's uprooted from his well of pain and given himself permission to connect, and in responding to that I've found a love of play that is surprising and exhilarating. He's so private that I find myself closing up around him just through mirrored behaviour. These words here don't come easy.

So many things are new and dangerous. I'm playing with all kinds of fire at once. This is a very good set of fires.

Another hundred and eighty degrees (because how many aspects of a human are there, after all?) and there's Andrew like a small sun, constant, open, communicative, loving-- not a romantic relationship at all but kindred, family, reliable. And, yes, there's sex; he takes care of me, and loves it. I feel like, for the first time, I can participate in this incredibly unconventional exchange without guilt or hesitancy. Autonomy is pretty great.

So I guess that's a rundown of, maybe, the three anchors in my dating constellation right now. There are other people but I am holding back on all those, nervous of some things, avoidant of others. They are not where my energy runs. My friend constellation is huger and looser -- there's no one way to define a friend, so I'm so excited about seeing Trevor (it's been so many years) soon, and happy and content to know that Kynnin cares for me in the background, or that I can gossip with Sofia or hash stuff out with Kelsey and/or...

I'm running out of steam here and accomplishing very little household stuff, so I'll leave you with this semi-incoherent mishmash and go do something else, productive or no.

Be well.
greenstorm: (Default)
So I've decided to do my garden as if I'm not moving away from this place ever.

Yeah, it's a pretty big thing, right? Don't worry about it.

I got out today and potted up some kale for mom, started to thin my seedlings and distribute them, and generally got my hands in my own dirt (mmmm). I've got apple trees blooming, mint bounding along, no real semblance of a plan out there, and some empty rubbermaid totes that could happily be filled and planted. I'd also like to make a pallet bed and a couple upside-down tomatoes since I have room.

This leaves me with the always-expensive spring shopping list.

I need more beds (always more planting space, right?) which might be remedied by this.

If I get more planting space I'll need more soil, I can order bales from my boss.

I'll need tomato starts for the buckets, maybe nasturtiums for the top (I'll start those seeds and my basil today), and herbs for the pallet wall (!!). I have some thyme starts, I'd like to see what tarragon, creeping rosemary, more thyme, oregano, etc do with the space. Also maybe some more floral things. I could put in heliotrope too.

I should get some lettuce and maybe a couple root veggies going. Carrots would fit in the deep rubbermaids, beets, etc. Parsnips are good, I'd love to grow some salsify but it's too late to get seeds.

I'd like to grow cilantro, chard, and mustard greens as well. Wouldn't hurt to toss some potatoes at the bottom of those for a fall harvest, I've already got sunchokes layered under my kale and kale in with mint and apple trees and parsley in with some of those. I need more oregano because I use it All The Time.

Did I mention I've had an extraordinary parsley germination year? 100% within a couple of weeks. That never happens. I'm not sure what to do with the stuff.

Plus it never hurts to add some blueberries, I would kill for a nice gooseberry plant or two, and I'm always fond of evergreen huckleberries (which I always leave behind when I move).

That keeps us pretty conventional, I think. I'd best get this done soon because though it's been cold the season won't wait.
greenstorm: (Default)
So I've asked Angus to be out more-or-less for May 1st. We'll have lived here for 13 months; together for a couple more than that. He asked if we'd continue a relationship and I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Probably, definitely, I don't know a way not to be friends with him but there might need to be a period of mourning first or he might get his life in order and sail off into the sunset and not want me around anymore? How can you look into the future, anyhow? Certainly not when I've just finished finals (minutes ago), still have a few major assignments due, had the power out in my house for a couple of days, haven't had space to myself for a long time?

It will be very good for me to have my own place again.

I have a lot of thinking to do about moving-- I won't get all my damage deposit back, but I could probably knock $200 off my rent (It'll be about $1225 at that point, which was good when we were looking right before the Olympics but is a little high for this area right now). I need to keep a 2 bedroom or a really roomy 1-bedroom+den because of the rats. I need to keep hardwood floors (ideally) or I'll deal with laminate. I need to keep some sort of garden space. I'd like to stay in this area, or in a swathe directly east as far as a couple of blocks east of Hastings, maybe as far south as 15th or so. I'd like to keep a professional landlord company or at least not a creepy Vancouver landlord. If I move, more light will be mandatory.

