The Daily Breakup

[greenstorm]

Ok. Self-reflection. Map my thoughts.

I've been viewing myself as falling apart, as a jealous person who can't handle this. In reality I wasn't getting what I wanted, especially when he was with his other folks. I wanted him to be the person I talked through my evacuation feelings or getting laid off or being cheated on when it happened; he wanted to finish his dates and get home first if necessary but didn't really want to be the person I talked to about it at all.

Of course I felt like they were competition, like they were taking something from me when he was with them. In person I was able to make myself believe that his tolerance was just listening and a desire to be there poorly communicated and muffled by the need to make it go away. When he had other people around it was much clearer that he didn't want to devote the priority to listening in that way.

The things I felt were true. That kind of connection didn't persist when he was with other people because I was kind of manufacturing it in my own head.

That's why it went so differently with Josh, when he started up his new relationship with even more time committed. His values around the place of first-emotional-responder, of talking through feelings, informed his actions. He was committed to doing that and it felt good to him to do, it felt like a connection and not like somewhere he was falling short or a duty he had to perform. So he showed up for those things. It breathed through his actions in so many ways. It still does. And so even though I was worried about his new relationship I've settled into it and although I can't see the future I trust him to keep making this kind of space for me -- because he has continued to do so. When I have feedback he listens and can course-correct to a place that will keep us within this connection.

So yes. It makes sense that it became harder after the first and second time Tucker started new relationships. The things I asked for were directly opposed to what he wanted. He did not want space to continue an emotional discussion type connection while he was away.

The only thing wrong with me was that I convinced myself this was something wrong with me, that somehow without having assured myself verbally or through actions that he was on the same page I could still make myself believe he was.

And the thing is, that daily contact I've had with him has been... for me it's the foundation for that other kind of emotional intimacy. The point of daily connections is to enable the emotional sharing and the discussion of daily events; it's to catch those things as they go by. Specifically saying goodnight every night? That's to cap the day. It doesn't exist in isolation for its own sake. I use that to build the trust I need and to make space for the bigger talks.

It feels reassuring because I read it as willingness to talk when something big happens, but it's not. It serves a different purpose for him. No wonder I was having trouble getting to sleep. I was expecting a moment of that kind of connection at night and not quite getting it, not quite ready to settle until the missing thing showed up.

I need to open up that space for its real purpose, for discussion with someone who can let it become bigger when it needs to. That's going to be hard because of the surface reassurance, but I can already feel how hollow it rings.

Normally when there's a breakup or a big relationship change I need a bunch of space from it. I need to dismantle current structures before I can rebuild, otherwise everything leans on the old structure and then collapses when, someday in the future, the old structure finally whimpers down into gravity. Usually that looks like six months to two years of not talking.

But the deck said no motion, just inward consideration, at least at first. So. No motion. I see myself. I am. I exist. I'm ok how I am. I can need and want things. I needn't be constrained by what has been trapping me.

Phew. This is not going to be easy.

Comments

[yarrowkat]

yes, 100% yes all of this. i have been through everything you describe here, am going through some of it right now. you want it to be good so you change your head to make it good, that somewhat fills a need, but something else breaks because externally, it's not what you are trying to make it be. even if they intentionally or unintentionally do/say things to let you believe what you want.

i love those little text nibbles with another person through the day - "this happened, i'm thinking about this thing, how are you doing, here's a flower i saw." just little touchstones that build intimacy and space and safety. good morning/ good night, a space to say "i love you" and be heard and understood and reciprocated. and then when something emotionally significant arises, to be able to safely discuss it. that space is vital.

this is such a significant recognition though. you know what happened. that might shine light on how to have it not happen again.

thank goodness for Josh. he sounds so stable and *good*.

[greenstorm]

Yes, I'm honestly soothed by not being so alone in this space, though of course it would have been nice for this not to happen to you.

I think this is a case where we've both been bending over backwards to make it go until our spines snap.

