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When I was involved in the poly community, one of the truisms was that there was enough love to go around: any person had the capability to love lots of people, it was just time and attention that were limited. Without going into great detail on how I feel about that particular idea, I will say that it made turned time and attention into commodities, something to be measured and meted out.
I suspect my scarcity issues around that sort of thing predate poly: I tend to fall for people who are jerks, who are self-absorbed, who are budy or who are emotionally unavailable. In short, I fall for people who aren't there in key ways. I also, whether because of this or because of earlier training (both dads and also my mom were extreme versions of physically or emotionally absent while I was growing up), just believe that when I want someone around no one will be there for me.
By not believing, I don't ask for it, and by not asking, I make it so. And the thing is, of course, that no one is there all the time, so when I get up the courage to ask someone to be around for a bit and am refused I use it as evidence that no one is going to be around ever. And, of course, I still seem to get emotionally hung up on people who are more absent than otherwise (ok, maybe I'm just being momentarily bitter here, but still).
It's smething I've been struggling with for a long time. This is just a reminder to keep struggling, I guess-- though for awhile I did have that feeling of no-scarcity, of someone who could bring everything to the table, and I'm gonna keep looking for that again.
On a totally different note I'm really looking forward to my housewarming. I'm going to rent Walking with Dinosaurs on the advice of my co-worker, put a pot of soup on, and invite you guys over, one per night, to be in my new home with me and do stuff we like, and talk. I'm really a one-on-one person and this will allow me to be that and also to spend a little time meeting people I haven't taken time to get to know individually, much better than a big party would do that for me at least.
Oh man am I looking forward to having my own place. Imagine quiet in the livingroom, and the ability to turn off the lights everywhere in the evenings and just have a couple of candles or a lantern on with no one walking through noisily! My music! New plants! Psychic space!
You can bet I'll miss my roommates some of the time though. Just having someone around to hug is pretty important and I will miss that. Also, couple of them are pretty cool people. ;)
Dreamed about Angus last night. We were at a convention in Toronto(?), he'd convinced me to go and them mysteriously disappeared halfway through and wasn't answering text messages, a whole bunch of us couldn't find him and his group of friends who'd wandered off. Someone came around and gave us this stuff which we found out afterwards was some kind of drug, and we found out afterwards too that we owed him $550 each for it. The dream ended in chaos and waking, not resolution. Angus disappearing halfway through a festival and just not existing afterwards? Feeling like something there asked more from me than I was expecting? Well, hmm. My dreams aren't transparent or anything. Hopefully that means my brain is processing back there.
Ahwell, enough morning can't-sleep rambling, time to make lunch and head.
I suspect my scarcity issues around that sort of thing predate poly: I tend to fall for people who are jerks, who are self-absorbed, who are budy or who are emotionally unavailable. In short, I fall for people who aren't there in key ways. I also, whether because of this or because of earlier training (both dads and also my mom were extreme versions of physically or emotionally absent while I was growing up), just believe that when I want someone around no one will be there for me.
By not believing, I don't ask for it, and by not asking, I make it so. And the thing is, of course, that no one is there all the time, so when I get up the courage to ask someone to be around for a bit and am refused I use it as evidence that no one is going to be around ever. And, of course, I still seem to get emotionally hung up on people who are more absent than otherwise (ok, maybe I'm just being momentarily bitter here, but still).
It's smething I've been struggling with for a long time. This is just a reminder to keep struggling, I guess-- though for awhile I did have that feeling of no-scarcity, of someone who could bring everything to the table, and I'm gonna keep looking for that again.
On a totally different note I'm really looking forward to my housewarming. I'm going to rent Walking with Dinosaurs on the advice of my co-worker, put a pot of soup on, and invite you guys over, one per night, to be in my new home with me and do stuff we like, and talk. I'm really a one-on-one person and this will allow me to be that and also to spend a little time meeting people I haven't taken time to get to know individually, much better than a big party would do that for me at least.
Oh man am I looking forward to having my own place. Imagine quiet in the livingroom, and the ability to turn off the lights everywhere in the evenings and just have a couple of candles or a lantern on with no one walking through noisily! My music! New plants! Psychic space!
You can bet I'll miss my roommates some of the time though. Just having someone around to hug is pretty important and I will miss that. Also, couple of them are pretty cool people. ;)
Dreamed about Angus last night. We were at a convention in Toronto(?), he'd convinced me to go and them mysteriously disappeared halfway through and wasn't answering text messages, a whole bunch of us couldn't find him and his group of friends who'd wandered off. Someone came around and gave us this stuff which we found out afterwards was some kind of drug, and we found out afterwards too that we owed him $550 each for it. The dream ended in chaos and waking, not resolution. Angus disappearing halfway through a festival and just not existing afterwards? Feeling like something there asked more from me than I was expecting? Well, hmm. My dreams aren't transparent or anything. Hopefully that means my brain is processing back there.
Ahwell, enough morning can't-sleep rambling, time to make lunch and head.