I have a lot of self-care to do. I refuse to learn on Michael, who not only has his own very serious stuff (his dad's been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It's not supposed to last very long in the grand scheme of things) but really just can't deal with my leaning at the best of times. He is a good place of refuge, but only if I don't bring my storms along. I need to continue to cultivate friends who are immediately supportive in every important way: who provide snuggles, unweird straightforward comfortable conversation, who can hold me when I cry or allow me to use them as passive company, who offer advice and stories, who offer things sometimes without being asked, who eat with me. I need to continue to exercise well, I need to bike more. I need to spend time with the sun on my skin. I need to continue to connect with my classmates, who are an incredible source of support even through their own stresses-- in fact, those shared stresses are immensely reassuring.

Our school cohort is starting to drop-- the cute South African boy disappeared the other day and was very brief in texting that he wouldn't see us again, don't ask why. Today, trying to write the practical final in the rain, one of us ripped up the soggy mass of pulp that was his paper, threw it on the ground, and left. He may still pass the course and return, it was only 15% of the grade, but we were all pretty crispy today. Those who remain are tightening, a little at a time.

I need to find myself a bed, a bed that's mine, that's squooshy like marshmallows, and some kitchen stuff like pots, pans, and dishes.

I need to tell my mom.

I'm going to be okay. I just need to remember to eat, climb, and breathe.

If you know Angus, please, please be helpful and supportive to him. It's his depression that's the trouble here, he really needs to deal with it, and I can't make him do that or help him do it. I'm worried about him. If you can think of something to do, please, do that thing.
greenstorm: (Default)

8am to 4 or 5 or 6pm: work
6pm to 9pmish: Gui visits
9pmish to crash out: Latin, env clim

Breaks allowed: Lunch w/ Graydon, 2 x 1/2 hour reading, 1/2 hour sewing, FOOD GODDAMMIT.


Wakeup to 10:30 or 11ish: Angustime.
11 to 4 or whenever: Latin, finish env clim if needed, Math practice midterm, fire control studying. NO MORE THAN 1 1/2 HOURS LATIN.

Breaks allowed: Laundry, Fish and Wildlife studying, yoga, NO SEWING, food, emailing work about holidays this summer, emailing about chicken and turkey.

4 (or whenever) to too-stupid-late: Burn Notice w/ Andrew. I will bring my fire control book to this and skim through it occasionally to "study"


Wakeup till noon: Angustime, leasurely breakfast, snuggle baby rats, COOK FOR AFTERNOON.
Noon - 1:15: Math if not finished (it better be!), Latin, fire control

Breaks allowed: none, it's only just over an hour, doorknob.

2 - 6:15: Permie documentaries and vegetarian food w/ classmates.
6:40 - 9ish(?): Dinner w/ Kynnin
9ish - ?: Michael snuggles.
? - crash out: OMFG UNSCHEDULED

Monday: Remember to bring fire control to work to study. Try to make time for Computers homework. Boot camp.
greenstorm: (Default)
They're having a 50% off sale at Dressew Deb 1 - 5. Things I need:

hardware (big D-rings! leather buckles & straps)
silk (blue shot silk, brown jacquard)
THIN BLACK LEATHER for kilt finishing
cotton voile
black micro-sequin mesh (on wall) for bustle
beige thread
denim-blue thread
black thread
greenstorm: (Default)

Earth science poster
Earth science assignment 2
Math assignment - Walden
Aerial photo finder exercise
Earth science study sheet
Math labs

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

greenstorm: (Default)

Long underwear
Pj pants
Sweaters x 4 (green black-long grey/oatmeal and blue)
Black longsleeve shirts
Obsidian spheres
Leaf necklace
Old growth
Sarongs: mirrored, leafprint
Long coat
Sleeping bags
Silk greenwrap skirts
Blue silk skirt?
Greenlinen to sew in car?
Resume hardcopy
Laptop or writing book & pen/charger
Phone charger
'boy shorts'


Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Sep. 4th, 2010 01:36 am
greenstorm: (Default)
I'm slowly reclaiming the house. With Blue Erin's help I waded through clothing, and all my drawers close now, almost. I am very sentimentally attached to my clothing; there is a story to go with each piece: this person gave that to me, I wore this when I met that person, I made this for that festival. It's good to have someone remind me that other people can wear and love these things too, if I no longer do. The floors are clean, dishes almost all done, my botanical sheets and blankets are on the bed, and in the clothing sorting process some boxes were banished. I made, shared, and ate food in my kitchen.

