Moving to Kelowna, and paranoia
Feb. 17th, 2007 05:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormSo, that's it. I'm moving to Kelowna to apprentice to Gabriel Hawearth at Summerhill vinyard. I'm going in April, I'll be gone till fall. Bob will take care of some of my rats, I'll bring some others with me. I'll live in a converted bus.
I was terribly afraid of giving my bosses notice about this. It's part of my fear of authority, I think-- I expected them to be angry that I was leaving the company so soon after they put the tim ein to train me, I was afraid they'd be upset that I was giving them tight notice to train new people-- but they were instead very supportive and encouraging. They said I've been their best tech, and they'll be sad to see me go.
This is another example of my weird paranoia, especially surrounding people with power over me. I always expect authorities to be irrationally angry with me, to be unpredictable unkind, and uncaring. I expect everything I do to be a transgression or a problem.
It likely took a lot of conditioning to get me this way. Certainly when I entered the relationship with Kynnin, the damage was long done. It's one of the reasons I was terrified of both teachers and classmates throughout elementary school. Lately I've come to count fewer people as authorities and more as equals, which eases the symptoms, but something like this highlights that the underlying problem is still there. It doesn't help that it's been fifteen years since I saw dad last, and that in that interim very few authority figured have been anything other than kind, understanding, and good to me.
It sort of makes me wonder what my childhood with dad was like, after all. I can't remember any of it anymore, except I suppose for the occasional snippet of being alone or being with my brothers. I have a total memory of abou ten minutes' interaction with dad. Obviously, tust get the hough, there was enough bad in there to do this....
When I come back this summer, I think I'm gonna see about putting together the money for a therapist and get some tools for dealing with the thing, cause this is just silly, it's limiting, and it's not very nice to the people I feel paranoid towards.
In other news, first time climbing in two weeks at least, likely closer to three. It felt *awesome*. Thanks, Drew.
I was terribly afraid of giving my bosses notice about this. It's part of my fear of authority, I think-- I expected them to be angry that I was leaving the company so soon after they put the tim ein to train me, I was afraid they'd be upset that I was giving them tight notice to train new people-- but they were instead very supportive and encouraging. They said I've been their best tech, and they'll be sad to see me go.
This is another example of my weird paranoia, especially surrounding people with power over me. I always expect authorities to be irrationally angry with me, to be unpredictable unkind, and uncaring. I expect everything I do to be a transgression or a problem.
It likely took a lot of conditioning to get me this way. Certainly when I entered the relationship with Kynnin, the damage was long done. It's one of the reasons I was terrified of both teachers and classmates throughout elementary school. Lately I've come to count fewer people as authorities and more as equals, which eases the symptoms, but something like this highlights that the underlying problem is still there. It doesn't help that it's been fifteen years since I saw dad last, and that in that interim very few authority figured have been anything other than kind, understanding, and good to me.
It sort of makes me wonder what my childhood with dad was like, after all. I can't remember any of it anymore, except I suppose for the occasional snippet of being alone or being with my brothers. I have a total memory of abou ten minutes' interaction with dad. Obviously, tust get the hough, there was enough bad in there to do this....
When I come back this summer, I think I'm gonna see about putting together the money for a therapist and get some tools for dealing with the thing, cause this is just silly, it's limiting, and it's not very nice to the people I feel paranoid towards.
In other news, first time climbing in two weeks at least, likely closer to three. It felt *awesome*. Thanks, Drew.
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Date: 2007-02-17 03:23 pm (UTC)