greenstorm (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
greenstorm) wrote2022-08-15 11:58 am
greenstorm) wrote2022-08-15 11:58 am
Loaded
Another part of the PDA experience is that the more I cover it up and act reasonable, the more the energy builds. I got that wording for the telework agreement this morning and was literally in panicky tears, which-- I can't do that two weeks in a row. So I called a counselor, talked myself down, got some validation that it seemed like an overstep, contacted the union and the diversity and inclusion office. I can't contact my boss to see if video/photos are ok because he's on vacation; until I get him to agree to that I'm not "safe" so all of the rest of this is either masking reasonably "I'm not sure if you're aware... I'm contacting you to better understand my options" or just emotional exhaustion.
But regardless of what else is going on, this pressure remains (and will remain to a lesser extent as a background threat even if they agree to a one-off exception for me) and the pressure builds. Last week the escape I was envisioning was a new job; this week it's moving to a new province and posting all this publicly on every possible forum.
It's been decades since I've learned I can't act on this sort of thing when I'm feeling it, but not acting does feel an awful lot like holding back the ocean with my bare hands. Luckily I'm good at that.
But regardless of what else is going on, this pressure remains (and will remain to a lesser extent as a background threat even if they agree to a one-off exception for me) and the pressure builds. Last week the escape I was envisioning was a new job; this week it's moving to a new province and posting all this publicly on every possible forum.
It's been decades since I've learned I can't act on this sort of thing when I'm feeling it, but not acting does feel an awful lot like holding back the ocean with my bare hands. Luckily I'm good at that.