It was a very long workday. I'm not yet done, but I couldn't make it to 12 hours. Not only would that have taken me deep into dusk, but I didn't really sleep last night and I needed to be done. I may or may not go in on the weekend depending on the weather report; I really should but if it's going to be very sunny or very rainy Monday I can probably do without it. That does put a lot of stress on Monday, though... and Monday I want to be off work in time to see everyone who's back from PAX at the movie night at Andrew's.

I hope I can sleep tonight. I have a nice tomorrow lined up if I can make it through, there'll be more housecleaning, farmer's market and bike fixing and Walker, and in the evening [ profile] _dubiosity_, artichokes, and Star Trek. Day after that is more cleaning & rats cages, writing, some hangout time with [ profile] saxifrage00, hopefully some Paulocaust time, and then the hard part where I wait for people to come home, they get stuck in the border lineup, things get stretched out, everyone else gets dropped off first, and I can't sleep because it seems people will be home imminently but there's always a little more delay and then a little more.

Okay, I'm stupid tired now. Time to go stare at things in my bedroom in the dark.
greenstorm: (Default)

Replace bank card
Buy iPod
Pay phone bill
Renew license etc
Schedule eye exam
Research massage/acupuncture places
Answer emails
Hang paintings
Update website (delegate?)
Buy bike helmet
Find lock
Put balcony back together
Complain to landlord/manager about broken pot
Clean fridge thoroughly (find smell)
Excavate rat room/sewing table
Look up school stuff online- lost mail?
Follow up on citizenship


Burn apartment down
Throw phone in
Move to commune in Hawaii

greenstorm: (Default)
I've been neglecting this in favour of my written journal this week, especially last night when I sat down and wrote for an hour in my brand new paper book because, well, it was new. I went to dinner after that and my friend asked me, "what do you write about?" I gave him the list: the way the book smelled, the way I ended the last journal (with a half-finished paragraph and a pen that ran out of ink, which seemed inappropriate), the difficulty of starting this new journal vs the last one, the biomechanics of writing, how to carry a pen with the new book when it has no spiral binding to slip it into, then I begin to write about the topics I should cover... By this time he's laughing at how meta the list is.

And here I'm writing about talking about writing about writing.

I woke up this morning at 7:30, having decided last night I just wasn't going to freeschool this weekend. After a morning twitter scan I went back to sleep and had an apocalyptic action-romance dream starring an author I've never met or read, but know only through his tweets. The dream was a perfect two hours, had a lot of flooding and engaging camera work and emotional punch, and ended on a happy note.

I immediately got up and came here into the livingroom to write to you, livejournal, because I miss you. I definitely type more quickly than I handwrite, which perhaps might be remedied by several years of practice but which is a legacy of MUSHing with four character windows open or whatever for so long. I can generally type faster than I can think; I can handwrite about as fast as I can think.

My life is pretty good right now. I have this huge expanse of time, through August, unfurled in front of me like an empty banner and I have a paintbrush in my hand. I have work, but I don't have plans, and August is my favourite month. I mean, sure-- there's a Leo party one day, a West Wing marathon with the Writer one weekend, and a wedding-- but that I think is everything I have written down for the month. The usual suspects will fill some of the time; there's monthly Korean movie night, weekly movie night at Andrew's place which I often attend, if the Writer is doing Ramadan I think I have some business with him right about the beginning of that; I have some stuff going on on the 13th involving a movie and maybe a party. Still, I feel like I've been let loose in a playground. I have the incredible luxury of seeing people I don't normally have time to see (some of whom I feel pretty guilty about not seeing for awhile) and just doing... things. Walking down to the park and swinging on the swings is an option; going to the beach is an option; just walking in a direction or sitting in a coffee shop is an option. Taking myself out to dinner is also an option.

I can spend late evenings at work if I want, watering plants as the sun is going down around me. It's a mellow time to work, and quite lovely.

There are some flies in the ointment to set against this, of course. Now that I'm not running full steam through everything I see that I probably shouldn't spend the money and time on PAX the weekend before I start school. I know someone who wants a ticket, so this is probably okay with everyone else, and it avoids-- I'll be honest-- one of those stupid awkward poly situations which always stresses me out.

The roofers threw boards on my tomato plants, which together with the weather means maybe no crop this year.

School is really rather expensive, and so although I'm making more money than I've ever made in my life it's not disposable income-- but that always happens to me, whether it's with rats or gardening or feeding people or whatever.

My house is an incredible pigsty because I have been so busy. I expect this weekend will help remedy that.

