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greenstormTalked with Tucker most of the weekend about relationship stuff. Seems like his trip broke a depression, or something. The talks are ongoing but have been really good. I feel like I'm talking with a person again in so many ways.
I took a break from talking with Tucker to talk with Kelsey and that was really lovely. The real North is rough and she's in a profession supposed to help the most disadvantaged people up there so she's having a rough time, as is everyone around her I think. On the other hand she's just really good to talk to. I briefly explained the Tucker situation to her and she asked "what's the best case scenario" which is what I needed to be asked.
I had today off work too, an extra long weekend for me, so I was able to spend the day doing farm stuff and re-centering from the weekend's talks. I combed through my tomato trial and picked and labelled ripe fruits (and trimmed back some extra growth, I'm probably still missing some fruits though), picked the gaspe corn (ripe enough to dry indoors where it won't get eaten), picked a bunch of pickling cukes, and finally finished butchering the last few primals from the kill two weeks ago since they finally thawed enough to work on today.
Right now both crockpots are rendering down soap lard, my soap pan is full of lard waiting to be turned into more soap, the pressure cooker is cooling down with dog food in it, the stockpot is simmering some tonkotsu broth, the canner is cooling down full of carnitas, my freezer is chilling down thickish pork belly slices to be eaten with ssamjang, and there's thin-sliced meat waiting for jerky marinade in the fridge. Oregano is currently in the dehydrator. My chimney is supposed to be replaced next weekend and today, at least, I'm not feeling the lack of heat.
My house feels alive.
I've moved back up out of the basement to the loft room. I get more light in the mornings up there for the next little while, before there's no more morning light. It's warmer up there and the bed is better, though it's much louder. I can't ignore the dogs barking much at all.
Two mornings ago Thea was barking seriously for a long time so I stuck my head out, didn't see anything, went downstairs and put on my boots, stepped out the door, and saw the fattest black bear you can imagine down by the chicken coop. I popped back inside and got the gun and went back outside; Avallu had stirred himself because I was out, and he and Thea chased the bear back over the fence. So there I am standing in giant insulated gumboots and underwear, holding a gun, clomping around in the back of the house to make sure everything was ok. Pretty funny, honestly. I didn't see the bear again this morning and it doesn't seem to have hurt anything or got into any feed, which is good. That was a very, very fat bear and he would not have fit in my freezer, nor would I have had the energy to process him properly.
Tucker and I watched the Brothers Bloom and I thought about mononormativity being strong enough that it needs to get rid of even siblings, not just other romantic relationships. I thought about how personal development happens outside longstanding relationships, you can't maintain a longstanding relationship in those stories and still do personal growth. I thought about how when someone needs to do personal growth they find a girl who has the qualities they need and then date her until the qualities rub off. Then the narrative discards the girl, she probably didn't have interiority or an arc of her own anyhow.
I thought about someone knowing me enough to know what I want.
I'm turning over and over what I want from a relationship, what I need from it, what isn't good for me and what is. I'm turning over and over what I need to trust and what I don't, and what it looks like to trust Tucker to be himself and where that self fits best in position to me.
I will say that I've been doing distance relationships for a long time, since Jan in Germany in my early twenties, and nearly two decades later I may be better at them but I have plenty of them. Distance is for talky relationships.
I feel the need to come at what I need from a values perspective. What does that look like?
Personal growth will and should continue over time, and people will change over time
Each person has responsibility to get their own needs met, through self-advocacy within and external to the relationship
Everyone wants to and does support each other in their personal goals/being their best self
Each person in relationship has goodwill towards, compassion towards, and desire to help the other but may not always be able to do so without harm/negative impacts to themselves and that's ok
Relationships help us meet our needs through enduring contact with other people
A relationship agreement helps meet the need for predictability, but can't force the world to always be predictable. Still, predictability is a goal as far as is feasible
Relationships require work and growth just like people, but shouldn't consume more work than other aspects of life; it should be proportionate
Not all needs from human contact of any sort can or should be met within any single relationship (?this doesn't say exactly what I want it to say)
A longtime, enduring relationship needs to change to accommodate the people involved as they and their needs change
A longtime enduring relationship has value because it allows deep knowledge of each other and development of shared tools to maintain understanding and connection
Sadness, anger, and other negatively-coded emotions will occur within a relationship and that is expected and normal, it's not someone's fault
A purpose of a relationship is some kind of mutual pleasure, be it intellectual, physical, emotional, whatever. It should be the majority sense of the relationship from all participants
Everyone needs to be able to assume good intentions on the part of all parties
All relationships are a work in progress; mistakes will always be made and should be learned from. Progress is a shared goal and in this pretty awful mononormative world it's a triumph
I took a break from talking with Tucker to talk with Kelsey and that was really lovely. The real North is rough and she's in a profession supposed to help the most disadvantaged people up there so she's having a rough time, as is everyone around her I think. On the other hand she's just really good to talk to. I briefly explained the Tucker situation to her and she asked "what's the best case scenario" which is what I needed to be asked.
I had today off work too, an extra long weekend for me, so I was able to spend the day doing farm stuff and re-centering from the weekend's talks. I combed through my tomato trial and picked and labelled ripe fruits (and trimmed back some extra growth, I'm probably still missing some fruits though), picked the gaspe corn (ripe enough to dry indoors where it won't get eaten), picked a bunch of pickling cukes, and finally finished butchering the last few primals from the kill two weeks ago since they finally thawed enough to work on today.
