The Wheel Turns.

[greenstorm]

Today I ducked out of my responsibilities and went to Chris' for breakfast, which turned into Wreck Beach and wandering through the water and lying in the sand with Beth. This is the first time in forever I've been in the ocean and it wasn't too cold. I had forgotten how salty it is.

I was trying to escape inevitability, which was sitting there on my computer screen when I came home. So:

Episode, today, triggered by Kynnin, standard hour-and-a-half long. Juggler talked me through it. It didn't make it shorter or faster, it seems. I really appreciate his care during it, but in the end I don't think it makes a difference.

My roommates asked me to dinner tonight, and I cleaned up my face and went down and joined them. It was nice -- I've never had strawberry wine before, and I have an odd scrambled feeling when I drink it, half dessert-y, half wine-y.

I've had an unprecedentedly long period of peace, as I was noting before. This may be simply me laying back and enjoying the ability to be comfortable. I may need to push a little now, though, to tie things up before they strangle me.

You wanna know a secret about me? I love you. I love people who listen to my voice here, who witness my stuff. When I was very young I believed that the only real God there needed to be was the watcher, the chronicaler, someone who by observing an event made it real. Times have changed that, a little, but I write this because I still believe that a record, and impression on the flickers of electricity that make up the internet's brain or a human's, that those electric responses have meaning in some sort of a deep way. I'm not out for understanding, for sympathy, for shared experiences - those are a cool bonus - I'm out for these words registered somewhere, and the thing that registers them draws love from me like thread from an endless spool.

That doesn't make sense, but it's late, and I've had a rough day. Well, a long day, at least. I seem to be chained to my past beyond expectations, and I want to lunge into the future. I need to learn how to stay here. Here. Here. In each second as I live it, that's where I need to be.

And, this second, I'm tired and going to sleep. Be well, all.

Comments

[lazarus7.livejournal.com]

I really want to type *hug* but I realize that doesn't fit... instead, I offer you my hope that tomorrow is a better day.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[wik.livejournal.com]

Huh. It's been a while since I've heard you talk about the Watcher.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Always there. I mostly think about him when I need him, though, or when I feel him close.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_greenwitch_/]

I understand the grieving process you're going through. Mourning the passing of a relationship can take a lot of energy, and the sadness can sneak up on you. I thought I was over Steve, until I saw him a couple of months back. The pain was very quick to re-surface, and I grieved the loss of our relationship, and our friendship for a shorter time this go-round, but that didn't make it much easier.

In many ways, I've unconsciously managed to erase my marriage, to the point where -even if I try- I can't actually picture my husband's face clearly. It's hard to believe that it was a four-year period in my life. Maybe it's denial, but I'd prefer to think it's that I've moved on and those negative memories are not necessary to my life anymore. Because of the way Steve left my life, the emotions are different.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

It really helps to hear you talk about it.

[legacyofty.livejournal.com]

The watcher.. interesting hun. Love you too.


If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it matter if it makes a sound?

[legacyofty.livejournal.com]

You are Zen Mistress!

[quazar3.livejournal.com]

if the Watcher is watching the tree, then of course it makes a sound.

"the creator" is now "the watcher"

me likes. :)

[legacyofty.livejournal.com]

But if he is only watching, then all he sees is it falling, not neccesarily making any sound.