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Dec. 6th, 2022 11:05 amOh look, someone's been observing my relationships
https://aspergersfromtheinside.com/2017/02/10/being-too-direct/
https://aspergersfromtheinside.com/2017/02/10/being-too-direct/
Relating since 1994
Jun. 20th, 2022 09:08 amMy side of a conversation I had about relationships, when asked what I meant by relationship anarchy. I think it's readable without the other person's side, which I've just praphrased in brackets. I think 2022 is my year of "taking no bullshit, giving no fucks" with potential relationship connections of interest. This is also an excellent example of how I'm feeling "more autistic" lately, that is, I'm not afraid to admit that I analyze human behaviours and I'm likewise not afraid to talk about what I see and what I need and how I think. Here goes:
Hm, you're looking for the practical rather than the philosophical? It generally means I talk a lot about what to expect from any given relationship, and I strongly resist assumptions that committing to do A also implicitly involves committing to do B. Further it means some of my relationships are very, very far from any of the typical obligation/interaction bundles that go into the standard relationship categories of spouse, primary, secondary, friends with benefits, friends, or whatnot. I work very hard to figure out which parts of a connection are a good fit and which parts are a bad fit, and to customize each relationship to only include what works for both people. It also in practice means I have a lot of cometary and long-distance folks right now who I consider very important and will prioritize time and energy for, but whose role in my other relationships is a popcorn gallery and advice panel; they don't have power to shape them.
(something on use of labels and how they sadly don't communicate everything that's needed)
Oh, I love labels! But it's important for the folks involved to know what is involved, and not assume based on the label -- "friends" or "partners" always do x or y, or never do x or y, it's really an ongoing process to daylight those assumptions and make sure they're grounded in consent. And as you say once relationships start to be really customized, outside folks just are not going to hear what's going on from those labels. Intimacy is by its nature so personal to the folks involved that as it deepens it becomes opaque to everyone else, I think.
My neurotype and calling won't allow for traditional relationships so I've ended up breaking it all the way down, and have been since I was 14 so I've had a lot of practice assuming I can do things and then failing. It's not a way I like relating to people I love, failing like that. It's so much work to do things this way! But it's also very rewarding.
I will quite often use shorthand to evoke more accurate understanding in folks, especially folks I'm not going to entangle with romantically or physically. This kind of discussion we're having here, about the details of relationship, is in itself a kind of relationship I don't want to have with every person, even people who might need to know something about my relationship status. Sometimes, then, I'll use "primary" (though most often these days 'my farm is my primary') to evoke "I prioritize my relationship with this person(/thing) over my relationship with you and don't feel like disclosing more about my decision-making process".
(something about toxicity of unicorn hunting and hierarchy)
TBH I'm pretty happy to destigmatize all that kind of language. Poly these days feels kind of dogmatic, which seems to force people to describe or avoid describing in certain ways, which leads to incompatible folks not speaking openly about their incompatibilities. I'd rather people do what works for them, have it all open and above-board, and allow folks to select in or out.
(something about all relationships having value)
Drawing one's value (or the relationship's value) from a relationship structure, that's haunted our society for so long, hasn't it?
I think the value of the relationship, one's commitment to it, and the structure of the relationship can all be decoupled (and in my personal case, should be) regardless of what that structure is.
Well, stigmatizing language also won't get you what you want, because if there's a desire/feeling of connection with someone and you're both wanting to explore the connection, that's the time when folks round themselves up or down to fit what they think the other person wants. So if you call hierarchy toxic they're unlikely to say "yeah, my spouse and I are going to prioritize keeping our relationship with each other intact if there's a serious issue, rather than me prioritizing this new relationship with you, and we agree together to this hierarchy". So then you won't know.
And it won't get them someone who maybe is looking for something without a level of long-term commitment, or who has a robust safety net and doesn't need certainty and can roll with that other nexus of power being present.
Ha, you have entered the infodumping zone.
(something on prescriptive vs descriptive hierarchy)
Ha, well, and here's one further for you to think about: depending on what you mean by prescriptive, does that mean it's ok to have a hierarchy as long as you haven't explicitly talked about it and agreed to it? Because I'd prefer to relate with someone who had sat down with their wife (for example) and agreed that they would prioritize certain things, which they could then explicitly list to me, rather than waiting until after events went down and saying, "well, looks like you prioritized those things"
When I'm scouting someone out for something with big emotions or big time commitments or whatever, I (ok, this is genuinely funny) tend to ask about how they've handled past tough things, because I find creativity and values show up big in those examples. Because most folks don't have a ton of lists.
So to clarify, prescriptive meaning trying to predict into the deep future?
These days I'm wrestling with intention and the unexpected in the future of relationships, so I'm right there with you on what prescription actually means in a relationship. We like to think we know ourselves, our partners, and the world, but life is fundamentally unknowable and partnerships with room for that are what survive.
("Can I reflect on my entire thinking and get back to you?")
Hm, you're looking for the practical rather than the philosophical? It generally means I talk a lot about what to expect from any given relationship, and I strongly resist assumptions that committing to do A also implicitly involves committing to do B. Further it means some of my relationships are very, very far from any of the typical obligation/interaction bundles that go into the standard relationship categories of spouse, primary, secondary, friends with benefits, friends, or whatnot. I work very hard to figure out which parts of a connection are a good fit and which parts are a bad fit, and to customize each relationship to only include what works for both people. It also in practice means I have a lot of cometary and long-distance folks right now who I consider very important and will prioritize time and energy for, but whose role in my other relationships is a popcorn gallery and advice panel; they don't have power to shape them.
(something on use of labels and how they sadly don't communicate everything that's needed)
Oh, I love labels! But it's important for the folks involved to know what is involved, and not assume based on the label -- "friends" or "partners" always do x or y, or never do x or y, it's really an ongoing process to daylight those assumptions and make sure they're grounded in consent. And as you say once relationships start to be really customized, outside folks just are not going to hear what's going on from those labels. Intimacy is by its nature so personal to the folks involved that as it deepens it becomes opaque to everyone else, I think.
My neurotype and calling won't allow for traditional relationships so I've ended up breaking it all the way down, and have been since I was 14 so I've had a lot of practice assuming I can do things and then failing. It's not a way I like relating to people I love, failing like that. It's so much work to do things this way! But it's also very rewarding.
I will quite often use shorthand to evoke more accurate understanding in folks, especially folks I'm not going to entangle with romantically or physically. This kind of discussion we're having here, about the details of relationship, is in itself a kind of relationship I don't want to have with every person, even people who might need to know something about my relationship status. Sometimes, then, I'll use "primary" (though most often these days 'my farm is my primary') to evoke "I prioritize my relationship with this person(/thing) over my relationship with you and don't feel like disclosing more about my decision-making process".
(something about toxicity of unicorn hunting and hierarchy)
TBH I'm pretty happy to destigmatize all that kind of language. Poly these days feels kind of dogmatic, which seems to force people to describe or avoid describing in certain ways, which leads to incompatible folks not speaking openly about their incompatibilities. I'd rather people do what works for them, have it all open and above-board, and allow folks to select in or out.
(something about all relationships having value)
Drawing one's value (or the relationship's value) from a relationship structure, that's haunted our society for so long, hasn't it?
I think the value of the relationship, one's commitment to it, and the structure of the relationship can all be decoupled (and in my personal case, should be) regardless of what that structure is.
Well, stigmatizing language also won't get you what you want, because if there's a desire/feeling of connection with someone and you're both wanting to explore the connection, that's the time when folks round themselves up or down to fit what they think the other person wants. So if you call hierarchy toxic they're unlikely to say "yeah, my spouse and I are going to prioritize keeping our relationship with each other intact if there's a serious issue, rather than me prioritizing this new relationship with you, and we agree together to this hierarchy". So then you won't know.
And it won't get them someone who maybe is looking for something without a level of long-term commitment, or who has a robust safety net and doesn't need certainty and can roll with that other nexus of power being present.
Ha, you have entered the infodumping zone.
(something on prescriptive vs descriptive hierarchy)
Ha, well, and here's one further for you to think about: depending on what you mean by prescriptive, does that mean it's ok to have a hierarchy as long as you haven't explicitly talked about it and agreed to it? Because I'd prefer to relate with someone who had sat down with their wife (for example) and agreed that they would prioritize certain things, which they could then explicitly list to me, rather than waiting until after events went down and saying, "well, looks like you prioritized those things"
When I'm scouting someone out for something with big emotions or big time commitments or whatever, I (ok, this is genuinely funny) tend to ask about how they've handled past tough things, because I find creativity and values show up big in those examples. Because most folks don't have a ton of lists.
So to clarify, prescriptive meaning trying to predict into the deep future?
