greenstorm (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
greenstorm) wrote2021-11-29 09:36 am
greenstorm) wrote2021-11-29 09:36 am
Worth
Spent a lot of the weekend with Tucker. Around and around and around and the story will always be: we're good when we're together, we can't really sort out the stuff outside that. We can't agree on a set of commitments we can both put our backs into.
I've always bent heaven and earth to make things I want, happen. Over time I've learned that bending people to make things happen is terrible, so I don't do that. I've tried to make people something I do deliberately nonetheless: being up-front with my intentions, with my window of uncertainty, with what I want. I like knowing where I stand.
What I need to accept now is that I do not know where I stand and I won't, with him. I can't bend heaven and earth to make the thing work; that's not in my power. Even if I had access to a couple million dollars (!) to live closer to him and still have access to land it doesn't buy me any certainty because it's not matched on his side. So. Uncertainty.
My energy is an investment. I put it in things I'm working towards, and in things I'm certain of. Tucker doesn't offer a direction to work towards. I'm relatively certain right now that when we're in the same room we're good, and when we're not in the same room there's no certainty. So what I need to do is sever my habits around leaning my heart towards him when he's not around. He needs to be a thing that happens in my life like a rainbow, that's nice when it happens but there's no point chasing it. I need to chase my certainty elsewhere; goodness knows there are plenty of ways to chase security that doesn't involve a known poor likelihood.
At times like this I worry about losing my links to feeling human on any level at all. This isn't my society, it doesn't bring me joy in the general or the specific these days. Hopefully Kelsey coming up, and then Josh (his visit has been moved to right before Christmas, since the highways are all still closed and maybe they'll be open by then?) will both reconnect me a little and reaffirm me in my nonhuman aspects of self. Maybe one of the hardest things about Tucker is how much of dominant society he's internalized: he carries so many "shoulds" and so little softness for what actually is, and what actually can be so beautiful. Both Josh and Kelsey are a good antidote to that. Normally my life is also a haven from tat destructive attitude, and it should remain so.
Anyhow. I've succeeded in this transition with Josh previously, though he's a very different person. I have a roadmap, or maybe a destination anyhow. The journey is begun.
I've always bent heaven and earth to make things I want, happen. Over time I've learned that bending people to make things happen is terrible, so I don't do that. I've tried to make people something I do deliberately nonetheless: being up-front with my intentions, with my window of uncertainty, with what I want. I like knowing where I stand.
What I need to accept now is that I do not know where I stand and I won't, with him. I can't bend heaven and earth to make the thing work; that's not in my power. Even if I had access to a couple million dollars (!) to live closer to him and still have access to land it doesn't buy me any certainty because it's not matched on his side. So. Uncertainty.
My energy is an investment. I put it in things I'm working towards, and in things I'm certain of. Tucker doesn't offer a direction to work towards. I'm relatively certain right now that when we're in the same room we're good, and when we're not in the same room there's no certainty. So what I need to do is sever my habits around leaning my heart towards him when he's not around. He needs to be a thing that happens in my life like a rainbow, that's nice when it happens but there's no point chasing it. I need to chase my certainty elsewhere; goodness knows there are plenty of ways to chase security that doesn't involve a known poor likelihood.
At times like this I worry about losing my links to feeling human on any level at all. This isn't my society, it doesn't bring me joy in the general or the specific these days. Hopefully Kelsey coming up, and then Josh (his visit has been moved to right before Christmas, since the highways are all still closed and maybe they'll be open by then?) will both reconnect me a little and reaffirm me in my nonhuman aspects of self. Maybe one of the hardest things about Tucker is how much of dominant society he's internalized: he carries so many "shoulds" and so little softness for what actually is, and what actually can be so beautiful. Both Josh and Kelsey are a good antidote to that. Normally my life is also a haven from tat destructive attitude, and it should remain so.
Anyhow. I've succeeded in this transition with Josh previously, though he's a very different person. I have a roadmap, or maybe a destination anyhow. The journey is begun.