In the last couple of weeks I've picked up the very good habit of starting every morning with a smoothie-- usually banana and some kind of milk (almond or soy) with some flax thrown in for texture. Even if I end up eating a second breakfast, having that first thing makes the whole day go more smoothly. I'm learning not to make the smoothie with blueberries (they curdle the soy milk into soft tofu) and thinking about experimenting with a grapefruit and some sort of sweet juice base. I'm considering getting some of Brendan Brazier's vegan smoothie powder to throw in there too-- I lived off it for breakfast one year and it works --but until next paycheck the answer is a definite no.

I'm really really getting better at being aware when I need care-- either self-care or when I need to ask someone to do something nice for me. Sometimes I don't do those things, but the secret is that you don't have to do -everything- if you make it a practice of generally taking care of yourself-- the base level is high enough that it doesn't bring ya down not to do one thing. Life becomes less a seething mass of need and more a matter of this or that. I expect there will be periods where I backslide, as there have been in the past, but this is not one of those.

For now I feel I am the recipient of extraordinary good fortune: I have a lovely home, very good friends, I come home to someone who loves me, I eat well, my garden is lovely if a little flattened, my job engages me, my bosses are excellent, my innamorato is thoroughly engaging, the weather is fine, there are good prospects on the horizon both near and far... I have made this life with my own hands, and I have also been blessed with it. I will set myself to enjoying it for awhile.
greenstorm: (Default)
Seems like I'm in one of my high-functioning phases. Last night was another short one, and I feel a little more together this morning than I did yesterday morning after nine hours sleep. I've been exercising terrible self-care and I've enlisted help in eating more than one meal today. I have been getting a lot done, but that's mostly because the things I do aren't things I need to think about... much.

I went down to the party in the states, it was a Cancer birthday party for a bunch of people born... well, around now. It was fun, and though I didn't know many people there it was the sort of environment I'm comfortable in-- casual nudity is just part of it, people are nice to each other, there's random dancing and chatting and physical interaction but all respectful. There was also a bunch of fire stuff-- poi spinning, staves, and an awesome thingy on a chain. One particular woman spun poi to Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" and though I try to keep flash-in-the-pan words out of my livejournal it was epic.

In the morning there was sunshine, breakfast outside, a little bit of post-apoc talk, and a pretty boy who's taking horticulture. He tried to explain compartmentalization and hissed at ivy. It was a pretty sweet morning. Still, can't I meet a gardener from my own city that I haven't made by my own hand?

On the ride home I heatstroked myself-- the sun was on the back of my neck and I was dehydrated and hadn't been eating much, so my body wasn't efficient at cooling and I frankly was not paying attention. That took through into yesterday night to shake off-- I tried to go home from work early yesterday but an emergency six hours was added to my workload, so I get the benefits of having to do all the work I moved from yesterday on top of today and also of having had an overtime day yesterday. Whee.

Oh well. I do like my job, my boss was properly grateful ("above and beyond") and the money will come in handy.

Last night was movie night at Andrew's-- we watched a ridiculous Japanese movie that made me super happy (something or other style 5+) and I got home super late. Five hours later here I am, journalling and listening to Alanis Morisette in the morning (? Andrew has a shirt which says 'not the doctor' and didn't know the song existed. I blame that discussion).

I definitely stay happier when I stay busy. I'm a little too busy-- I want to sew myself a folk fest skirt or two before the weekend (FOLK FEST!) but I'm not sure I've got enough time. Today after work is all Angus, all the time (well except maybe for doing a bit of rat troubleshooting with a friend) because, well, this is an awfully busy week. Fireworks, date night, and then it's off to the folk fest (I cannot believe how quickly it's crept up on me).

I am looking forward to some sleep too. And to the period that won't quit finally being actually really honestly over. It started on the 13th fergawdsakes, you wouldn't think there'd be that much in there.

I would tell you how my garden is growing but all I know is the tomatoes are flowering their damnfool heads off and that's ridiculous for July (the Silvery Fir Tree at least has greenies on it). I would tell you about my rats but they're sitting around being cute and that's basically that.

I should go do that work thing I do. It's possible I can shove a bunch of it to tomorrow, when I have a helper (!!!!!!) who I am going to train to water (!!!! the most mandatory 20 hours of Mon, Wed, and Fri is watering-- the rest is more flexible) thus allowing me to occasionally take full days off (!!!!!!)