These days I'm wrestling with intention and the unexpected in the future of relationships, so I'm right there with you on what prescription actually means in a relationship. We like to think we know ourselves, our partners, and the world, but life is fundamentally unknowable and partnerships with room for that are what survive.
("Can I reflect on my entire thinking and get back to you?")
Illusionary walls
Jun. 12th, 2022 09:12 amMonogamy is obsessed with sex; it elevates sex above other forms of human connection. It reads a sexual connection like tea leaves, expecting that type of interaction to predict and fulfill the whole of relating to someone. Sex can be emotional, connecting, or transcendent sure, but that's a lot of power to give one type of interaction. There are so many ways of relating that can also be emotional, connecting, or transcendent. It's weird to me to have compatibility in one stand in for compatibility in the others; likewise it's weird to rule huge swaths of connection out because they're notionally connected to one type.
Plus the rules always seem to arbitrary to me. Monogamous people themselves generally don't know them; if you ask two people in a monogamous couple where their lines are, what counts as allowable outside intimacy vs what doesn't, they will rarely agree even within the couple. What's more, they'll often universalize their expectations and assume all other monogamous folks share their own particular set of restrictions around physical/emotional/energetic contact.
For these reasons I struggle to interact with mono folks on a meaningful level. Keep it distant, keep it polite, because they can't be trusted to state their own boundaries up front and I can't know what they are from my outside perspective. Even something like texting daily, sharing a favourite song, hugging, hanging out late at night-- I can never tell what's not going to be ok, and I hate that. There are some folks I can trust to state and hold their boundaries but most of those people have been poly at some point.
That said, I had a lovely evening at J's last night. I still feel relatively comfortable inhabiting my body around him, which is something I'd worried about losing. I also like cooking for folks I care about, and who are appreciative.
On the other hand this is another connection that's going to inhabit the ok-right-now, likely-disappearing-soon space that my connection with Tucker does, I think? And that's destabilizing.
And this morning I'm super stressed about work; the way that's going down between management, and trying to figure out if I should pull the union in, around support for my autism/health stuff, is probably stressful enough that it entirely counteracts the shorter work-weeks I'm supposed to be doing to reduce stress and increase my capacity to work through this stuff. The command-and-control way work is approaching the situation is also super triggering my PDA, which in turn is making everything else in my life more difficult.
Ugh.
Plus the rules always seem to arbitrary to me. Monogamous people themselves generally don't know them; if you ask two people in a monogamous couple where their lines are, what counts as allowable outside intimacy vs what doesn't, they will rarely agree even within the couple. What's more, they'll often universalize their expectations and assume all other monogamous folks share their own particular set of restrictions around physical/emotional/energetic contact.
For these reasons I struggle to interact with mono folks on a meaningful level. Keep it distant, keep it polite, because they can't be trusted to state their own boundaries up front and I can't know what they are from my outside perspective. Even something like texting daily, sharing a favourite song, hugging, hanging out late at night-- I can never tell what's not going to be ok, and I hate that. There are some folks I can trust to state and hold their boundaries but most of those people have been poly at some point.
That said, I had a lovely evening at J's last night. I still feel relatively comfortable inhabiting my body around him, which is something I'd worried about losing. I also like cooking for folks I care about, and who are appreciative.
On the other hand this is another connection that's going to inhabit the ok-right-now, likely-disappearing-soon space that my connection with Tucker does, I think? And that's destabilizing.
And this morning I'm super stressed about work; the way that's going down between management, and trying to figure out if I should pull the union in, around support for my autism/health stuff, is probably stressful enough that it entirely counteracts the shorter work-weeks I'm supposed to be doing to reduce stress and increase my capacity to work through this stuff. The command-and-control way work is approaching the situation is also super triggering my PDA, which in turn is making everything else in my life more difficult.
Ugh.
(no subject)
Jun. 6th, 2022 01:31 pmI'm tired and my heart hurts. I need to spend time with some poly folks; the last week has convinced me that I probably love in colours that the eyes of folks around here can't even perceive. I feel invisible and my moral sense is a little offended. I guess maybe this is the first time I've watched default-monogamous (rather than deliberate-monogamous) folks sort their stuff out. I hadn't realized just how far I stood from that space.
I've been told that I'm very intentional about my relationships and I guess I am. I find the gift of connection to incur a responsibility to do some groundwork, to figure out which compatibilities exist, and then to build some sustainability into that system. To my mind it's at best cruel or a waste not to be a little mindful about it, to work to avoid anything easily avoidable.
I don't know. I was going to go on, something something Judeo-Christian denial of pleasure is supposed to be the sign of true love something property something ownership something control over other people's bodies something something but I don't have it in me. Maybe I need to call Tillie or Angus or someone from way back so I can just cry a little and year them say "yeah" and not have to explain anything.
In the meantime it's hot and sunny and I'm doing my garden and that's not so bad, is it? Corn and squash and beans and tomatoes and soup peas and potatoes and some extremely experimental melons all going in within the next couple days. The tiller is great. I love playing in the dirt and I'll love watching these experiments grow.
I've been told that I'm very intentional about my relationships and I guess I am. I find the gift of connection to incur a responsibility to do some groundwork, to figure out which compatibilities exist, and then to build some sustainability into that system. To my mind it's at best cruel or a waste not to be a little mindful about it, to work to avoid anything easily avoidable.
I don't know. I was going to go on, something something Judeo-Christian denial of pleasure is supposed to be the sign of true love something property something ownership something control over other people's bodies something something but I don't have it in me. Maybe I need to call Tillie or Angus or someone from way back so I can just cry a little and year them say "yeah" and not have to explain anything.
In the meantime it's hot and sunny and I'm doing my garden and that's not so bad, is it? Corn and squash and beans and tomatoes and soup peas and potatoes and some extremely experimental melons all going in within the next couple days. The tiller is great. I love playing in the dirt and I'll love watching these experiments grow.
(no subject)
Jun. 1st, 2022 08:47 amTo read later, seems like the kids have been doing some work in the last decade. Thank goodness. https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/relationship-anarchy-basics/
Web vs Atom
May. 31st, 2022 11:38 amIn the end I think the trouble with my entry point to Fort is the way monogamy sets up atomized social structures while nonmonogamy/queer culture leans heavily on an interconnected web of folks who have each other's backs. I mean, we might not even like each other, but we have each other's backs.
My understanding is the web of chosen family and mutual support comes out of not having traditional support structures, out of being kicked out of families and off jobs and needing to band together not to be attacked or killed. I don't think of myself as queer really, but I have that same webbed structure of support and I'm used to it.
Instead Fort has a typical monogamous structure, your married units and their blood family are the support. Folks outside those units might be nice but they're not there to have your back. It's probably especially entrenched here because there are so many big old families who take care of their own, and then transient people who just leave instead of establishing networks.
I do think it falls apart a bit in practice in Fort. I mean, a lot of those married units probably do not really have each other's backs. That's enough worse -- limiting your support pool even if it's not functioning -- that I'm not going to think about it more right now.
But here's the thing. I want someone to have my back here. Tucker did that for me while he was here, and now he is gone and I just... there's nowhere I can show up and be fed and just sit and be cared for if something bad is going down. I move my furniture on my own. I always, always have to figure it out.
I don't know. Hard times.
My understanding is the web of chosen family and mutual support comes out of not having traditional support structures, out of being kicked out of families and off jobs and needing to band together not to be attacked or killed. I don't think of myself as queer really, but I have that same webbed structure of support and I'm used to it.
Instead Fort has a typical monogamous structure, your married units and their blood family are the support. Folks outside those units might be nice but they're not there to have your back. It's probably especially entrenched here because there are so many big old families who take care of their own, and then transient people who just leave instead of establishing networks.
I do think it falls apart a bit in practice in Fort. I mean, a lot of those married units probably do not really have each other's backs. That's enough worse -- limiting your support pool even if it's not functioning -- that I'm not going to think about it more right now.
But here's the thing. I want someone to have my back here. Tucker did that for me while he was here, and now he is gone and I just... there's nowhere I can show up and be fed and just sit and be cared for if something bad is going down. I move my furniture on my own. I always, always have to figure it out.
I don't know. Hard times.
Hahahahahahaha
May. 30th, 2022 07:53 pmThis is kinda embarassing. You are going to laugh so much at this, especially the poly folks.
Or actually, maybe it's too much tonight. Call it small-town monogamous drama that involves everyone in town I have any interest in and takes the new person off the table and leaves it at that. Disappointing, extremely silly (from my POV), involves a bunch of suffering, is probably not surprising, and will take time to resolve itself.
Plus A&E are wanting to get back in touch.
Seriously, why do I do anything except garden? It all ends in tears.
