Guilt

[greenstorm]

At the end of every relationship, I feel guilt. I used to feel guilty most of the time, just anyhow, as a result of my upbringing. Lately I haven't felt it at all, in fact, it's been long enough that I didn't recognise the feeling until most of the way through the day.

This whole cluster of wrong and unworthy feelings is pretty intense, definitely not particularly warranted, and the whole thing feels bad. I want to crawl under something and hide.

I think I understand why Kynnin did the zen breakup with me more now, though there's no more forgiveness. Not taking the time to consider the situation and have the uncomfortable talk is disrespectful. It was bad when I did it to Graham, it was bad when Kynnin did it to me, and it would be wrong for me to do in the future. There's a certain amount of obligation in a relationship, and part of that is informing the other person when the relationship ends, and I just didn't notice cause I wasn't thinking isn't a good excuse. I didn't know isn't a good excuse either, but more common-- especially in poly circles. After all, polyamory means never having to break up with anyone!

Sunny's round but not nest building now. Paris and Aeneus are flat and squishy. The girls' cage is sneezing a bit, I'm a little concerned about them. I think there will be cooking tonight-- not the leave-in-overnight roasts, but molten chocolate cake or something. And maybe oatmeal for dinner to counterbalance the amount of molten chocolate cake I'll eat.

I want to say something about spring and daffodils being open, and magnolias everywhere, but I'm not sure what. Right there, dammit, look! I need to garden Sat morning, I think. Get my bamboo in the ground(!!!!!).

I'm going to buy a bunch of The One Straw Revolution books. Who wants one? Five bucks US for a lovely copy made by a cooperative in India, with a handmade paper cover. Very wonderful book. I may get one for you anyhow. Wik, I'm so mailing you a copy.

I'm sort of starting to miss hanging out with girl-friends-- Eva's started a new job, and is sort of busy, and it's been ages since I've seen Tillie. I guess, as my weirdness expresses itself in other avenues, I'm starting to have more normal interpersonal relations. Y'know, like needing girl-time and not skirt-chasing, or whatever the equivalent of skirt-chasing is for me (ponytail chasing?) I should look Kat up.

On the whole I'm relatively happy despite the odd bubbles of random stuff my brain throws up at me. Start to train my replacement at work soon, I've never trained anyone for money before. Hope I do okay. I'm glad to be doing something else for awhile, frankly. A year and a half of this is enough without a break.

Hah. I was talking to Greensinger the other day, and realised that I'm more of a wanderer than I thought. He's travelling across the continent on a bike, that's the conventional kind of wandering, but I wander through people and activities pretty consistently. I wonder if there's a steady niche for me somewhere where I'll be happy?

Comments

[wik.livejournal.com]

You got a paypal or something?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

You are so not giving me money for it.

[wik.livejournal.com]

Yes, but if I *were*, what's your paypal name? ;)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

If I were, I would make a paypal account for ya

[wik.livejournal.com]

Okay, I owe you a....something that's five bucks, when I make it to SW Canada.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

A quarter of an all-you-can-eat sushi dinner.

[eva00.livejournal.com]

Will you be at the Clubhouse on St Paddys day? I'm coming out, since I only work until 4pm that day.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

No, Kelowna, alas.

::nods head::

[hundun.livejournal.com]

I'd noticed that we've both been dancing around saying much of anything, at least in public. I don't know where to go with this. There remains a feeling of a lack of closure, or unpleasant things half fallen out. I don't know if you also have this on your end, but I find that being able to talk it out with someone else involved helps - not to argue a point, but to see where the other's head is. If you also feel the need to wrap things up some time, give me an email. I've given up on phoning ;)

Re: ::nods head::

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I really don't feel any desire for that kind of conversation, unfortunately, which is why I haven't done it. Dissection of relationships used to be a hobby of mine, but no more. :/

[dunfalach.livejournal.com]

> I wonder if there's a steady niche for me somewhere where I'll be happy?

That all depends on what you're actually looking for, to an extent. You already know my suggestions, of course.

There is no life into which *reasons* to be unhappy never intrude except in heaven. The human condition involves pains and unpleasantnesses as long as sin is present in the world.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I'm less looking for something steady, so much as wondering if I'm made for anything of the sort.

[dunfalach.livejournal.com]

My answer, though it might be unpopular, would be that *everyone* is made for a purpose, and for a place of security. But not everyone is going to find either, because the one who did the making is the one who knows what people are made for....and not everyone wants His opinion. In this particular context, I don't just mean Christianity. Even Christians (self included sometimes) don't always want God's opinion if it contradicts their desires at the time.

In human experience, stability is more often interior peace than exterior circumstance. For my personal experience, stability comes in trusting that God is doing the right thing even if I can't see it at the time. Which is a difficult thing for me to cling to sometimes. But I've always found Him faithful in the end.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

I'll call you after work. Post-debauchery exhaustion is upon me. We'll see what's up then, k? if not, next week? I miss you right now.