Space and Time
Jun. 30th, 2022 02:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI've been seeing what my relationships look like with less hard work put in on my part. I normally live immersed in time: I have a sense for what will happen in the future based on what has happened in the past, I have a sense of what any changes will do to everything that's contingent on my schedule. I often provide that scheduling to my partners as, I guess, a service or a skill. If they book up three weekends in a month with other stuff I'll say, hey, looks like you're going to be pretty busy this month, shall we set aside some time (before you schedule that last weekend with something else) or if they accrete activities for a strong of four or five or six days I'll arrange to be free on the sixth or seventh day after they no longer have things planned. I accommodate schedules, and whenever I schedule something for myself I think about other folks' interweave of schedules. If I want to do something but it's the only day a partner will be free in between their other things, maybe I won't schedule it.
And I want to be very clear, I'm not foregoing other activities because I've planned stuff in my relationships. It's because the folks I've relationshipped with tend to plan themselves very full and I suspect that if I don't make myself convenient then they will not make time for me. It's also because when I have a connection with someone, if it's not well-managed it tends to spill into bad timing. For instance, if I don't make regular time to talk with someone, then next time we talk if we don't plan a good long chat it'll probably go over time and impact whatever is supposed to be happening next.
I've stopped doing a lot of that in the last few weeks. As what I used to call partnerships attenuate into friendships or more casual relationships, as I get shorter and shorter notice about what my people are doing because they're either acting more spontaneously or are less interested in keeping me up to date, I just-- don't factor their availability into my planning. I know they don't factor mine in on specific dates, and I'm not sure they do at all. But I don't need to justify it, honestly. I just don't feel like doing that work, we haven't had conversations about when to structure seeing each other, so I'm free to set down being the planner and the future lookout.
Immediately we've stopped having as much time to talk to each other. I'm watching to see if it course-corrects or not; if maybe they'll shift their availability, initiate a conversation, anything like that. I'll match effort in kind but, just as they are, I need to prioritize my life here in this place.
This feels like a pretty hard-edged thing to say or do, but really I guess it's transitioning these relationships from part of my regular schedule to lovely things that happen sometimes. It needed to happen sooner or later; I've had a bunch of conversations with both Josh and Tucker about time commitments over the years and there will likely be more as the relationships flex and shape themselves to our ever-changing lives. For me it takes a lot of courage to step back a little and let things take their course.
And I guess, right now, I'm feeling courageous.
And I want to be very clear, I'm not foregoing other activities because I've planned stuff in my relationships. It's because the folks I've relationshipped with tend to plan themselves very full and I suspect that if I don't make myself convenient then they will not make time for me. It's also because when I have a connection with someone, if it's not well-managed it tends to spill into bad timing. For instance, if I don't make regular time to talk with someone, then next time we talk if we don't plan a good long chat it'll probably go over time and impact whatever is supposed to be happening next.
I've stopped doing a lot of that in the last few weeks. As what I used to call partnerships attenuate into friendships or more casual relationships, as I get shorter and shorter notice about what my people are doing because they're either acting more spontaneously or are less interested in keeping me up to date, I just-- don't factor their availability into my planning. I know they don't factor mine in on specific dates, and I'm not sure they do at all. But I don't need to justify it, honestly. I just don't feel like doing that work, we haven't had conversations about when to structure seeing each other, so I'm free to set down being the planner and the future lookout.
Immediately we've stopped having as much time to talk to each other. I'm watching to see if it course-corrects or not; if maybe they'll shift their availability, initiate a conversation, anything like that. I'll match effort in kind but, just as they are, I need to prioritize my life here in this place.
This feels like a pretty hard-edged thing to say or do, but really I guess it's transitioning these relationships from part of my regular schedule to lovely things that happen sometimes. It needed to happen sooner or later; I've had a bunch of conversations with both Josh and Tucker about time commitments over the years and there will likely be more as the relationships flex and shape themselves to our ever-changing lives. For me it takes a lot of courage to step back a little and let things take their course.
And I guess, right now, I'm feeling courageous.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-06 10:29 pm (UTC)bending over backwards to be available to people is real work. (i know it is, i do it too). it is okay - and more than okay, it is right - to prioritize yourself. <3