On the other hand I feel so confident now in my actions. I'll do the right thing, and I do, and it comes from a place of care and connection and not these relics or torture devices society saddles us with. I'm free to offer myself clearly and set boundaries, freer than I've ever been. This situation fucking sucks but it hasn't shaken me, really.
I am sad, disappointed, and looking forward to doing a heavy lift for awhile. I mean, at least I'm here, to be here for folks if they need? But when do I get folks to be there for me?
Also, as Nicholas said, "My vague feeling is like hell you need this shit, and I'm trying to formulate the sentence "can't a person just get laid without drama" around your particular choice of pronouns and identities without much success so let's just leave it at that? Ugh."
Gah.
Or actually, maybe it's too much tonight. Call it small-town monogamous drama that involves everyone in town I have any interest in and takes the new person off the table and leaves it at that. Disappointing, extremely silly (from my POV), involves a bunch of suffering, is probably not surprising, and will take time to resolve itself.
Plus A&E are wanting to get back in touch.
Seriously, why do I do anything except garden? It all ends in tears.
On the other hand I feel so confident now in my actions. I'll do the right thing, and I do, and it comes from a place of care and connection and not these relics or torture devices society saddles us with. I'm free to offer myself clearly and set boundaries, freer than I've ever been. This situation fucking sucks but it hasn't shaken me, really.
I am sad, disappointed, and looking forward to doing a heavy lift for awhile. I mean, at least I'm here, to be here for folks if they need? But when do I get folks to be there for me?
Also, as Nicholas said, "My vague feeling is like hell you need this shit, and I'm trying to formulate the sentence "can't a person just get laid without drama" around your particular choice of pronouns and identities without much success so let's just leave it at that? Ugh."
Gah.
Secret world
Mar. 24th, 2022 10:43 amToday the plan was to dig into how PDA, particularly, intersects with my burnout. I'm going to set that down though and just observe:
Last night Tucker spontaneously talked some about how his other relationships are going and it was really nice. He normally keeps this stuff really close to his chest so opening up like this was a chance for me to see and talk to, well, someone who's now spent a bunch of time doing poly stuff and is clear-sighted and able to think, talk, and draw conclusions about these dynamics. I don't get to talk to too many folks like that; for most people the closest they get is closing down their dyadic (or occasionally triadic) relationship after things are hard a couple times. Having conversations with folks who can see common patterns and talk about how things went down, what strategies to use next, which parts you just gotta swallow-- it feels like home. And I just like how he thinks about things, his sensibilities, his feel for the world, his not-quite-sense-of-humour but sense of fitness or irony or-- is there a word for that?
Whether he's comfortable talking to me more because he'll be gone soon and the stakes are lower or because he's been etching away at counseling and self-work I'll never know, but I'll take it.
Today someone said "I've started asking myself when I'm in a bad situation, what would an autistic person do? and it's really helped". In this case, what would I do? Well, I'd take the pieces of him he's willing to give me and go elsewhere for the needs he doesn't want to be part of filling. Conveniently, I have some folks auditioning for some of those needs, for day-to-day food & farm support -- A&E -- right now. And Josh is excited to have me living closer, and we're both excited for me to maybe live where we can go out boating together since ocean is such a huge part of his connection with the world. And that leaves room for me to open to what Tucker is willing to give without grasping, for my emotions to settle to the correct distance without trying to force it into an ill-fitting companionship.
Last night Tucker spontaneously talked some about how his other relationships are going and it was really nice. He normally keeps this stuff really close to his chest so opening up like this was a chance for me to see and talk to, well, someone who's now spent a bunch of time doing poly stuff and is clear-sighted and able to think, talk, and draw conclusions about these dynamics. I don't get to talk to too many folks like that; for most people the closest they get is closing down their dyadic (or occasionally triadic) relationship after things are hard a couple times. Having conversations with folks who can see common patterns and talk about how things went down, what strategies to use next, which parts you just gotta swallow-- it feels like home. And I just like how he thinks about things, his sensibilities, his feel for the world, his not-quite-sense-of-humour but sense of fitness or irony or-- is there a word for that?
Whether he's comfortable talking to me more because he'll be gone soon and the stakes are lower or because he's been etching away at counseling and self-work I'll never know, but I'll take it.
Today someone said "I've started asking myself when I'm in a bad situation, what would an autistic person do? and it's really helped". In this case, what would I do? Well, I'd take the pieces of him he's willing to give me and go elsewhere for the needs he doesn't want to be part of filling. Conveniently, I have some folks auditioning for some of those needs, for day-to-day food & farm support -- A&E -- right now. And Josh is excited to have me living closer, and we're both excited for me to maybe live where we can go out boating together since ocean is such a huge part of his connection with the world. And that leaves room for me to open to what Tucker is willing to give without grasping, for my emotions to settle to the correct distance without trying to force it into an ill-fitting companionship.
Not Even An Announcement
Jan. 3rd, 2022 11:21 amIt's time to make this a little more formal.
All my life I've wanted someone to see me, to not necessarily walk beside me every step but to know my story. That's where I kept my eyes when everyone got married, maybe had kids, got divorced, did careers. There's no one left in my life who's been there from the start and will be there until the end except one.
I'd have wished for someone who remembers it all and can put it in context; instead what I got is someone who's supported me every step, who believes in the spirit inside me wholeheartedly, who thinks it's important that I follow my calling and my meaning.
I don't have someone who loves me unconditionally, all the time, and is always able to open her heart to empathize with my pain. I do have someone who's learning to do so, and who sometimes stumbles upon it as the right thing to do, and other times who's able to invite me into that space of love and healing.
There is no one person who will complete me, who I can disappear into for years and never come out, though I've wished there is. Still, I have someone at my back, who speaks for me in community and whose well of interest never runs dry. When things are rough she'll entice me into what I love and I find comfort that way; when my interest leaps away into some new thing she lets me follow my joy and takes care of me as best she can when she's able.
Time and again she's pushed her limits to be there for me; not always, but often, and when everyone else fails she's the one who always comes through.
She can't be everything for me. Our physical intimacy comes and goes, sometimes it's fraught, and it's never as robust and immediate as it is with other people. She doesn't have as much capacity as I'd like, and time and again I've come up against her limits. She forgets to be compassionate in the midst of fixing things and soothing things. Her emotions overwhelm her and sometimes she forgets what to do or how to do it. She's not given to constancy and promises come and go and come again, though she's better at knowing her limits around that now.
Still, here we are, so many years later. She's been writing to me for well over twenty years now, for my entire adult life. She's been supporting me and in these times where everyone else is receding she's the one I trust not to go anywhere. Neither of us minds the ride of NRE, the bit of a break, and we've ridden out my various relationships shockingly well.
So it seems reasonable to acknowledge this now, to cement it with a symbol. I'm working with a designer on the ring; I'm not sure if I can afford the gold or if I'll have to hope the silver will survive maybe 40 years of wear. There will need to be a ceremony at some point, I've been chewing on that for a couple years but I'm not sure how it'll look. There may be a small private ceremony in the meantime. I don't know that there'll be a single set of vows; perhaps a small book to recall me to the heart of meaning here.
It's too bad monoheteronormativity is such a thing; I think when most people do this they get gifts as well as a dual income or childcare out of it. I won't be getting that. It's still important to do, and to do in the sight of community, though I'm nervous about that.
I don't expect this to change things but I do believe it will help me remember.
All my life I've wanted someone to see me, to not necessarily walk beside me every step but to know my story. That's where I kept my eyes when everyone got married, maybe had kids, got divorced, did careers. There's no one left in my life who's been there from the start and will be there until the end except one.
I'd have wished for someone who remembers it all and can put it in context; instead what I got is someone who's supported me every step, who believes in the spirit inside me wholeheartedly, who thinks it's important that I follow my calling and my meaning.
I don't have someone who loves me unconditionally, all the time, and is always able to open her heart to empathize with my pain. I do have someone who's learning to do so, and who sometimes stumbles upon it as the right thing to do, and other times who's able to invite me into that space of love and healing.
There is no one person who will complete me, who I can disappear into for years and never come out, though I've wished there is. Still, I have someone at my back, who speaks for me in community and whose well of interest never runs dry. When things are rough she'll entice me into what I love and I find comfort that way; when my interest leaps away into some new thing she lets me follow my joy and takes care of me as best she can when she's able.
Time and again she's pushed her limits to be there for me; not always, but often, and when everyone else fails she's the one who always comes through.
She can't be everything for me. Our physical intimacy comes and goes, sometimes it's fraught, and it's never as robust and immediate as it is with other people. She doesn't have as much capacity as I'd like, and time and again I've come up against her limits. She forgets to be compassionate in the midst of fixing things and soothing things. Her emotions overwhelm her and sometimes she forgets what to do or how to do it. She's not given to constancy and promises come and go and come again, though she's better at knowing her limits around that now.