Peace to you.
greenstorm: (Default)
I'm a little late out of the house today, but that's not entirely unexpected; yesterday I was working from morning to 11pm, today will be a repeat but it will at least end at sunset.

I need to make time to water my garden; maybe Thursday I'll start a little later, it's a shorter day. My tomatoes need it soon. My mint needs it sooner.

I have help today at work; this may prevent me from dying this year.

I'll be taking in two foster rats, old ladies whose owner is moving to Toronto. Not sure when I meet them.

This weekend is starting to look kind of fubar'd. The only ride down to the states seems to be Friday after work (what time, Andi?) and the return Sunday sometime (?) which would mean a 60-hour-ish work-week capped by basically not being at home until theoretically evening Sunday. That's not impossible, but very unkind to myself, and I am practicing self-care lately thanks to some journalling epiphanies (you know, the repeated 'it's okay to be nice to yourself' ones?).

Really wanted to make the Cancer party though. GARGH. Don't have time to call people and plan rides and stuff; am working ALL THE TIME.

Will at least try to get info from Andi and Cella and see if things can't be made to work.

Things. They happen.
greenstorm: (Default)
It's morning. I've done a couple of hours of dishes; have another one left. Laundry needs to go in. Music is playing; Angus just left a couple of hours ago for the weekend.

I'm savouring having space to myself. When I'm alone in my home something in me unfolds to fill every bit of airspace, no matter what I'm doing. It's not a matter of who's in the space, or what they're doing, or what I'm doing. It's not a matter of relaxing, or anything really.

It's been quite awhile since I had this space last. I'm supposed to be meeting up with Derek for breakfast and then Lee for the rest of the day; I was really wanting to go to Wreck Beach Butoh. Now, though- here I am, and I am reluctant to leave. I will get bored of housework after a couple of hours, and I would regret missing out on Derek's company, but...

And the house really is a mess. A little less so now, but it's bad enough to really bug me when I'm in the space. There's all this stuff we haven't got around to finding permanent homes for or just throwing out; there's stuff that needs to go up on walls that hasn't been put there; there's random shit lying around (why is there a length of rope in the middle of the dining room floor? How about all those empty cardboard boxes? Garlic on the sidetable? Seriously). I have a tendency towards nesting-- accumulating a pile of books and interesting objects near places I sit a lot --but when things spill out beyond those little clumps it bugs me.

Oh well.

Yesterday I really pushed it; nine and a half hours at work, and when Angus and I were wandering around looking for dinner afterwards my knees and hips just-- started hurting. Aching, grinding, I don't know; this hasn't happened to me before. We limped home, today my hips are okay for the bit of standing I did but the bottoms of my feet feel raw, like the first day of walking barefoot in the summer does to them, but I wasn't barefoot. This seems to be a prescription for more sleep and less play, but I'm not so happy with that. Summer is playtime. I have been fitting in an awful lot of stuff; I will continue to do so. Really I do need to remember to try to get a day off work, or maybe it will rain sometime for me.

I forget every year that plantwork is like this, or maybe I just don't believe it will get to that point; it's slow and easy for the longest time, then suddenly you could work sunrise to sunset every day and there would never be enough time. After a bit, as suddenly as it came, the rush is gone and you start frowning at your paycheques again instead of at your free time.

I like it; variety is important to me. I don't do a thing well if it's not variable in hours and content both. Still, the reason it works is _because_ it keeps me jumping, and because it's not entirely comfortable.

My Temple

Jul. 9th, 2010 08:18 am
greenstorm: (Default)
I've been eating better again, now that I have no money. It helps too that I've got over my shyness about cooking for the people with whom I've been spending a lot of time-- with Angus cooking together was part of our courtship, but Andrew and the Writer had a strong tendency towards eating out, and frequently at places that push salt-sugar-fast food buttons. It's not always easy to compete with that sort of thing, and my brand of cooking doesn't go there much.

But, better now. It lets me play with wheat flour and eggs, too.

For some reason, even though I don't cook for them much, it's freed up cooking in all of my life. I come home plotting my adobo-rice-mango-avocado-black bean dish (and it was very good) and wake up contemplating an eggplant-beef soft taco filling. I've been doing the soy/almond milk/flax/banana/etc fruit breakfast (usually with an assist, cause that's not quite enough for me) and just generally getting back to things I make. For awhile I had a "two vegan meals per day-third is anything goes" and that worked pretty well, but when I'm making the food myself I relax that sometimes and it's all good. My overall energy level is high enough again that I notice when the meat meal slows me down-- as it inevitably does.

