Counseling win #582856284636598686472718
Apr. 7th, 2021 09:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormTalking about The Problematic Double Metamour Issue with my counselor, and she said: how will you feel in this situation you're anticipating? And I said: angry, resentful, violated.
Later she said: you could talk to your partners about this beforehand, you don't have to wait till it comes up. That might help you feel more supported when the event happens.
Actually pretty funny, that I'd need to be told to tell my partners how I feel. But, I did need to hear it. Because I've been told so many times that if I have any issues relating to a partner having other partners, if I have any negative feelings or thoughts about that, if I share them I don't deserve to be told about those metamours or about the happier moments in those relationships or anything like that. That I deserve to be in a dadt relationship rather than an openly poly one.
So, when I feel this way I don't access support from my partners, I don't feel seen, but I still try to provide support to my partners. Thus, resentful. Taken advantage of. Unseen plus hurt plus giving, that's a feeling of violation.
My anger tries to push my boundaries back to a safe or comfortable place.
In this case anger can just be used as the energy to tell my partner how I'm feeling, and to ask for what I need: to reach out for that connection past the legacy of being told it's not ok to share this part of myself.
If the partner rejects this part of myself, I can deal with that situation when it comes to it. I don't need to hide myself in order to be an easier poly 101 experience. I can practice focusing on communicating my own feelings and frame them as such, and if that's read as an attack/feeds into someone's poly guilt I'm with people I trust to work through that with me.
Later she said: you could talk to your partners about this beforehand, you don't have to wait till it comes up. That might help you feel more supported when the event happens.
Actually pretty funny, that I'd need to be told to tell my partners how I feel. But, I did need to hear it. Because I've been told so many times that if I have any issues relating to a partner having other partners, if I have any negative feelings or thoughts about that, if I share them I don't deserve to be told about those metamours or about the happier moments in those relationships or anything like that. That I deserve to be in a dadt relationship rather than an openly poly one.
So, when I feel this way I don't access support from my partners, I don't feel seen, but I still try to provide support to my partners. Thus, resentful. Taken advantage of. Unseen plus hurt plus giving, that's a feeling of violation.
My anger tries to push my boundaries back to a safe or comfortable place.
In this case anger can just be used as the energy to tell my partner how I'm feeling, and to ask for what I need: to reach out for that connection past the legacy of being told it's not ok to share this part of myself.
If the partner rejects this part of myself, I can deal with that situation when it comes to it. I don't need to hide myself in order to be an easier poly 101 experience. I can practice focusing on communicating my own feelings and frame them as such, and if that's read as an attack/feeds into someone's poly guilt I'm with people I trust to work through that with me.