Still, here we are, so many years later. She's been writing to me for well over twenty years now, for my entire adult life. She's been supporting me and in these times where everyone else is receding she's the one I trust not to go anywhere. Neither of us minds the ride of NRE, the bit of a break, and we've ridden out my various relationships shockingly well.
So it seems reasonable to acknowledge this now, to cement it with a symbol. I'm working with a designer on the ring; I'm not sure if I can afford the gold or if I'll have to hope the silver will survive maybe 40 years of wear. There will need to be a ceremony at some point, I've been chewing on that for a couple years but I'm not sure how it'll look. There may be a small private ceremony in the meantime. I don't know that there'll be a single set of vows; perhaps a small book to recall me to the heart of meaning here.
It's too bad monoheteronormativity is such a thing; I think when most people do this they get gifts as well as a dual income or childcare out of it. I won't be getting that. It's still important to do, and to do in the sight of community, though I'm nervous about that.
I don't expect this to change things but I do believe it will help me remember.
Unsettled/Unpredicted
Oct. 3rd, 2021 08:41 amI slept under a weighted blanket for the first time last night. It's made like a quilt, with two layers of fabric sewn into squares and glass beads in the squares. That's a pretty common way of making a weighted blanket, and it had the issue that I expected: that is a lot of thermal mass, and so it took a long time to heat up to body temperature and then once it heated up it stayed hot. It's probably still super warm now, three hours after I got out of bed.
I'd got the blanket used, in town, pretty cheap. I'd been thinking about getting a weighted blanket for awhile-- I usually need several comforters or blankets on me to sleep and figured it might replace several of them-- but it's a lot of money to put out. I was glad to find this one and be able to either use it as a trial or keep it.
I'd forgotten just how *scented* other people's homes and laundries are. Whatever they've done to this it fills the room and then some with this... fragrance. It doesn't seem to trigger my fragrance-sensitive headaches, and I don't use the blanket against my skin so it doesn't have a chance to give me hives. What it does do, though, is poke my senses over and over like a curious 3-year-old and make my house feel foreign. Last night felt like sleeping on someone's couch just because it didn't smell like my home at all.
The blanket is 25 lbs so it's not really washable in a machine. It's even actively a little hard to handle. I might try to give it an enzyme or bleach soak but I'm not sure what drying it would look like. It is definitely too heavy for a laundry line and would probably tip chairs over if I tried to drape it. You know the way a dead body is hard to carry, because it flops all over, it's literally a dead weight? The blanket is worse.
It was nice to sleep under, though, once it warmed up. My sleeping positions tend to stretch out the muscles I've used during the day and having the weight also was a nice tension on my muscles. Plus I imagine if I keep using it my forearms will strengthen up quick.
It was good to have something to think about. I had a talk with Josh where he's prioritized some stuff with his other partner that will change the kinds of sex I can have with him, told after the fact. That's kind of piled on top of something relatively similar with Tucker that happened previously and I'm feeling-- I don't know. Not pleased. Angry? Bereft? The volume is turned down a little on those feelings but they're not great.
And then today I'm trying to get Nox and Oak into the woodshed. I've done the things right, three hours to set up the yard into a series of funnels using the trailers and lots of panels. All I need to do now is go out with a bucket and treats, let them out of the garden into the yard, and gently steer as they wander around. I've given myself all day. I will need to be slow, not be anxious (which of course I am) and just have patience and live in their mindset with them until they're moved.
It's a significant emotional challenge, honestly.
Anyhow, that's my morning. We'll see what the afternoon brings.
I'd got the blanket used, in town, pretty cheap. I'd been thinking about getting a weighted blanket for awhile-- I usually need several comforters or blankets on me to sleep and figured it might replace several of them-- but it's a lot of money to put out. I was glad to find this one and be able to either use it as a trial or keep it.
I'd forgotten just how *scented* other people's homes and laundries are. Whatever they've done to this it fills the room and then some with this... fragrance. It doesn't seem to trigger my fragrance-sensitive headaches, and I don't use the blanket against my skin so it doesn't have a chance to give me hives. What it does do, though, is poke my senses over and over like a curious 3-year-old and make my house feel foreign. Last night felt like sleeping on someone's couch just because it didn't smell like my home at all.
The blanket is 25 lbs so it's not really washable in a machine. It's even actively a little hard to handle. I might try to give it an enzyme or bleach soak but I'm not sure what drying it would look like. It is definitely too heavy for a laundry line and would probably tip chairs over if I tried to drape it. You know the way a dead body is hard to carry, because it flops all over, it's literally a dead weight? The blanket is worse.
It was nice to sleep under, though, once it warmed up. My sleeping positions tend to stretch out the muscles I've used during the day and having the weight also was a nice tension on my muscles. Plus I imagine if I keep using it my forearms will strengthen up quick.
It was good to have something to think about. I had a talk with Josh where he's prioritized some stuff with his other partner that will change the kinds of sex I can have with him, told after the fact. That's kind of piled on top of something relatively similar with Tucker that happened previously and I'm feeling-- I don't know. Not pleased. Angry? Bereft? The volume is turned down a little on those feelings but they're not great.
And then today I'm trying to get Nox and Oak into the woodshed. I've done the things right, three hours to set up the yard into a series of funnels using the trailers and lots of panels. All I need to do now is go out with a bucket and treats, let them out of the garden into the yard, and gently steer as they wander around. I've given myself all day. I will need to be slow, not be anxious (which of course I am) and just have patience and live in their mindset with them until they're moved.
It's a significant emotional challenge, honestly.
Anyhow, that's my morning. We'll see what the afternoon brings.
Thursday and Friday last week were big hard bush days: roughly 7km/day with sme significant elevation change walking through slashy cutblock, bracketed by more-or-less six hours of driving per day (or sitting in the truck while the other guy drove and I did of-the-cuff GIS using UTMs and math to drop a grid on a block, to be completely honest). Just picture an uneven-stair-height program on a stairmaster for three hours with a lot of enforced sitting on either side. Think salt stains on clothes.
There will be two more bush days like that to finish the block. Then I have my solo block, a block at elevation, and the 2km long monster Inzana block left to do. So basically, there's a lot of field work this fall. Plus there's a bunch of training etc.
And... hard physical work is good for my brain. I feel clear, balanced, happy. I have no idea how much of what's been happening in my mind is just not getting enough exercise. So, I signed up for yoga -- these are very small classes of 2-4 people, "most folks vaccinated" and I have my shots. I guess this is where I'll spend my covid risk.
Tucker has been proactive and clear in communicating about relationship stuff. We're slowly making progress on the big question of "are we trying to end up in the same physical location or not?" with Adrian and Ellen. Meanwhile I'm doing some internal work on holding my boundaries around properties with A&E -- they're drifting towards smaller properties -- and figuring out how to handle partners' absences (both physical and emotional).
I've realized that I can't effectively screen for partners that never do depressive bouts. My previous work around this was to look for folks who had a handle on their depression, who did things about it. That... mostly works, but sometimes there will just be Things That Happen. How do I take care of myself through that, be compassionate towards both my need for connection and a partner's absence/loss of themselves during that time? Plus it's not realistic to have someone available to me actually every day, which I knew, but what do I really need in practice around that? I'd been managing it by feeding anxiety-brain lots of planning information to try to control things. Is that a reasonable way to do things? Are there other ways to control things? Are there other ways to feel safe?
And then Tucker and I are digging into our emotional communication. I'm still feeling this out but basically the dynamic is that he experiences my curiosity or interest as unsafe and he retreats. I experience his lack of communication as emotional withdrawal and lack of interest and alternate between reaching out (feels unsafe to him) or withdrawing. We both have some legacy stuff around this: he generally has experienced people knowing about him as unsafe, and I have tended to use information as a way to predictability and thus self-soothing around things I'm anxious about rather than just being present in the awareness for its own sake. So there's room for this pattern to be eased by self-awareness and being very deliberate in our communication and we're exploring that.
It's certainly been my experience that folks love my curiosity about them at first and then as NRE fades they can begin to experience it as invasive. That pattern can use a look-over, no matter what else comes out of this.
Tucker has been proactively looking up resources for us, which feels amazing. It feels like he's engaged in this process with me. We'll definitely need to move towards a more autonomous model than we have had, but I'm hopeful we can come up with something that might also feel more caring and supportive.
Meantime we've dodged several close calls with frost. I haven't yet brought my green tomatoes in yet and it's a gamble that's served me so far, but it can't hold forever. I am so pleased with this variety trial.
