greenstorm (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
greenstorm) wrote2003-07-30 08:42 pm
greenstorm) wrote2003-07-30 08:42 pm
Loner (The Ascent to Self)
It's a truism that everyone needs time to themselves. I've always needed a lot of it, but I've never had a shortage at any point in my life. I'm able to retreat into myself easily enough and get private time there without any worries.
Recently that ability's been shaken a little bit. There are a lot of people out here who are important to me. There are a lot of people out here doing fun things I want to be part of, or feeling things that require my attention, or whatever. These things tend to shake me out of the desire to be by myself, and so I put it off until a convenient time.
Mostly this works, if there's enough convenient time around.
I've noticed, though, that there are times when it's definitely important for me to have alone time immediately. This happens when I've had a rough day, when my emotions are weird and shaky after a rollercoaster, when I'm struggling with feelings of rejection -- when I need to sit down with myself and remember who I am, and to stabilise my internal reality.
I actually do need this time, or I become progressively more unstable until I get it -- but I'm still distracted from getting it by people who I think I'd like to interact with if I think there's something to interact with at that moment.
It only takes ten minutes of alone time, sometimes, for me to figure myself out. Sometimes it takes longer. And with less of it, imagine, I'm finding that sometimes I like to take more than I need, just because I like being with myself.
The SO is away from work on vacation, so he's home all day now. I don't spend my nights alone; I don't spend my days alone unless it's planned.
I've never before in my life had the opportunity to spend time with people I really cared for pretty much whenever I wanted. I've always either had only one such person in my life at a time, or had a bunch of people busy. Well, there's the story of the Exotic, but that's another tale...
So, here's the thing. I've realised that I'm really a pretty normal person in this regard. I'm not some sort of psychotically needy person who feels terrible without people around her every second. There's a 'fill to red line' thing going on, and when it's not filled to the red line I feel terrible: I run around needing more people around, feeling lonely when I'm alone, and not appreciating solitude, being clingy.
When I've got enough in the way of companionship and friendship and love, conversely, I enjy my time alone. It becomes productive, useful, enjoyable. Just... like everyone else. So there's one revelation for tonight for you.
It's also when I'm alone that I'm best my complete self. That is to say, facets of me get brought out by other people, needs get filled by other people, but my natural shape floats out with no restrictions when there's no one else around.
Both of those are necessary to my life; there's no choosing one over the other. I need to balance both.
All this sounds pretty obvious, right? Well, it is. I hadn't thought about it much thus far, though, and had thus been avoiding alone-time by habit, because usually I've had so much. Good to realise that, and to counter that habit.
I'm still trying to figure out what I 'need' people for, and what I 'should involve' people in, and what I should do on my own. I have a definite swing towards independence still, strung in with that underlying feel of alienation and with no highly-committed relationship on a couple of levels. I think I'm getting better at accepting what other people have to offer, but I still suck pretty badly at figuring out whether I actually need something and asking for it.
I had a realisation at the folk fest: I've accepted the fact that I have enough to give many people, but I haven't really figured out that other people might have enough to give me and another. That is, I do think they have a limitedquantity to give, and so on occasion an element of 'his other partner's getting enough from him, therefore I must not be getting enough from him' creeps in occasionally. I don't stop to check what I want, or if I am getting my needs met; I just make that assumption.
Good to get that mental pattern into the open, too. Recognition is really the major step to banishing something like that.
So, the folk fest was great and wonderful, the recovery time's coming right along (I messed up my sense of balance, I think it may have been heat-related) and the garden is still around even though I didn't visit it over the weekend. In fact, the marigolds are blooming, one sunflower's got a bud, and it's way past time to harvest the mustard greens.
There are two ripe tomatoes on the bush. If the Juggler doesn't eat them soon, I will. They're the first sungolds of the year...
Now, off to either consider an Everquest character (the Juggler plays and there's a spare slot I could mess around in it with. I'm really curious about the 'feel' of such a massive but not-RP'd world, and the mechanics that make it up) or to read the autobiography of Bertrand russel some more, or to eat, or to dance, or whatever. Just me, and what I want to do, without worrying about inconveniencing anyone else. :)
I'm back from the strange realms of the group, in my own private world again -- and I may stay here, now, with a couple of visits out for social things when I feel like it. Ahh, playing with defaults.