That space is it, exactly. An ephemeral thread of thought and connection that can wax and wane but functions almost like a whisker or an antenna to create awareness, to catch any currents or ripples. And then, yes, to be able to pursue those ripples: "you've been quiet lately, is everything ok?" "I know that reminds you of your sister, do you need an extra hug tonight?" and through into bigger talking if needed. To give and be given space, rather than to take it.

Hopefully I see it and continue to see it. It's not my usual pattern so that's something at least.

Thank goodness for Josh. He and I went through something similar to this process. We did a trial run of living together, as a trial, and it was disastrous. Had to derail the train and tear out all the tracks heading in that direction, figure out what to base the relationship on going forward, and here we are. I value anyone who goes through that process with me; it helps settle my bones with its whispers of longevity and weathering future change. I am glad to have him.

[yarrowkat]

A WHISKER! that is PERFECT. it's an aid to proprioception. invisible information. terra and i chat off and on all day, most days, just little things. nonsense, bits of things that happened, "i'm going to the store do you want anything," memes, whatever. and then we each have a sense of how the other one is existing today in the world, energetically. and exactly that, when the whisker says "this is amiss," we follow up. it's highly mutual, we both do it, we both love it.

i am very grateful for Terra.

yay for being able to successfully change direction with Josh! that is honestly fantastic - to have that disaster experience and yet fully recover from it and do something that works instead! i fully hear how that is settling to the body and mind.

Jesse texted today, hadn't heard from him since Monday (and i stopped initiating conversations because it was getting really frustrating). so that's not terrible, though also not great. we're going to get on the phone tonight and i will try to communicate where i'm at and get a better read on what is going on for him.

[greenstorm]

Yes. Exactly. With Tucker we have the flow back and forth but not the follow-up and so it feels safe until something is amiss, and then it feels like being dropped.

That sounds like an intimate, rewarding, and supportive dynamic and I'm so glad you have it.

Josh and I have had to change directions a couple times, and I think anyone who's with me has to. I'm just... variable. It didn't feel like disaster because we were both going into it as a trial, and we were thoughtful about it and could talk about it. But, it did feel like a disaster because it's hard for me to envision or trust something I haven't seen happen somewhere in the world and there are no good poly models. It all has to be invented from scratch one molecule at a time, and the normative relationship escalator needs to be demolished. So hard.

I hope your communication is going well. I imagine that either way knowing will be easier than waiting.

[yarrowkat]

i'll write about it this week. i think we are breaking things off, but that's very preferable to lingering in this uncertain limbo, for me. we had a really good conversation, i felt heard, i think he feels heard - he certainly was able to express what's going on for him more articulately, and i asked good questions and managed to maintain a curiousity approach rather than a blamey approach, which always helps. he committed to getting on the phone with me again this coming Thursday, and to having clarity at that time about whether he thinks he'll turn himself around soon, or whether we should just stop this nonsense while he takes the next six months to figure it out. disappointing but for me, preferable to never knowing wtf is happening, by a mile.

[greenstorm]

That curiosity is so important. I think it's the only way to comfortably survive proximity with other humans.

Thursday, that's tomorrow. Fingers crossed for an unexpected best outcome that we haven't considered yet.

[yarrowkat]

thank you! here's hoping.

[greenstorm]

I wonder if the folks who are more sensitive/more able to perceive and interpret those little nibbles tend to do more work in relationship? Or even how much of it is innate and how much of it is "you look like a girl, this is your job" and gets beaten into folks?

[yarrowkat]

oh, that's a really interesting thought. one of my responses to the Jesse situation has definitely been to throw my hands in the air and say "men!" in that tone of voice, you know the one. :) and then get back to work. but it does feel potentially gendered.

[greenstorm]

I know the one.

There's such tension between understanding someone's socialization and having space and empathy for that, and lowering the bar for folks and taking on the extra work. What do we even do with these two overlapping realities?