And now it's a very, very busy work week ahead. I need a solid excel course involving pivot tables honestly. And we will see what happens with the job I applied for last week; it's more portable but no field work, so it would allow for a smoother transition to the Island if/when that happens.
There will be two more bush days like that to finish the block. Then I have my solo block, a block at elevation, and the 2km long monster Inzana block left to do. So basically, there's a lot of field work this fall. Plus there's a bunch of training etc.
And... hard physical work is good for my brain. I feel clear, balanced, happy. I have no idea how much of what's been happening in my mind is just not getting enough exercise. So, I signed up for yoga -- these are very small classes of 2-4 people, "most folks vaccinated" and I have my shots. I guess this is where I'll spend my covid risk.
Tucker has been proactive and clear in communicating about relationship stuff. We're slowly making progress on the big question of "are we trying to end up in the same physical location or not?" with Adrian and Ellen. Meanwhile I'm doing some internal work on holding my boundaries around properties with A&E -- they're drifting towards smaller properties -- and figuring out how to handle partners' absences (both physical and emotional).
I've realized that I can't effectively screen for partners that never do depressive bouts. My previous work around this was to look for folks who had a handle on their depression, who did things about it. That... mostly works, but sometimes there will just be Things That Happen. How do I take care of myself through that, be compassionate towards both my need for connection and a partner's absence/loss of themselves during that time? Plus it's not realistic to have someone available to me actually every day, which I knew, but what do I really need in practice around that? I'd been managing it by feeding anxiety-brain lots of planning information to try to control things. Is that a reasonable way to do things? Are there other ways to control things? Are there other ways to feel safe?
And then Tucker and I are digging into our emotional communication. I'm still feeling this out but basically the dynamic is that he experiences my curiosity or interest as unsafe and he retreats. I experience his lack of communication as emotional withdrawal and lack of interest and alternate between reaching out (feels unsafe to him) or withdrawing. We both have some legacy stuff around this: he generally has experienced people knowing about him as unsafe, and I have tended to use information as a way to predictability and thus self-soothing around things I'm anxious about rather than just being present in the awareness for its own sake. So there's room for this pattern to be eased by self-awareness and being very deliberate in our communication and we're exploring that.
It's certainly been my experience that folks love my curiosity about them at first and then as NRE fades they can begin to experience it as invasive. That pattern can use a look-over, no matter what else comes out of this.
Tucker has been proactively looking up resources for us, which feels amazing. It feels like he's engaged in this process with me. We'll definitely need to move towards a more autonomous model than we have had, but I'm hopeful we can come up with something that might also feel more caring and supportive.
Meantime we've dodged several close calls with frost. I haven't yet brought my green tomatoes in yet and it's a gamble that's served me so far, but it can't hold forever. I am so pleased with this variety trial.
And now it's a very, very busy work week ahead. I need a solid excel course involving pivot tables honestly. And we will see what happens with the job I applied for last week; it's more portable but no field work, so it would allow for a smoother transition to the Island if/when that happens.
Talked with Tucker most of the weekend about relationship stuff. Seems like his trip broke a depression, or something. The talks are ongoing but have been really good. I feel like I'm talking with a person again in so many ways.
I took a break from talking with Tucker to talk with Kelsey and that was really lovely. The real North is rough and she's in a profession supposed to help the most disadvantaged people up there so she's having a rough time, as is everyone around her I think. On the other hand she's just really good to talk to. I briefly explained the Tucker situation to her and she asked "what's the best case scenario" which is what I needed to be asked.
I had today off work too, an extra long weekend for me, so I was able to spend the day doing farm stuff and re-centering from the weekend's talks. I combed through my tomato trial and picked and labelled ripe fruits (and trimmed back some extra growth, I'm probably still missing some fruits though), picked the gaspe corn (ripe enough to dry indoors where it won't get eaten), picked a bunch of pickling cukes, and finally finished butchering the last few primals from the kill two weeks ago since they finally thawed enough to work on today.
Right now both crockpots are rendering down soap lard, my soap pan is full of lard waiting to be turned into more soap, the pressure cooker is cooling down with dog food in it, the stockpot is simmering some tonkotsu broth, the canner is cooling down full of carnitas, my freezer is chilling down thickish pork belly slices to be eaten with ssamjang, and there's thin-sliced meat waiting for jerky marinade in the fridge. Oregano is currently in the dehydrator. My chimney is supposed to be replaced next weekend and today, at least, I'm not feeling the lack of heat.
My house feels alive.
I've moved back up out of the basement to the loft room. I get more light in the mornings up there for the next little while, before there's no more morning light. It's warmer up there and the bed is better, though it's much louder. I can't ignore the dogs barking much at all.
Two mornings ago Thea was barking seriously for a long time so I stuck my head out, didn't see anything, went downstairs and put on my boots, stepped out the door, and saw the fattest black bear you can imagine down by the chicken coop. I popped back inside and got the gun and went back outside; Avallu had stirred himself because I was out, and he and Thea chased the bear back over the fence. So there I am standing in giant insulated gumboots and underwear, holding a gun, clomping around in the back of the house to make sure everything was ok. Pretty funny, honestly. I didn't see the bear again this morning and it doesn't seem to have hurt anything or got into any feed, which is good. That was a very, very fat bear and he would not have fit in my freezer, nor would I have had the energy to process him properly.
Tucker and I watched the Brothers Bloom and I thought about mononormativity being strong enough that it needs to get rid of even siblings, not just other romantic relationships. I thought about how personal development happens outside longstanding relationships, you can't maintain a longstanding relationship in those stories and still do personal growth. I thought about how when someone needs to do personal growth they find a girl who has the qualities they need and then date her until the qualities rub off. Then the narrative discards the girl, she probably didn't have interiority or an arc of her own anyhow.
I thought about someone knowing me enough to know what I want.
I'm turning over and over what I want from a relationship, what I need from it, what isn't good for me and what is. I'm turning over and over what I need to trust and what I don't, and what it looks like to trust Tucker to be himself and where that self fits best in position to me.
I will say that I've been doing distance relationships for a long time, since Jan in Germany in my early twenties, and nearly two decades later I may be better at them but I have plenty of them. Distance is for talky relationships.
I feel the need to come at what I need from a values perspective. What does that look like?
( Rough stab at relationship values )
I took a break from talking with Tucker to talk with Kelsey and that was really lovely. The real North is rough and she's in a profession supposed to help the most disadvantaged people up there so she's having a rough time, as is everyone around her I think. On the other hand she's just really good to talk to. I briefly explained the Tucker situation to her and she asked "what's the best case scenario" which is what I needed to be asked.
I had today off work too, an extra long weekend for me, so I was able to spend the day doing farm stuff and re-centering from the weekend's talks. I combed through my tomato trial and picked and labelled ripe fruits (and trimmed back some extra growth, I'm probably still missing some fruits though), picked the gaspe corn (ripe enough to dry indoors where it won't get eaten), picked a bunch of pickling cukes, and finally finished butchering the last few primals from the kill two weeks ago since they finally thawed enough to work on today.
Right now both crockpots are rendering down soap lard, my soap pan is full of lard waiting to be turned into more soap, the pressure cooker is cooling down with dog food in it, the stockpot is simmering some tonkotsu broth, the canner is cooling down full of carnitas, my freezer is chilling down thickish pork belly slices to be eaten with ssamjang, and there's thin-sliced meat waiting for jerky marinade in the fridge. Oregano is currently in the dehydrator. My chimney is supposed to be replaced next weekend and today, at least, I'm not feeling the lack of heat.
My house feels alive.
I've moved back up out of the basement to the loft room. I get more light in the mornings up there for the next little while, before there's no more morning light. It's warmer up there and the bed is better, though it's much louder. I can't ignore the dogs barking much at all.
Two mornings ago Thea was barking seriously for a long time so I stuck my head out, didn't see anything, went downstairs and put on my boots, stepped out the door, and saw the fattest black bear you can imagine down by the chicken coop. I popped back inside and got the gun and went back outside; Avallu had stirred himself because I was out, and he and Thea chased the bear back over the fence. So there I am standing in giant insulated gumboots and underwear, holding a gun, clomping around in the back of the house to make sure everything was ok. Pretty funny, honestly. I didn't see the bear again this morning and it doesn't seem to have hurt anything or got into any feed, which is good. That was a very, very fat bear and he would not have fit in my freezer, nor would I have had the energy to process him properly.
Tucker and I watched the Brothers Bloom and I thought about mononormativity being strong enough that it needs to get rid of even siblings, not just other romantic relationships. I thought about how personal development happens outside longstanding relationships, you can't maintain a longstanding relationship in those stories and still do personal growth. I thought about how when someone needs to do personal growth they find a girl who has the qualities they need and then date her until the qualities rub off. Then the narrative discards the girl, she probably didn't have interiority or an arc of her own anyhow.
