Worst Thing

Tired but can't sleep. Midnight to 5am, lying there vibrating like a taut string, then up because it was silly.

Could be indicator of period. Could just be stress.

Ugh.

At least I get to go to work in semisunshine.

Party I: Pre-Party

Awright, then. Today I had what you might call a good day: ten minutes of rain in the morning, then sun and (just to make sure you appreciate the sun) a call from downtown midday to tell me it was pouring there. Chat with Angus on the bus home, which ...yaknow, it's both upsetting and nice to do, but make me feel better by the end than I did at the beginning. Met a fellow gardener, originally from Scotland, who's pretty cool to talk to (I love talking about gardening, z0mg!) and spoke with him for way too long-- then got home to the pre-party at my place, Mike and his gal friend cooking while Bob and Ryan seem to have finished most of the cleaning I started yesterday. Yay! Tomorrow before the party I can cook and do rat cages rather than frantically sweep! Also came home to hugs from Bob, which was awesome, and there's music now and a low-key kitchen party atmosphere. I wanna dance, but really do need to sleep sometime, I do, I do.

I also want people to hug me lots tomorrow night.

I also can do chinups effortlessly, though the opposite one (that uses back instead of arms) is still as hard as ever. Laps in the climbing gym Saturday, anyone? Avi and Bob are going too, not sure about time(s).

I wonder if sleeping in the livingroom will help tonight? I wonder if anything will help in the next little bit? This may be normal moving insomnia, even-- or normal no-one-to-hold-me insomnia. Ahwell, not dead yet.

The Light

I made a movie about the end of the world
it was 12 seconds long and it didn't have a plot
it just happens
and that's why it's in black and white
the characters don't talk or move around
they just stare up at the sky, frozen
and the light, the light is numb, the light is off
the light is just a thumb nail sketch of god
god...
somewhere, someone is crying
the camera sweeps over a desolate street
holding a mother and her child
the kid is calm and she is shaking
the camera passes into the sun
come at last to be undone
panicking, she tries to run
the kid is calm
and then the credits roll
and every name is my name

(There are three or four "mystical states" I achieve regularly. One of them has started only recently, and it's where everything seems to be outlined in light, and light pours through it, and it comes right in through my skin, hits my brain directly... who was it that was talking about the research into the part of the brain that separates "me" from "everything else"? This isn't a full on world-on-my-skin experience, just beauty-through-it. Bah, dunno what I'm talking about. Felt it the other day during dinner with Mom. Anyhow.)