Right now both crockpots are rendering down soap lard, my soap pan is full of lard waiting to be turned into more soap, the pressure cooker is cooling down with dog food in it, the stockpot is simmering some tonkotsu broth, the canner is cooling down full of carnitas, my freezer is chilling down thickish pork belly slices to be eaten with ssamjang, and there's thin-sliced meat waiting for jerky marinade in the fridge. Oregano is currently in the dehydrator. My chimney is supposed to be replaced next weekend and today, at least, I'm not feeling the lack of heat.
My house feels alive.
I've moved back up out of the basement to the loft room. I get more light in the mornings up there for the next little while, before there's no more morning light. It's warmer up there and the bed is better, though it's much louder. I can't ignore the dogs barking much at all.
Two mornings ago Thea was barking seriously for a long time so I stuck my head out, didn't see anything, went downstairs and put on my boots, stepped out the door, and saw the fattest black bear you can imagine down by the chicken coop. I popped back inside and got the gun and went back outside; Avallu had stirred himself because I was out, and he and Thea chased the bear back over the fence. So there I am standing in giant insulated gumboots and underwear, holding a gun, clomping around in the back of the house to make sure everything was ok. Pretty funny, honestly. I didn't see the bear again this morning and it doesn't seem to have hurt anything or got into any feed, which is good. That was a very, very fat bear and he would not have fit in my freezer, nor would I have had the energy to process him properly.
Tucker and I watched the Brothers Bloom and I thought about mononormativity being strong enough that it needs to get rid of even siblings, not just other romantic relationships. I thought about how personal development happens outside longstanding relationships, you can't maintain a longstanding relationship in those stories and still do personal growth. I thought about how when someone needs to do personal growth they find a girl who has the qualities they need and then date her until the qualities rub off. Then the narrative discards the girl, she probably didn't have interiority or an arc of her own anyhow.
I thought about someone knowing me enough to know what I want.
I'm turning over and over what I want from a relationship, what I need from it, what isn't good for me and what is. I'm turning over and over what I need to trust and what I don't, and what it looks like to trust Tucker to be himself and where that self fits best in position to me.
I will say that I've been doing distance relationships for a long time, since Jan in Germany in my early twenties, and nearly two decades later I may be better at them but I have plenty of them. Distance is for talky relationships.
I feel the need to come at what I need from a values perspective. What does that look like?
Personal growth will and should continue over time, and people will change over time
Each person has responsibility to get their own needs met, through self-advocacy within and external to the relationship
Everyone wants to and does support each other in their personal goals/being their best self
Each person in relationship has goodwill towards, compassion towards, and desire to help the other but may not always be able to do so without harm/negative impacts to themselves and that's ok
Relationships help us meet our needs through enduring contact with other people
A relationship agreement helps meet the need for predictability, but can't force the world to always be predictable. Still, predictability is a goal as far as is feasible
Relationships require work and growth just like people, but shouldn't consume more work than other aspects of life; it should be proportionate
Not all needs from human contact of any sort can or should be met within any single relationship (?this doesn't say exactly what I want it to say)
A longtime, enduring relationship needs to change to accommodate the people involved as they and their needs change
A longtime enduring relationship has value because it allows deep knowledge of each other and development of shared tools to maintain understanding and connection
Sadness, anger, and other negatively-coded emotions will occur within a relationship and that is expected and normal, it's not someone's fault
A purpose of a relationship is some kind of mutual pleasure, be it intellectual, physical, emotional, whatever. It should be the majority sense of the relationship from all participants
Everyone needs to be able to assume good intentions on the part of all parties
All relationships are a work in progress; mistakes will always be made and should be learned from. Progress is a shared goal and in this pretty awful mononormative world it's a triumph
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no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 04:55 pm (UTC)Not all needs from human contact of any sort can or should be met within any single relationship (?this doesn't say exactly what I want it to say)
i hear this idea framed as "no one person can be your everything."
Everyone needs to be able to assume good intentions on the part of all parties
fuck yes. the point at which alan said, "i realized that when i don't understand someone's actions, i automatically assume they are malicious," and this remark was pointed at me, at something i had done and how he had reacted - was the point at which i realized i wanted a divorce. it took two years for me to get it, but that was a turning point.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 05:17 pm (UTC)Oh no. When malice is assumed then you're in relationship with someone to whom you are an enemy. Oof.
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Date: 2021-09-08 05:43 pm (UTC)fundamentally, i think a principle of polyam thinking is "every need can, and possibly should, be distributed among multiple people" though in practice it definitely doesn't always work like that, especially with nesting partners.
yeah, the "i assume you're malicious" after 12 years of marriage to me completely blew my mind. like, have you even MET me? i am sometimes selfish (arguably my worst trait, and the one i'm most often blind to, though "snapping at people when irritable", filed under "poor impulse control" is up there too) but i am simply not malicious or spiteful. i will walk away from a situation long before i will engage in malicious behavior. in that moment, i was boggled and hurt and deeply afraid of my future.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 09:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 09:49 pm (UTC)if either of us are emotionally freid, it's a little different, and more of a delicate balance of "what communciation are you capable of receiving today" and i might need to sit on those "omg this happened" things, or send them to Jenny or Hannah or Brian. :) hannah (jenny's girlfriend; a friend of mine) generally handles random things out of the blue really well, though we don't do that very regularly.
if we're in that delicate balance, either or both of us might feel hurt by misfires, and sometimes we step on each other's toes, and have to take a conversational step back, figure out where each of us is at, and whether the other can meet their needs today or not, and try to communicate clearly. depending on how acute the "fried" emotional condition is, this could eat most of a week, or be over in a couple hours.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-18 07:55 pm (UTC)