I thought about someone knowing me enough to know what I want.
I'm turning over and over what I want from a relationship, what I need from it, what isn't good for me and what is. I'm turning over and over what I need to trust and what I don't, and what it looks like to trust Tucker to be himself and where that self fits best in position to me.
I will say that I've been doing distance relationships for a long time, since Jan in Germany in my early twenties, and nearly two decades later I may be better at them but I have plenty of them. Distance is for talky relationships.
I feel the need to come at what I need from a values perspective. What does that look like?
( Rough stab at relationship values )
Offered as advice to me today on the internet, my particulars in brackets to replace the given phrasing: "I’m not going to abandon you, but I cannot be both your caregiver (your relationship counselor) and your romantic partner. If you aren’t going to work on your mental health (relationship skills/relationship with me) and just need me as a support, I can do that but I won’t be able to do that and maintain the romantic aspects of our relationship"
The Daily Breakup
Aug. 17th, 2021 09:16 pmTags:
- boundaries,
- breakup,
- endings,
- grief,
- josh,
- love,
- me,
- poly,
- relationship,
- relationships,
- tucker
I didn't sleep well. Or, I slept well until 3am or so, then that was it.
My side is still sore and I waffled for awhile about going to the bush, but ultimately got the summer student handed off to someone else for the day and stayed home. It was probably the right call physically and the wrong call emotionally.
I'm prickly this morning. I want to argue with people. I guess when someone makes a statement that doesn't reflect my experience I can disengage, add information, or argue. For the last little while I've been disengaging. I used to add information a lot more, and I prefer that result. When I don't trust a good result, I argue.
It's not super uncommon for folks to think that adding information is arguing, but that is a separate rabbit hole.
Today I'm going to take a nap and walk in the garden some. I have so much stuff I need to do to prepare for Josh's arrival but I'm trying not to lift heavy things. Tucker helped get all my books off the shelves so I can move the shelves so the guys can come fix my chimney but the boxes are all over my livingroom. Gonna wait on moving those. I'd like to empty the grain in my trailer so I can go get hay or straw for the year. Gonna wait on that. I'd like to plant a couple haskaps so they're not in pots over the winter, and get them well watered in. Gonna wait on digging as much as any other twisty weighty activity. It would be good to start a wine and get some berries out of the freezer for it in prep for the pig butchery. Again, that's a lot of weight. I really want to get something done, something accomplished.
And before that I need to get some work done. That, at least, is some straightforward data entry.
My side is still sore and I waffled for awhile about going to the bush, but ultimately got the summer student handed off to someone else for the day and stayed home. It was probably the right call physically and the wrong call emotionally.
I'm prickly this morning. I want to argue with people. I guess when someone makes a statement that doesn't reflect my experience I can disengage, add information, or argue. For the last little while I've been disengaging. I used to add information a lot more, and I prefer that result. When I don't trust a good result, I argue.
It's not super uncommon for folks to think that adding information is arguing, but that is a separate rabbit hole.
Today I'm going to take a nap and walk in the garden some. I have so much stuff I need to do to prepare for Josh's arrival but I'm trying not to lift heavy things. Tucker helped get all my books off the shelves so I can move the shelves so the guys can come fix my chimney but the boxes are all over my livingroom. Gonna wait on moving those. I'd like to empty the grain in my trailer so I can go get hay or straw for the year. Gonna wait on that. I'd like to plant a couple haskaps so they're not in pots over the winter, and get them well watered in. Gonna wait on digging as much as any other twisty weighty activity. It would be good to start a wine and get some berries out of the freezer for it in prep for the pig butchery. Again, that's a lot of weight. I really want to get something done, something accomplished.
And before that I need to get some work done. That, at least, is some straightforward data entry.
So many things
Aug. 16th, 2021 02:14 pmAlright. Well.
To start with, I had that obviously-overdue relationship talk with Tucker and we're... de-escalating is the trendy word right now but maybe disentangling some is more accurate? Long and short is that talking about thoughts and feelings and what happens during the day is something that I need a minimum of, say, ten units of and Tucker maxes out around two units of it. So when, a couple weeks ago, he said essentially "I don't know why you're telling me things that aren't a big deal and impact on the relationship" that was in fact kind of what he meant. He can tell me everything he wants to about his stuff and I'll feel like I don't know much about him; he get overwhelmed by the amount of stuff coming from me.
We like snuggling and sex and sleeping with each other and little domestic routines, though not all the time, and we'd like to retain some of that (details TBD). I like hearing about his life and will continue to, more on what the level that I consider a friendship rather than a partnership/life witness.
I'm not sure if it's possible to make big decisions with someone without a lot of knowledge of their interiority etc and without talking both logistics and feelings through in detail, so this probably maybe effectively takes a bunch of living situations off the table. It may also take regular contact off the table in the long term. Anyhow, life decisions like "where will I move?" and "how do I organize my retirement/financial arc" will maybe have some sort of conversation before events but I can't see the relationship as a major influence.
We're going to more-or-less continue how things have been as long as we're both in Fort, because support is good. After that? Who knows.
I can gather my energy and set off to seek the confidante and emotional support I've needed over the last couple years and never quite got. If I land with A&E I'll be closer to dating prospects -- this town is too small to date unconventionally in, and I am unconventional -- and can see where that goes. Distance isn't really a good way for me to get this need met. If Tucker lands with us then I can keep seeing him for domestic companionship as time and energy permit and that will be lovely.
Either way, I need to stop feeling unseen and unsupported and left out, and he needs to stop feeling like he's falling short. It's funny, he has a relationship history that incudes fairly serious noncommunication of thoughts and feelings and I can see how I was the rebound from that, just turn the dial from zero to eleven.
We still love each other, of course. It was a good talk and it feels like we're on the same page.
It hurts sometimes and aches sometimes and is gently hopeful like the barest flutter of breeze under a butterfly's wing sometimes. He's gone for two weeks to the east coast to visit another partner and do a game thing. It's a reset period.
I'm glad to have Josh right now, who after so many years really welcomes and listens to me in this specific way. If that were more embodied I'd probably be fine. He's so far away, though. I really want someone I can pull out into the yard sometimes and point excitedly at things and they'll share that excitement too, in person, not just a couple times a year.
It's a tall order, I guess, but meeting people and getting to know them can be fun in any case.
So that's the relationship.
Oh, and Josh is supposed to be driving up next week but there may be fire issues and he won't fly during covid. It'll be super disappointing if he doesn't make it up.
I think I mentioned the house-hunt with A&E is moving a little faster now. That's fun, and we're getting into a more confident communication space as we navigate through it -- what are our communication roles, how do we acknowledge each other's input, how are decisions made?
I had surgery a week ago for a lump, actually three lumps, on my side right under the ribs. The doctor put in three V-shaped stitches and told me to keep a dressing on it for the first couple days. Within the last few days it's been a little more painful and it blistered up weird, and today the stitches were to come out.
Turns out I wasn't supposed to be lifting more than 5lbs, really, for the last week and the next week. I carry a couple hundred pounds of feed etc a day, minimum. I wasn't supposed to bend and twist in ways that put weight on it. I was basically jungle-gymming through the bush a bunch on Friday. The wound is healing nicely on the outside, it's just a little incision scar, but the stitches had pulled through a little and the inside is a bit sore. I'm supposed to be in the bush tomorrow, which I guess I can cancel though it seems awfully last-minute, and when I told them there was no way I could comply with the lifting thing they said to be careful and take it easy a bunch.
I was going to get so much work in the bush done this week. Argh. We'll see what happens. I'll make the call about tomorrow later on; the summer student going with me can help with some data entry for the data she helped gather if not. That will maybe be helpful for her. We lose most of the summer students at the end of this week, which is not super great for getting everything done.
The province continues to be super on fire. We had really significant winds for maybe a day and a half and while it cooled down up here (down to 6C at night, eek!) it stayed hot down where the fires are and they just ran. It's so dangerous to fight fires in those circumstances and BC's priority is to avoid loss of life. Flat out we don't trade lives for saving property. Some folks aren't happy with that and stay behind trying to save their own properties, which puts everyone in a dangerous situation.
Folks have been double and in some cases triple evacuated now: they got evacuated, went somewhere, that place got evacuated, they went to the next place. It's especially brutal with animals. Some folks had evacuation plans but the places they planned to go were being evacuated. Some of the major highways have been shutting down on and off and honestly there aren't so many routes out of the interior. If you have any interest, BC wildfire has a webpage with a map of the fire perimeters and evacuation alerts (could be evacuated any time) and orders (must leave Right Now) and it's a sight to behold. I feel inescapably, unrelentingly lucky right now.