Oh! Called both Kyle and mom. Kyle I met at the folk fest and re-obtained his number, been meaning to call for years. Yay, me! I'm glad I did that.
Take care.
Recently that ability's been shaken a little bit. There are a lot of people out here who are important to me. There are a lot of people out here doing fun things I want to be part of, or feeling things that require my attention, or whatever. These things tend to shake me out of the desire to be by myself, and so I put it off until a convenient time.
Mostly this works, if there's enough convenient time around.
I've noticed, though, that there are times when it's definitely important for me to have alone time immediately. This happens when I've had a rough day, when my emotions are weird and shaky after a rollercoaster, when I'm struggling with feelings of rejection -- when I need to sit down with myself and remember who I am, and to stabilise my internal reality.
I actually do need this time, or I become progressively more unstable until I get it -- but I'm still distracted from getting it by people who I think I'd like to interact with if I think there's something to interact with at that moment.
It only takes ten minutes of alone time, sometimes, for me to figure myself out. Sometimes it takes longer. And with less of it, imagine, I'm finding that sometimes I like to take more than I need, just because I like being with myself.
The SO is away from work on vacation, so he's home all day now. I don't spend my nights alone; I don't spend my days alone unless it's planned.
I've never before in my life had the opportunity to spend time with people I really cared for pretty much whenever I wanted. I've always either had only one such person in my life at a time, or had a bunch of people busy. Well, there's the story of the Exotic, but that's another tale...
So, here's the thing. I've realised that I'm really a pretty normal person in this regard. I'm not some sort of psychotically needy person who feels terrible without people around her every second. There's a 'fill to red line' thing going on, and when it's not filled to the red line I feel terrible: I run around needing more people around, feeling lonely when I'm alone, and not appreciating solitude, being clingy.
When I've got enough in the way of companionship and friendship and love, conversely, I enjy my time alone. It becomes productive, useful, enjoyable. Just... like everyone else. So there's one revelation for tonight for you.
It's also when I'm alone that I'm best my complete self. That is to say, facets of me get brought out by other people, needs get filled by other people, but my natural shape floats out with no restrictions when there's no one else around.
Both of those are necessary to my life; there's no choosing one over the other. I need to balance both.
All this sounds pretty obvious, right? Well, it is. I hadn't thought about it much thus far, though, and had thus been avoiding alone-time by habit, because usually I've had so much. Good to realise that, and to counter that habit.
I'm still trying to figure out what I 'need' people for, and what I 'should involve' people in, and what I should do on my own. I have a definite swing towards independence still, strung in with that underlying feel of alienation and with no highly-committed relationship on a couple of levels. I think I'm getting better at accepting what other people have to offer, but I still suck pretty badly at figuring out whether I actually need something and asking for it.
I had a realisation at the folk fest: I've accepted the fact that I have enough to give many people, but I haven't really figured out that other people might have enough to give me and another. That is, I do think they have a limitedquantity to give, and so on occasion an element of 'his other partner's getting enough from him, therefore I must not be getting enough from him' creeps in occasionally. I don't stop to check what I want, or if I am getting my needs met; I just make that assumption.
Good to get that mental pattern into the open, too. Recognition is really the major step to banishing something like that.
So, the folk fest was great and wonderful, the recovery time's coming right along (I messed up my sense of balance, I think it may have been heat-related) and the garden is still around even though I didn't visit it over the weekend. In fact, the marigolds are blooming, one sunflower's got a bud, and it's way past time to harvest the mustard greens.
There are two ripe tomatoes on the bush. If the Juggler doesn't eat them soon, I will. They're the first sungolds of the year...
Now, off to either consider an Everquest character (the Juggler plays and there's a spare slot I could mess around in it with. I'm really curious about the 'feel' of such a massive but not-RP'd world, and the mechanics that make it up) or to read the autobiography of Bertrand russel some more, or to eat, or to dance, or whatever. Just me, and what I want to do, without worrying about inconveniencing anyone else. :)
I'm back from the strange realms of the group, in my own private world again -- and I may stay here, now, with a couple of visits out for social things when I feel like it. Ahh, playing with defaults.
Oh! Called both Kyle and mom. Kyle I met at the folk fest and re-obtained his number, been meaning to call for years. Yay, me! I'm glad I did that.
Take care.