(no subject)

[greenstorm]

I'm tired and my heart hurts. I need to spend time with some poly folks; the last week has convinced me that I probably love in colours that the eyes of folks around here can't even perceive. I feel invisible and my moral sense is a little offended. I guess maybe this is the first time I've watched default-monogamous (rather than deliberate-monogamous) folks sort their stuff out. I hadn't realized just how far I stood from that space.

I've been told that I'm very intentional about my relationships and I guess I am. I find the gift of connection to incur a responsibility to do some groundwork, to figure out which compatibilities exist, and then to build some sustainability into that system. To my mind it's at best cruel or a waste not to be a little mindful about it, to work to avoid anything easily avoidable.

I don't know. I was going to go on, something something Judeo-Christian denial of pleasure is supposed to be the sign of true love something property something ownership something control over other people's bodies something something but I don't have it in me. Maybe I need to call Tillie or Angus or someone from way back so I can just cry a little and year them say "yeah" and not have to explain anything.

In the meantime it's hot and sunny and I'm doing my garden and that's not so bad, is it? Corn and squash and beans and tomatoes and soup peas and potatoes and some extremely experimental melons all going in within the next couple days. The tiller is great. I love playing in the dirt and I'll love watching these experiments grow.

Comments

[chemicalcain]

we haven't spoken before but I hope things are getting easier for you 💚 i'm new to poly, and doing my best to be intentional about it, communicating thoroughly with both my partners etc. it's unfamiliar territory still, but i already know what you mean about default-monogamous folks being extremely distant in the way they conceive their relationships. it's hard to bridge the gap

[greenstorm]

Hey there, glad to meet you. In some ways I think poly drove me to handle my emotions totally differently within a relationship; they're information, and I can choose to use that information along with other information to make decisions. Otherwise the option seems to be having an emotion require a specific action, like love and getting married, or jealousy and not doing a thing anymore.

Anyhow, I hope your poly path is a peaceful and rewarding one.

How did you come across my journal?

[chemicalcain]

i think i was scrolling through the "latest things" page, and one of your poetry posts caught my attention. the line "listen, my wary one, it's far too late to unlove each other" tugged at something, i think.

it also seems we share an interest in plant identification and permaculture, though i haven't talked about that much on my own journal yet! my skills are very much at a novice level, but i'm learning more all the time. it's been interesting to read about you starting this year's garden.

[greenstorm]

Oh hey, I'm a "latest thing", neat.

Gardening really is the best, and the garden is such a good teacher.

I migrated over here from lj some time ago and I've never really settled into a good way to find folks here, is why I asked. :)

[chemicalcain]

i'm still trying to get used to dreamwidth myself. i first started using the site in 2019, and never really figured out how to make friends here. sometimes i click through to random journals just to see what's happening! the "latest things" page shows the latest public posts from anyone across the site, so it's a decent way to find active blogs, at least.

[yarrowkat]

I probably love in colours that the eyes of folks around here can't even perceive.

an apt analogy, like a bird seeing well into the ultraviolet and responding to things a human cannot sense, or bees looking for pollen

today a friend said, "given how much Sunflower River is going through and processing right now, it's a good thing you're all poly" and it cracked me up - i kind of take that for granted; it has become the air i breathe in a way that i realize is extremely supportive of my full self. and we do process a lot and are presently processing a lot and if we weren't all poly before we started, we probably wouldn't have made it 15 years.

[greenstorm]

I am both so glad for you and envious. And to be honest, probably a successful run at poly is a good green flag for any living partners for me. A less-successful run at it is a good orange flag.

[yarrowkat]

yes, i think those flags could be useful for that. and don't get me wrong, we struggle like hell sometimes here, too. and we do always manage to talk it out, at least so far.

[greenstorm]

Something I've been missing lately is struggling with folks who are equally committed and equally struggling. I mean, it doesn't feel great to be in that position exactly but it builds trust and a history.

I think I'm getting reluctant to struggle much at all lately because the other party doesn't stick around so it's sort of wasted effort. And tbh I'm good in those sort of very difficult situations and I miss that sense of coming through things together. Well, not having done it in awhile I do.

[yarrowkat]

that's true, and it has this continuity to it that feels very stable, even when the interpersonal dynamic is heavy and difficult. unpleasant to be in in the moment, but it does develop trust over time.

[greenstorm]

I work through heavy stuff so much better if I know that a misstep won't cause the whole thing to dissolve. I'm also more able to be generous. I can imagine it sometimes feels claustrophobic though.

[yarrowkat]

absolute yes on that; i think that is a very human thing, to be more capable of resilience and generosity and forgiveness when you know the whole thing won't crumble under you just because it's hard.

and it can feel very stifling, yes. i swing between feeling like i am living the best life i can possibly live, and feeling pretty trapped by the endless to-do list and the constant obligation to interact with people. that's even without heavy things going on; heavy things nearly always trigger my desire to flee. i have successfully resisted so far. but i've never really had something potentially great to feel towards, either. which is a real factor there.

[greenstorm]

I wonder if I'm developing a relationship like this with my town, and with Threshold being here. I suspect it'll help me a lot to think of it in these terms actually.

[yarrowkat]

that's a lovely way to think about it!