Backwards

2022-06-06T22:58:08Z

Ended up reading some of my journal from 2007.

There's a quote: Smooth seas do not make skilled sailors.

There's a text exchange between Angus and I:
"Me: I am going to destroy you. Wipe every trace of you from the earth.
Me: I will devour your children, scatter your body to the four winds, and consign your soul to deepest oblivion.
Angus: Love you too."

A moment in a freewrite: "Angus was running late for work, and I ran into him by the skytrain station. I got a hug, and a passer-by yells lucky!, I'm not sure if to him or to me. But it's not lucky to get me - I'm broken - and it's not lucky for me to have all these loving tolerant people in my life, because it means I never *need* to sort out my shit, they put up with it. I mean, that's crazy talk, of course I'm lucky to have these people, but every emotional intimacy I have right now is leaking bitter and blood."

A list of recommended careers from a test: 1. Arborist 2. Chimney Sweep 3. Window Washer 4. Insulator 5. Mail Carrier 6. Zookeeper

Three recipes for gluten-free vegan brownies before "gf" was a thing, and one recipe for oatmeal muffins. Here is the latter:

oatmeal muffins

* 1 cup milk
* 1 cup quick cooking oats
* 1 egg
* 1/4 cup vegetable oil
* 1 cup all-purpose flour
* 1/4 cup white sugar
* 2 teaspoons baking powder
* 1/2 teaspoon salt

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Grease muffin cups or line with paper muffin liners.
2. In a small bowl, combine milk and oats; let soak for 15 minutes.
3. In a separate bowl, beat together egg and oil; stir in oatmeal mixture. In a third bowl, sift together flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Stir flour mixture into wet ingredients, just until combined. Spoon batter into prepared muffin cups until cups are 2/3 full.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 20 to 25 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean.

And some thoughts. I have so much less community here than I did there. I handle myself much better. I've shed most, if not all, of my self-loathing. Days now are one moment in a long life rather than something new and unpredictable all the time, even if the things that are happening are unpredictable. I need to be meeting more people; there are good fits for me out there, I just don't know how to go about finding them. I need to hang out with some folks who I was not a formative experience for.

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