The fire hasn't taken over the biggest interior cities at this point and probably won't but it's nibbled at suburbs of many of them and many smaller towns have been evacuated. The air is clear up here but depending on the wind down there they get what I remember: midnight-deep smoke during daytime which turns streetlights on, cinders falling from the sky, and that brainstem unease which activates flight.
Meanwhile on the farm I was given eight cayuga ducks. They are beautiful, and I have some cayugas already, but they are unfortunately half ducks and half drakes. That is way too intense a m/f ratio for ducks. I also have three new piglets out of Black Chunk who really still needs a new name. They're good big healthy little ones, she's feeding them well. I don't see ravens around but there are a lot of crows and I'm keeping a concerned eye.
For tomatoes, Taiga and Rozovaya Bella ripened in the last few days. Something ate some of roz, luckily taiga ripens greenish so nothing noticed to take a chunk out of it. I think they're both keepers for next year.
And... that is a lot, so we'll leave it there for now. I'm several hours late for lunch.
To start with, I had that obviously-overdue relationship talk with Tucker and we're... de-escalating is the trendy word right now but maybe disentangling some is more accurate? Long and short is that talking about thoughts and feelings and what happens during the day is something that I need a minimum of, say, ten units of and Tucker maxes out around two units of it. So when, a couple weeks ago, he said essentially "I don't know why you're telling me things that aren't a big deal and impact on the relationship" that was in fact kind of what he meant. He can tell me everything he wants to about his stuff and I'll feel like I don't know much about him; he get overwhelmed by the amount of stuff coming from me.
We like snuggling and sex and sleeping with each other and little domestic routines, though not all the time, and we'd like to retain some of that (details TBD). I like hearing about his life and will continue to, more on what the level that I consider a friendship rather than a partnership/life witness.
I'm not sure if it's possible to make big decisions with someone without a lot of knowledge of their interiority etc and without talking both logistics and feelings through in detail, so this probably maybe effectively takes a bunch of living situations off the table. It may also take regular contact off the table in the long term. Anyhow, life decisions like "where will I move?" and "how do I organize my retirement/financial arc" will maybe have some sort of conversation before events but I can't see the relationship as a major influence.
We're going to more-or-less continue how things have been as long as we're both in Fort, because support is good. After that? Who knows.
I can gather my energy and set off to seek the confidante and emotional support I've needed over the last couple years and never quite got. If I land with A&E I'll be closer to dating prospects -- this town is too small to date unconventionally in, and I am unconventional -- and can see where that goes. Distance isn't really a good way for me to get this need met. If Tucker lands with us then I can keep seeing him for domestic companionship as time and energy permit and that will be lovely.
Either way, I need to stop feeling unseen and unsupported and left out, and he needs to stop feeling like he's falling short. It's funny, he has a relationship history that incudes fairly serious noncommunication of thoughts and feelings and I can see how I was the rebound from that, just turn the dial from zero to eleven.
We still love each other, of course. It was a good talk and it feels like we're on the same page.
It hurts sometimes and aches sometimes and is gently hopeful like the barest flutter of breeze under a butterfly's wing sometimes. He's gone for two weeks to the east coast to visit another partner and do a game thing. It's a reset period.
I'm glad to have Josh right now, who after so many years really welcomes and listens to me in this specific way. If that were more embodied I'd probably be fine. He's so far away, though. I really want someone I can pull out into the yard sometimes and point excitedly at things and they'll share that excitement too, in person, not just a couple times a year.
It's a tall order, I guess, but meeting people and getting to know them can be fun in any case.
So that's the relationship.
Oh, and Josh is supposed to be driving up next week but there may be fire issues and he won't fly during covid. It'll be super disappointing if he doesn't make it up.
I think I mentioned the house-hunt with A&E is moving a little faster now. That's fun, and we're getting into a more confident communication space as we navigate through it -- what are our communication roles, how do we acknowledge each other's input, how are decisions made?
I had surgery a week ago for a lump, actually three lumps, on my side right under the ribs. The doctor put in three V-shaped stitches and told me to keep a dressing on it for the first couple days. Within the last few days it's been a little more painful and it blistered up weird, and today the stitches were to come out.
Turns out I wasn't supposed to be lifting more than 5lbs, really, for the last week and the next week. I carry a couple hundred pounds of feed etc a day, minimum. I wasn't supposed to bend and twist in ways that put weight on it. I was basically jungle-gymming through the bush a bunch on Friday. The wound is healing nicely on the outside, it's just a little incision scar, but the stitches had pulled through a little and the inside is a bit sore. I'm supposed to be in the bush tomorrow, which I guess I can cancel though it seems awfully last-minute, and when I told them there was no way I could comply with the lifting thing they said to be careful and take it easy a bunch.
I was going to get so much work in the bush done this week. Argh. We'll see what happens. I'll make the call about tomorrow later on; the summer student going with me can help with some data entry for the data she helped gather if not. That will maybe be helpful for her. We lose most of the summer students at the end of this week, which is not super great for getting everything done.
The province continues to be super on fire. We had really significant winds for maybe a day and a half and while it cooled down up here (down to 6C at night, eek!) it stayed hot down where the fires are and they just ran. It's so dangerous to fight fires in those circumstances and BC's priority is to avoid loss of life. Flat out we don't trade lives for saving property. Some folks aren't happy with that and stay behind trying to save their own properties, which puts everyone in a dangerous situation.
Folks have been double and in some cases triple evacuated now: they got evacuated, went somewhere, that place got evacuated, they went to the next place. It's especially brutal with animals. Some folks had evacuation plans but the places they planned to go were being evacuated. Some of the major highways have been shutting down on and off and honestly there aren't so many routes out of the interior. If you have any interest, BC wildfire has a webpage with a map of the fire perimeters and evacuation alerts (could be evacuated any time) and orders (must leave Right Now) and it's a sight to behold. I feel inescapably, unrelentingly lucky right now.
The fire hasn't taken over the biggest interior cities at this point and probably won't but it's nibbled at suburbs of many of them and many smaller towns have been evacuated. The air is clear up here but depending on the wind down there they get what I remember: midnight-deep smoke during daytime which turns streetlights on, cinders falling from the sky, and that brainstem unease which activates flight.
Meanwhile on the farm I was given eight cayuga ducks. They are beautiful, and I have some cayugas already, but they are unfortunately half ducks and half drakes. That is way too intense a m/f ratio for ducks. I also have three new piglets out of Black Chunk who really still needs a new name. They're good big healthy little ones, she's feeding them well. I don't see ravens around but there are a lot of crows and I'm keeping a concerned eye.
For tomatoes, Taiga and Rozovaya Bella ripened in the last few days. Something ate some of roz, luckily taiga ripens greenish so nothing noticed to take a chunk out of it. I think they're both keepers for next year.
And... that is a lot, so we'll leave it there for now. I'm several hours late for lunch.
Relationships and plants
Apr. 30th, 2021 08:21 amToday I can hopefully take the tiller in to get it looked at. Josh says it's probably the carburetor.
In the meantime my plan is to plant spinach and grain, and maybe pick up a bale of straw for the pigs tonight.
Planting continues: I got the rest of the melon seeds into pots yesterday, and hopefully by the end of today I'll have the squash done.
Josh is doing the expected trajectory with the new relationship. We usually talk once a week and he's like, "no change" but then it turns out in the ensuing conversation that they're gone from one weekend a month to seeing each other a couple times a week, or the "maybe we'll see how this goes" has changed into "this is definitely a permanent relationship" or whatever. You know, the exponential growth that is NRE.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of thinking about it.
In actual fact I'm pretty tired of dealing with relationship stuff at all right now. I want to be outside fixing fences and putting things in the ground.
It occurred to me that the folks I relationship with tend to go on trips for a couple weeks a couple times a year where they're largely-to-completely unavailable for contact. I don't tend to travel, but there's... actually no reason I can't deliberately block time off away from contact even if I'm not travelling. I mean, I tend to fade out a bunch at this time of year anyhow but I can be more deliberate about it if I want.
Once the boundaries door is wedged open it seems to just keep creeping further and further open. I hadn't realized how many things I was doing to make the people around me comfortable, or how many things I was not saying and not doing. I can hold up my poly lens and say, I tended to be punished for doing relationships in an atypical way so I tried to be as typical as I could be, allowing what I absolutely could not avoid and shoving down my discomfort about anything where I could pretend to the standard narrative. Interestingly, I can hold up the autism lens and say the exact same thing.
My highschool friend -- the one who was close friends with me for years and years and then never responded to a single word after he got into a longterm relationship, such that I only learned he was 1) in a relationship 2) married and 3) had kids from mutual friends -- said that I only ever talked about relationships and plants, but that I made it interesting.
This week, or this month, I guess I want a break from talking about relationships.
Maybe living somewhere with non-gardening winter really is bad for me. I'd really missed immersing myself in my garden.
In the meantime my plan is to plant spinach and grain, and maybe pick up a bale of straw for the pigs tonight.
Planting continues: I got the rest of the melon seeds into pots yesterday, and hopefully by the end of today I'll have the squash done.
Josh is doing the expected trajectory with the new relationship. We usually talk once a week and he's like, "no change" but then it turns out in the ensuing conversation that they're gone from one weekend a month to seeing each other a couple times a week, or the "maybe we'll see how this goes" has changed into "this is definitely a permanent relationship" or whatever. You know, the exponential growth that is NRE.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of thinking about it.
In actual fact I'm pretty tired of dealing with relationship stuff at all right now. I want to be outside fixing fences and putting things in the ground.
It occurred to me that the folks I relationship with tend to go on trips for a couple weeks a couple times a year where they're largely-to-completely unavailable for contact. I don't tend to travel, but there's... actually no reason I can't deliberately block time off away from contact even if I'm not travelling. I mean, I tend to fade out a bunch at this time of year anyhow but I can be more deliberate about it if I want.
Once the boundaries door is wedged open it seems to just keep creeping further and further open. I hadn't realized how many things I was doing to make the people around me comfortable, or how many things I was not saying and not doing. I can hold up my poly lens and say, I tended to be punished for doing relationships in an atypical way so I tried to be as typical as I could be, allowing what I absolutely could not avoid and shoving down my discomfort about anything where I could pretend to the standard narrative. Interestingly, I can hold up the autism lens and say the exact same thing.
My highschool friend -- the one who was close friends with me for years and years and then never responded to a single word after he got into a longterm relationship, such that I only learned he was 1) in a relationship 2) married and 3) had kids from mutual friends -- said that I only ever talked about relationships and plants, but that I made it interesting.
This week, or this month, I guess I want a break from talking about relationships.
Maybe living somewhere with non-gardening winter really is bad for me. I'd really missed immersing myself in my garden.
Tags:
Relationships and plants
Apr. 30th, 2021 08:21 amToday I can hopefully take the tiller in to get it looked at. Josh says it's probably the carburetor.
In the meantime my plan is to plant spinach and grain, and maybe pick up a bale of straw for the pigs tonight.
Planting continues: I got the rest of the melon seeds into pots yesterday, and hopefully by the end of today I'll have the squash done.
Josh is doing the expected trajectory with the new relationship. We usually talk once a week and he's like, "no change" but then it turns out in the ensuing conversation that they're gone from one weekend a month to seeing each other a couple times a week, or the "maybe we'll see how this goes" has changed into "this is definitely a permanent relationship" or whatever. You know, the exponential growth that is NRE.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of thinking about it.
In actual fact I'm pretty tired of dealing with relationship stuff at all right now. I want to be outside fixing fences and putting things in the ground.
It occurred to me that the folks I relationship with tend to go on trips for a couple weeks a couple times a year where they're largely-to-completely unavailable for contact. I don't tend to travel, but there's... actually no reason I can't deliberately block time off away from contact even if I'm not travelling. I mean, I tend to fade out a bunch at this time of year anyhow but I can be more deliberate about it if I want.
Once the boundaries door is wedged open it seems to just keep creeping further and further open. I hadn't realized how many things I was doing to make the people around me comfortable, or how many things I was not saying and not doing. I can hold up my poly lens and say, I tended to be punished for doing relationships in an atypical way so I tried to be as typical as I could be, allowing what I absolutely could not avoid and shoving down my discomfort about anything where I could pretend to the standard narrative. Interestingly, I can hold up the autism lens and say the exact same thing.
My highschool friend -- the one who was close friends with me for years and years and then never responded to a single word after he got into a longterm relationship, such that I only learned he was 1) in a relationship 2) married and 3) had kids from mutual friends -- said that I only ever talked about relationships and plants, but that I made it interesting.
This week, or this month, I guess I want a break from talking about relationships.
Maybe living somewhere with non-gardening winter really is bad for me. I'd really missed immersing myself in my garden.
In the meantime my plan is to plant spinach and grain, and maybe pick up a bale of straw for the pigs tonight.
Planting continues: I got the rest of the melon seeds into pots yesterday, and hopefully by the end of today I'll have the squash done.
Josh is doing the expected trajectory with the new relationship. We usually talk once a week and he's like, "no change" but then it turns out in the ensuing conversation that they're gone from one weekend a month to seeing each other a couple times a week, or the "maybe we'll see how this goes" has changed into "this is definitely a permanent relationship" or whatever. You know, the exponential growth that is NRE.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of thinking about it.
In actual fact I'm pretty tired of dealing with relationship stuff at all right now. I want to be outside fixing fences and putting things in the ground.
It occurred to me that the folks I relationship with tend to go on trips for a couple weeks a couple times a year where they're largely-to-completely unavailable for contact. I don't tend to travel, but there's... actually no reason I can't deliberately block time off away from contact even if I'm not travelling. I mean, I tend to fade out a bunch at this time of year anyhow but I can be more deliberate about it if I want.
Once the boundaries door is wedged open it seems to just keep creeping further and further open. I hadn't realized how many things I was doing to make the people around me comfortable, or how many things I was not saying and not doing. I can hold up my poly lens and say, I tended to be punished for doing relationships in an atypical way so I tried to be as typical as I could be, allowing what I absolutely could not avoid and shoving down my discomfort about anything where I could pretend to the standard narrative. Interestingly, I can hold up the autism lens and say the exact same thing.
My highschool friend -- the one who was close friends with me for years and years and then never responded to a single word after he got into a longterm relationship, such that I only learned he was 1) in a relationship 2) married and 3) had kids from mutual friends -- said that I only ever talked about relationships and plants, but that I made it interesting.
This week, or this month, I guess I want a break from talking about relationships.
Maybe living somewhere with non-gardening winter really is bad for me. I'd really missed immersing myself in my garden.
Tags:
Counseling win #582856284636598686472718
Apr. 7th, 2021 09:15 amTalking about The Problematic Double Metamour Issue with my counselor, and she said: how will you feel in this situation you're anticipating? And I said: angry, resentful, violated.
Later she said: you could talk to your partners about this beforehand, you don't have to wait till it comes up. That might help you feel more supported when the event happens.
Actually pretty funny, that I'd need to be told to tell my partners how I feel. But, I did need to hear it. Because I've been told so many times that if I have any issues relating to a partner having other partners, if I have any negative feelings or thoughts about that, if I share them I don't deserve to be told about those metamours or about the happier moments in those relationships or anything like that. That I deserve to be in a dadt relationship rather than an openly poly one.
So, when I feel this way I don't access support from my partners, I don't feel seen, but I still try to provide support to my partners. Thus, resentful. Taken advantage of. Unseen plus hurt plus giving, that's a feeling of violation.
My anger tries to push my boundaries back to a safe or comfortable place.
In this case anger can just be used as the energy to tell my partner how I'm feeling, and to ask for what I need: to reach out for that connection past the legacy of being told it's not ok to share this part of myself.
If the partner rejects this part of myself, I can deal with that situation when it comes to it. I don't need to hide myself in order to be an easier poly 101 experience. I can practice focusing on communicating my own feelings and frame them as such, and if that's read as an attack/feeds into someone's poly guilt I'm with people I trust to work through that with me.
Later she said: you could talk to your partners about this beforehand, you don't have to wait till it comes up. That might help you feel more supported when the event happens.
Actually pretty funny, that I'd need to be told to tell my partners how I feel. But, I did need to hear it. Because I've been told so many times that if I have any issues relating to a partner having other partners, if I have any negative feelings or thoughts about that, if I share them I don't deserve to be told about those metamours or about the happier moments in those relationships or anything like that. That I deserve to be in a dadt relationship rather than an openly poly one.
So, when I feel this way I don't access support from my partners, I don't feel seen, but I still try to provide support to my partners. Thus, resentful. Taken advantage of. Unseen plus hurt plus giving, that's a feeling of violation.
My anger tries to push my boundaries back to a safe or comfortable place.
In this case anger can just be used as the energy to tell my partner how I'm feeling, and to ask for what I need: to reach out for that connection past the legacy of being told it's not ok to share this part of myself.
If the partner rejects this part of myself, I can deal with that situation when it comes to it. I don't need to hide myself in order to be an easier poly 101 experience. I can practice focusing on communicating my own feelings and frame them as such, and if that's read as an attack/feeds into someone's poly guilt I'm with people I trust to work through that with me.