It's a good thing I'm not doing heavy labour anymore.

Other than that I've been getting sun, keeping reasonably busy, not sleeping quite enough but sleeping relaxed enough to get out of bed slowly in the morning (this feels decadent, luxurious, and usually makes me impatient). My mood swings have been giving me whiplash, but I think I settled that issue down too; I may have been drawn into the trap of believing that because my mood can be caused by factors other than life situation, that it _has to be_. I pay tuition, resolve the interpersonal thing that was bugging me, and it's all okay again.

I'm very much looking forward to my next three weekends-- my next four weekends! This weekend is Wreck Beach Butoh (look it up!), company from Vancouver Island, my first church experience, and some world cup chaos with my posse. Next is a party in the states with some people I haven't seen in way too long-- it includes an extra special awesome thing for Angus which I get to tease him about, and there's nothing that isn't improved by his dimples anyhow. After that is the Mission Folk Fest, my yearly event. And then there's UBC freeschool where at least I'm not going out of town, which I won't teach anything at because I'm too chicken and don't have time to put anything together, but I really _should_. And my new rats will be coming home from quarantine in there, and coming to live with me.

How can you not look forward to a month like that?

On the other hand, it's busy. I will need to schedule a day or two off in there to survive, I think. I'll be dead broke up till the weekend of the folk fest, and tight after that (unless next week is as crazy busy as this one at work). I will need to crowbar in the people I like to see regularly, and perhaps relearn the art of the phone conversation. I am pleased with my current work-lunch-meeting thing I do now.

My tomatoes are finally acting like the huge thuggish plants they're supposed to be. Green fruit _soon_ is in order, though. Needs to ripen before august ends, dammit!

Anyhow, need to get off to work.
greenstorm: (Default)

-passport, record of landing
-check Idaho weather
-pack clothing toothbrush hairbrush Phone charger contacts pills meditation balls friskie
-call re: long dist & us data
-baby pictures taken & up
-keyboard or pen & notebook
-laundry (socks)
-thorough watering
-piercing shoot
-andi's thing
-rat cages?
-download Sandel?


Jun. 10th, 2010 10:09 pm
greenstorm: (Default)

Pay phonebill
Buy bobby pins and superglue
Get contacts
Remember garbage bags
Windsor meats
2 extra accounts

Cash money x 2

Get spinach

1/2 lb chocolate, silken tofu, ancho chili powder?

Applewood bacon?

Waking Up

Jun. 1st, 2010 04:54 pm
greenstorm: (Default)
Came home, stared at the wall for awhile, went to sleep. Woke up to Angus coming home with cookie ingredients; not I'm up, have licked off the beaters, and am prepping to go to 'SOUL Chickens' with [ profile] dark_sphere. I am unbelievably glad that I came home when I did; I know I was making mistakes, and that's saying something because I'm good at that work. The weather is being kind to me; in the rain my body is more able to rest, and also my work is lighter.

I've been thinking about asking mom to stop letting me know about what's going on. She doesn't tell me much, and generally not a lot of details, but it's pretty painful. On the other hand I really want to know-- my brothers do, and they're involved, but maybe I should wait and hear it from them? I so cannot be here for mom in this. I so would be here for my brothers if they chose to talk to me about it, which they don't much. There was one magical night when they were all over and no one else was here-- I should recreate that, actually.

Sleep definitely cut the panic. I can handle myself at this point. I could not this morning.

I keep wondering-- there's definitely the possibility that this journal or anything else of mine on the internet could be found and used in this battle. I hope it isn't, but I refuse to keep off the internet just in case.

Enough of that. Here's with the not thinking about it. I need to do more one-on-one social stuff, snuggly and comfy, and also knock things off my to-do list. That makes me feel productive, with nothing hanging over me, and loved, with neat and interesting people to distract and fulfill me in their various ways.

Also, gotta limit the sugar and refined stuff, and zero my caffeine. I've been lazy about it in the last couple of months and is it ever showing.

Bike loaner coming from Walker, makes me happy. I'll get my own wheels next paycheck or two.

I think I can pack dinner to eat during the presentation this evening. I've been having trouble eating food in my own house or made by my own hands-- always a sign of stress for me --and it's led to too much on-the-fly eating out and then not eating at all sometimes.

Time to get back on track. Luxuriating in dysfunction is over.


greenstorm: (Default)

May 2017

78910 1112 13


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 06:50 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios