greenstorm (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
greenstorm) wrote2006-11-05 12:29 pm
greenstorm) wrote2006-11-05 12:29 pm
Entry tags:
Huh
One for greatpoets. I didn't know he'd written anything like this. I really like Donne's turns of phrase, even though normally I'd find this sort of rhyme and meter way too trite and neat-sounding-- especially given the subject matter.
Confined Love
Some man unworthy to be possessor
Of old or new love, himself being false or weak,
Thought his pain and shame would be lesser,
If on womankind he might his anger wreak,
And thence a law did grow,
One should but one man know;
But are other creatures so?
Are sun, moon, or stars by law forbidden,
To smile where they list, or lend away their light?
Are birds divorced, or are they chidden
If they leave their mate, or lie abroad a-night?
Beasts do no jointures lose
Though they new lovers choose,
But we are made worse than those.
Who e'er rigged fair ship to lie in harbors
And not to seek new lands, or not to deal withal?
Or built fair houses, set trees, and arbours,
Only to lock up, or lese to let them fall?
Good is not good, unless
A thousand it possess,
But doth waste with greediness.
John Donne - 1572-1631
Which reminds me about something I've been meaning to record for a bit. Y'see, last weekend I made a venture into something very slightly almost-kinda monogamy-or-at-least-closed-relationship-like and it triggered some self-reflection. I agreed to not take up new sexual partners for two weeks. This isn't a matter of getting rid of the old ones, just not introducing new ones. You'd think it wouldn't be a big deal, given that it's been something like five months since the last two, and six months before that... You'd be wrong, though. Day after I made that agreement, I started freaking out. I immediately felt resentful for everything, even the things I would normally have done out of sheer joy or that didn't take up any effort.
So that was weird. We went back and fixed the agreement; it ended up along the lines of 'if you do x we can't do y, so consider that when making choices'-- kind of an obvious statement, coupled with 'we both want y, so it would take pretty strong incentive to get me to do x'. It leaves the ball in my court and the decision-making to me at the time, which is where it's been for the last six months, and is a good place for it to be.
In other words, it was a really strong reminder to me that the changes I've done this summer really were necessary and important, and that at the moment I shouldn't be trying to go back to a more binding relationship-form.
Earlier in the summer, when I sort of gave up on a more traditional gatekeeper/permission-first relationship model, I had some trouble. I kept worrying about how I'd find relationships that worked for me in the future; after all, I didn't have much to offer along the traditional fidelity lines, and a lot of people have trouble with that. This time around I feel much better about it. Yes, a lot of that is probably because the people who need to accept it do accept it now. A lot of it's probably because I've had time to get used to it and accept it into my identity too. The whole thing is actually kind of neat as far as self-discovery goes. I recognise that I don't do closed relationships or sort of 'permission-based' relationships and suddenly I enjoy myself a lot more, feel less stupidly confined, make better decisions, and am more trustworthy. Yeah.
At the same time, when we're talking about my self-image in relationships changing, there are some things that are going back to my roots; it took me eleven or twelve years to recognise that the standard poly-model of permission doesn't work for me, but it's also taken me eight or so to realise that having one serious life-home-partner dealie actually is what I want. It just has to be the right person; both person and position have to be right, rather than the position being open and it just being a matter of finding someone to fill it. It's not love that suits someone for the position; instead for that sort of entwining I need bits that are compatibly shaped; early-to-bed, early-to-rise, loves pets, same cleanliness level, good communication, eats similar food, likes about the same amount of physical contact and about the same amount of sex, has similar safety-signifiers (sleeping together, etc). Whatever, there are probably different ways for someone to be compatible, but the point is that if someone's not compatible, living with them is worse than living alone.
So I've realised that the way Kynnin and I started out a long time ago, the whole primary permission-based thing, was right for me in sme ways and wrong in others.
Estrellada had a comment on my post, and one of the reasons she's a best friend is cause she has perfect aim with this sort of thing. Yeah, Kynnin's name comes up a lot in here, and sometimes it's frought with a ton of emotional stuff. No, that's not really to do with him; it's to do with the fact that my identity and pretty much everything I know about myself as a social or interactive creature was formed while I was with him. When I lost him, I lost that identity, Kynnin'n'Erin; I lost what I thought my future would be; I lost my certainty about my relationship preferences; I lost a parental or protector-type figure; I lost someone I could tell everyone to; I lost someone to whom I was central; I lost someone who knew my past and formative years, who'd met my family, etc.
So that's what I lost; a lot of who I thought I was, and a lot of my past life and lifestyle. Of course it wasn't a bad thing for me in the end. I've done so much growing in the last two years that I can hardly even picture the person I was and going back to the beginning of this livejournal reads as totally foreign to me. Sometimes that makes me pretty sad; I miss a lot of things. I don't miss them enough to want them back, but the emotion hangs thick sometimes. I think it's made stronger by not having people who remember, so it feels like if I don't hold onto it, it'll be gone forever.
So what I've been doing since the beginning of the summer is sort of going over bits of my past, one by one, opening them up, looking to see if there's anything in there that should be kept, mourning, and putting them away. I can do this because I'm in a pretty safe place right now. I've got my own two feet, I'm on a good path with work and schooling and community stuff and social stuff. I'm considering, and Tillie said, and laying to rest what I need to. It does seem to be taking me awhile, but there is so much progress being made that it's hard to conceive of.
I also take these feelings, sadness and nostalgia and whatnot, as feelings rather than signals of the end of the world. That was something I learned earlier on in this period, and it's good. It's no longer as if a hurtful or bad feeling signifies some sort of secret terrible problem that I need to figure out, sometimes it *is* just an echo of loss.
So here's me. Gardener, polyfuckerous, family-oriented, erratic/cyclic, and still figuring it out.
Confined Love
Some man unworthy to be possessor
Of old or new love, himself being false or weak,
Thought his pain and shame would be lesser,
If on womankind he might his anger wreak,
And thence a law did grow,
One should but one man know;
But are other creatures so?
Are sun, moon, or stars by law forbidden,
To smile where they list, or lend away their light?
Are birds divorced, or are they chidden
If they leave their mate, or lie abroad a-night?
Beasts do no jointures lose
Though they new lovers choose,
But we are made worse than those.
Who e'er rigged fair ship to lie in harbors
And not to seek new lands, or not to deal withal?
Or built fair houses, set trees, and arbours,
Only to lock up, or lese to let them fall?
Good is not good, unless
A thousand it possess,
But doth waste with greediness.
John Donne - 1572-1631
Which reminds me about something I've been meaning to record for a bit. Y'see, last weekend I made a venture into something very slightly almost-kinda monogamy-or-at-least-closed-relationship-like and it triggered some self-reflection. I agreed to not take up new sexual partners for two weeks. This isn't a matter of getting rid of the old ones, just not introducing new ones. You'd think it wouldn't be a big deal, given that it's been something like five months since the last two, and six months before that... You'd be wrong, though. Day after I made that agreement, I started freaking out. I immediately felt resentful for everything, even the things I would normally have done out of sheer joy or that didn't take up any effort.
So that was weird. We went back and fixed the agreement; it ended up along the lines of 'if you do x we can't do y, so consider that when making choices'-- kind of an obvious statement, coupled with 'we both want y, so it would take pretty strong incentive to get me to do x'. It leaves the ball in my court and the decision-making to me at the time, which is where it's been for the last six months, and is a good place for it to be.
In other words, it was a really strong reminder to me that the changes I've done this summer really were necessary and important, and that at the moment I shouldn't be trying to go back to a more binding relationship-form.
Earlier in the summer, when I sort of gave up on a more traditional gatekeeper/permission-first relationship model, I had some trouble. I kept worrying about how I'd find relationships that worked for me in the future; after all, I didn't have much to offer along the traditional fidelity lines, and a lot of people have trouble with that. This time around I feel much better about it. Yes, a lot of that is probably because the people who need to accept it do accept it now. A lot of it's probably because I've had time to get used to it and accept it into my identity too. The whole thing is actually kind of neat as far as self-discovery goes. I recognise that I don't do closed relationships or sort of 'permission-based' relationships and suddenly I enjoy myself a lot more, feel less stupidly confined, make better decisions, and am more trustworthy. Yeah.
At the same time, when we're talking about my self-image in relationships changing, there are some things that are going back to my roots; it took me eleven or twelve years to recognise that the standard poly-model of permission doesn't work for me, but it's also taken me eight or so to realise that having one serious life-home-partner dealie actually is what I want. It just has to be the right person; both person and position have to be right, rather than the position being open and it just being a matter of finding someone to fill it. It's not love that suits someone for the position; instead for that sort of entwining I need bits that are compatibly shaped; early-to-bed, early-to-rise, loves pets, same cleanliness level, good communication, eats similar food, likes about the same amount of physical contact and about the same amount of sex, has similar safety-signifiers (sleeping together, etc). Whatever, there are probably different ways for someone to be compatible, but the point is that if someone's not compatible, living with them is worse than living alone.
So I've realised that the way Kynnin and I started out a long time ago, the whole primary permission-based thing, was right for me in sme ways and wrong in others.
Estrellada had a comment on my post, and one of the reasons she's a best friend is cause she has perfect aim with this sort of thing. Yeah, Kynnin's name comes up a lot in here, and sometimes it's frought with a ton of emotional stuff. No, that's not really to do with him; it's to do with the fact that my identity and pretty much everything I know about myself as a social or interactive creature was formed while I was with him. When I lost him, I lost that identity, Kynnin'n'Erin; I lost what I thought my future would be; I lost my certainty about my relationship preferences; I lost a parental or protector-type figure; I lost someone I could tell everyone to; I lost someone to whom I was central; I lost someone who knew my past and formative years, who'd met my family, etc.
So that's what I lost; a lot of who I thought I was, and a lot of my past life and lifestyle. Of course it wasn't a bad thing for me in the end. I've done so much growing in the last two years that I can hardly even picture the person I was and going back to the beginning of this livejournal reads as totally foreign to me. Sometimes that makes me pretty sad; I miss a lot of things. I don't miss them enough to want them back, but the emotion hangs thick sometimes. I think it's made stronger by not having people who remember, so it feels like if I don't hold onto it, it'll be gone forever.
So what I've been doing since the beginning of the summer is sort of going over bits of my past, one by one, opening them up, looking to see if there's anything in there that should be kept, mourning, and putting them away. I can do this because I'm in a pretty safe place right now. I've got my own two feet, I'm on a good path with work and schooling and community stuff and social stuff. I'm considering, and Tillie said, and laying to rest what I need to. It does seem to be taking me awhile, but there is so much progress being made that it's hard to conceive of.
I also take these feelings, sadness and nostalgia and whatnot, as feelings rather than signals of the end of the world. That was something I learned earlier on in this period, and it's good. It's no longer as if a hurtful or bad feeling signifies some sort of secret terrible problem that I need to figure out, sometimes it *is* just an echo of loss.
So here's me. Gardener, polyfuckerous, family-oriented, erratic/cyclic, and still figuring it out.