Here we go again

[greenstorm]

Tucker moved back to Vancouver. He's inviting people over, getting out and doing stuff, and enjoying the ability to spontaneously do things on the way to other things. When he was here he never left the house except to get into his car; there were things spontaneously happening that were all ultra-walkable but he didn't want any of them.

I'm glad he's getting out and doing stuff now.

I'm bitter that he's basically the person I want to be dating when I'm not around him. When I am around him? None of that. Every once in awhile he'd provide lip service to the idea of some of it, but he most certainly would never plan or suggest it. He lived for years in a spot with, to be honest, some of the best camping in the world within a couple hours' drive. Steadfastly refused to go camping because of his cpap. Now he's got camping planned that's hours of driving and a ferry ride away from his place, "it'll probably be fine" and is planning for backpacking. We have so many little beautiful music festivals up here, not too crowded, beautiful scenery, not hard to get to at all; uninterested in those when he was here, now--

Ugh. 

It feels gross. And it's highlighted by how much effort and money it costs for us to see each other now; I just--

I guess I need to assess whether this continued contact is a good idea for me. It's expensive fiancially, it's really hard on my heart, and there's nothing different to look forward to in the future. He's been pretty clear on that. I could probably do this as a holding pattern for a year or two if there was a plan, but he's neither willing to discuss or commit to that kind of thing in the future and has explicitly committed to a job and a home which don't allow that. On the other hand he knows me and is willing to make time to come see me, which does matter, and he makes progress on his stuff, which-- I don't know. I like seeing that in someone, that they actually grow as a person while I know them instead of making the same complaints and the same excuses over and over while expressing a desire to escape. I don't mind the same complaints if they come with an acceptance of deliberate trade-offs.

This is hard and next time I see him is going to be harder and I'm not sure I want to. For a couple days? There's definitely a much higher ratio of angst to joy than there should be, for a trip like that.

I think this is stirred up because he said something about us being good together the other day and-- I don't think we were good together. I think we tried to be good to each other, but I'm my best self when I can talk about the relationship, when I can hear what people are going through inside and outside the relationship and be insightful or supportive as much as I can, when I can cheerlead of make tea and bring a blanket for snuggles. I'm at my best when I can get pointed at a joint goal and turn my considerable abilities on realizing it. He didn't want that kind of dynamic from me, so I couldn't be my best self for him. I couldn't be good for him in the ways that are meaningful for me. I could gentle myself for him, avoid subjects and be careful when speaking my mind, could pour myself into a more predictable schedule, and those were good things for me to do for him. They weren't my best self.

Likewise he could make me food and arrange shows and listen to me when I wanted to talk, he could be there for me, but whatever synergy he can find in other relationships where he, I don't know, maybe shares hobbies with someone and enjoys doing those more because he's with someone, or is willing to go out and do things with someone (I know he did a lot of camping with one ex in particular), whatever stuff could be in a relationship where it was actively good for him? I don't think that was the case. He did a ton of personal growth and I'm glad he didn't feel restricted from that, but he also stopped being able to have fun with me.

Is it a madonna/whore thing? I don't know. Not my problem to solve. 

Anyhow, I'm raw about this right now. I'm reminded, having spent some time with other folks, how good he was around declarative languge and how much he managed not to impact my PDA. I honestly was starting to feel like I maybe wasn't even super PDA until I started spending time with other folks again. But he couldn't do the things needed in a permanent relationship: talk about what he needed (even if he didn't know, and the need was for experimentation), come forward as his true self, I think feel like an equal partner. So here we are.

The last visit was good and I didn't expect it to be. This next visit? We'll see, but next to that I'll hold all this time I'm spending with my wounds reopening with renewed contact, and not for the sake of renegotiating a relationship but for the sake of him feeling safer and me feeling sometimes way worse.

I just want him to come to me and say, "hey, let's talk about what this is going to look like" and then do so but it's stupid to wait for more than five years for that when there's no sign it'll happen.

I do not want to come to conclusions about this. I may have to.