greenstorm (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
greenstorm) wrote2021-07-15 07:28 pm
greenstorm) wrote2021-07-15 07:28 pm
Entry tags:
Daily: wherever you go
So I've been chewing on this PDA thing for awhile. It very clearly fits me. It explains so much, and at first it helped me with a bunch of workarounds and made me feel so much lighter: I wasn't failing at all this easy stuff, instead my experience was just so different enough that it wasn't easy. And I was a little bit relieved or smug that I'm in the 20% or so of folks with this thing that can still work and function in normal society (though honestly, awareness climbs it's likely those numbers will shift since if folks are in any way able to function they don't come to awareness of their neurotype etc).
Now I'm kind of crashing, though. I've realized that because it isn't just me there will never be a trick I learn that makes everything easier. There's no one simple thing that everyone else knows but can't verbalize that, when I figure it out, will just make the world fit me better.
I'm stuck here forever.
Don't get me wrong; I honestly really like who I am. PDA is a component of my personality along with many others and together they've all led me to be able to see things from many angles, to love deeply, to take joy in curiosity and unveiled understanding, to feel I fit into the actual earth if not human society, and to my truly wonderful relationship with ecosystems and the land. The things I can't do don't feel important to me most of the time; they feel like distractions from the heart of any matter. But.
But I don't live in a world with just myself, and I don't get to interact with just myself. I don't even get to interact with folks who really understand. That can be really lonely. The more clearly I understand myself the lonelier it gets. And there's no trick, no key, to take that away.
I don't consider my personality to be a liability. It's hard, but it's worth it. And honestly, all my life I've pretty much been able to normalize myself enough that other folks don't think I'm a liability either. Deep feelings are relatable. Striving is relatable. Feeling alienated is deeply relatable for a lot of folks. And when things aren't relatable they're manic pixie dream girl-style admirable, I guess inspiring is the word. Folks wish they could shed as many societal constraints as I do without fully understanding that I pay a price to do so.
But all during these interactions I'm an interpreter: I'm evoking other folks' feelings, analyzing for commonalities, reviewing what I know to be already-normalized or common experiences, and building bridges between my experiences and theirs. It's work. And I don't see too many folks doing the same for me, although I guess other folks don't see me doing it for them because I'm good at it.
With my growing understanding of PDA comes a growing knowledge that I'm an interpreter forever. I don't fancy myself an alien: I am an alien. The places I find meaning are just different from where other folks find meaning. The things I find important are invisible or inconsequential to other folks and I can't draw meaning out of many of their core rituals except through the consequences as they reflect back on folks.
The world is never going to fit me. I am never going to suddenly fit the world. Instead my daily practice, every day, is to carve out a space for myself. Some days it's like digging in sand and the hole fills back in. Some days it's chiselling rock. Some days it's like moving aside good garden loam with your fingers to plant a seed. Every day, the previous holes fill in a lot or a little and it starts again.
This is why covid ending is hard for me. I've had days where I haven't had to dig.
And so a lot of days lately I feel angry and defeated and frustrated and cast out and tired. No doubt I'll get back into the swing of daily work, and knowing me I'll make myself a place that fits me better where I don't need to do as much work every single day. But.
There's no trick. It's the work of moving the whole world a lot or a little. And in the end I am only flesh and blood.
Now I'm kind of crashing, though. I've realized that because it isn't just me there will never be a trick I learn that makes everything easier. There's no one simple thing that everyone else knows but can't verbalize that, when I figure it out, will just make the world fit me better.
I'm stuck here forever.
Don't get me wrong; I honestly really like who I am. PDA is a component of my personality along with many others and together they've all led me to be able to see things from many angles, to love deeply, to take joy in curiosity and unveiled understanding, to feel I fit into the actual earth if not human society, and to my truly wonderful relationship with ecosystems and the land. The things I can't do don't feel important to me most of the time; they feel like distractions from the heart of any matter. But.
But I don't live in a world with just myself, and I don't get to interact with just myself. I don't even get to interact with folks who really understand. That can be really lonely. The more clearly I understand myself the lonelier it gets. And there's no trick, no key, to take that away.
I don't consider my personality to be a liability. It's hard, but it's worth it. And honestly, all my life I've pretty much been able to normalize myself enough that other folks don't think I'm a liability either. Deep feelings are relatable. Striving is relatable. Feeling alienated is deeply relatable for a lot of folks. And when things aren't relatable they're manic pixie dream girl-style admirable, I guess inspiring is the word. Folks wish they could shed as many societal constraints as I do without fully understanding that I pay a price to do so.
But all during these interactions I'm an interpreter: I'm evoking other folks' feelings, analyzing for commonalities, reviewing what I know to be already-normalized or common experiences, and building bridges between my experiences and theirs. It's work. And I don't see too many folks doing the same for me, although I guess other folks don't see me doing it for them because I'm good at it.
With my growing understanding of PDA comes a growing knowledge that I'm an interpreter forever. I don't fancy myself an alien: I am an alien. The places I find meaning are just different from where other folks find meaning. The things I find important are invisible or inconsequential to other folks and I can't draw meaning out of many of their core rituals except through the consequences as they reflect back on folks.
The world is never going to fit me. I am never going to suddenly fit the world. Instead my daily practice, every day, is to carve out a space for myself. Some days it's like digging in sand and the hole fills back in. Some days it's chiselling rock. Some days it's like moving aside good garden loam with your fingers to plant a seed. Every day, the previous holes fill in a lot or a little and it starts again.
This is why covid ending is hard for me. I've had days where I haven't had to dig.
And so a lot of days lately I feel angry and defeated and frustrated and cast out and tired. No doubt I'll get back into the swing of daily work, and knowing me I'll make myself a place that fits me better where I don't need to do as much work every single day. But.
There's no trick. It's the work of moving the whole world a lot or a little. And in the end I am only flesh and blood.