(no subject)

[greenstorm]

I'm tired and my heart hurts. I need to spend time with some poly folks; the last week has convinced me that I probably love in colours that the eyes of folks around here can't even perceive. I feel invisible and my moral sense is a little offended. I guess maybe this is the first time I've watched default-monogamous (rather than deliberate-monogamous) folks sort their stuff out. I hadn't realized just how far I stood from that space.

I've been told that I'm very intentional about my relationships and I guess I am. I find the gift of connection to incur a responsibility to do some groundwork, to figure out which compatibilities exist, and then to build some sustainability into that system. To my mind it's at best cruel or a waste not to be a little mindful about it, to work to avoid anything easily avoidable.

I don't know. I was going to go on, something something Judeo-Christian denial of pleasure is supposed to be the sign of true love something property something ownership something control over other people's bodies something something but I don't have it in me. Maybe I need to call Tillie or Angus or someone from way back so I can just cry a little and year them say "yeah" and not have to explain anything.

In the meantime it's hot and sunny and I'm doing my garden and that's not so bad, is it? Corn and squash and beans and tomatoes and soup peas and potatoes and some extremely experimental melons all going in within the next couple days. The tiller is great. I love playing in the dirt and I'll love watching these experiments grow.

Comments

[greenstorm]

Something I've been missing lately is struggling with folks who are equally committed and equally struggling. I mean, it doesn't feel great to be in that position exactly but it builds trust and a history.

I think I'm getting reluctant to struggle much at all lately because the other party doesn't stick around so it's sort of wasted effort. And tbh I'm good in those sort of very difficult situations and I miss that sense of coming through things together. Well, not having done it in awhile I do.

[yarrowkat]

that's true, and it has this continuity to it that feels very stable, even when the interpersonal dynamic is heavy and difficult. unpleasant to be in in the moment, but it does develop trust over time.

[greenstorm]

I work through heavy stuff so much better if I know that a misstep won't cause the whole thing to dissolve. I'm also more able to be generous. I can imagine it sometimes feels claustrophobic though.

[yarrowkat]

absolute yes on that; i think that is a very human thing, to be more capable of resilience and generosity and forgiveness when you know the whole thing won't crumble under you just because it's hard.

and it can feel very stifling, yes. i swing between feeling like i am living the best life i can possibly live, and feeling pretty trapped by the endless to-do list and the constant obligation to interact with people. that's even without heavy things going on; heavy things nearly always trigger my desire to flee. i have successfully resisted so far. but i've never really had something potentially great to feel towards, either. which is a real factor there.

[greenstorm]

I wonder if I'm developing a relationship like this with my town, and with Threshold being here. I suspect it'll help me a lot to think of it in these terms actually.

[yarrowkat]

that's a lovely way to think about it!