greenstorm | Huh.

Well, my mood feels stable (as in, not-reactive to outside stuff as much, not as in I know it will rest at this spot for awhile) for the first time in awhile. I started on the 13th, this is the 17th, yesterday was pretty ok too. They say that unlike normal folks, PMDD folks can have very fast reactions to SRIs. I guess my body is acting kind of normal for once?

I want to describe the mood thing a little better because there are several components, but one in particular I'm noticing. The PMDD mood stuff is incredibly reactive; a two-sentence emotional story will make me cry, a message will make me angry, everything has a really intense oversized reaction. So I'm spending all my energy basically trying to avoid stimuli and then trying to contain my reactions and just wait when I'm in that. When I'm out of it I might be happy or unhappy or upset or whatever, but it's not that every tiny change in my environment triggers a change, and I also am able to think about my feelings and notice them much better. Basically, PMDD is a bag of reaction; the rest of the time I'm a person who can have reactions to things. That makes it more possible for me to think about engaging in the world.

So if I was sitting at a 2 for awhile I'm maybe up to a 3 or 3.5 now. Things feel survivable. Bad tasks can trigger feelings like resignation instead of anger and fear or horror.

I am still having hella side effects, to the point that I'm sitting with a list of the symptoms of serotonin syndrome open in a tab and checking them from time to time. Everything I'm experiencing is either super slight or kind of similar-but-not-exactly-as-described. Honestly, it's a Friday, I should probably call the prescribing doctor while I have a chance of getting hold of her; I don't need to channel my mom and only use my options in an emergency. I can ask for advice and err on the side of caution; she's shown that she cares about me and my well-being.

But, to record this right now: I'm still getting that intense tingling/warm sensation over my shoulders and arms. Last night my legs were pretty tense, I kept deliberately untensing them and then noticing them tense again a bit later in a kind of achy, keeping-restless-legs-at-bay way. No stomach pain last night, and I got back to sleep a little better but sleep was still pretty fragile.

Less pop-rocks saliva, though my body seems to smell and taste different to itself than it normally does. I still feel cold, I think, relative to normal, except for the weird heat feeling in my skin. So I guess fewer side effects but the skin thing is pretty intense, and the muscle thing was annoying. I'm also getting pretty nauseous when I'm hungry, moreso than normal, but I'm pretty ok if I eat regularly.

So if major side effects should subside by 10 days, maybe I'm hopeful?

It's also super heartening to have my body respond to a medication the way it's supposed to. I feel a little less alien.

Huh.

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