greenstorm (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
greenstorm) wrote2003-06-04 09:21 pm
greenstorm) wrote2003-06-04 09:21 pm
Nothing So Deep...
Oh, it's bitter. Oh, it hurts.
With over six years of intimate contact behind us no one can hurt me more deeply or reject me more thoroughly than the SO when he wants to. It's a familiar sort of hurt, I suppose, something I've built up a tolerance to over the years as part and parcel of the whole deal. Like everything else with him, though, it does go so deep.
Even were it a wise relationship decision it would be no good to pour the whole thing out in text to some innumerable crowd of faceless hangers-on who, no matter what they might say, can't care as strongly about it as I myself do. It would only widen the disconnect I feel right now between myself and everyone else.
It is interesting, though, and very sad, that while my ability to be open and honest with almost everyone else has been increasing over time it does seem to me to be decreasing with him. It may well be only in my own mind, it may be reality, it may be the shifting of signals that is halfway between perception and reality, it may be a lot of things. In the end, though, I feel uninteresting to him. I feel that this internal stuff which fascinates so many people is not important to him, and indeed that the whole thing is to the rest of you a passing entertainment. Soon enough it fades and another comes up, and there you go.
I admit that I still don't understand the concept of lifetime binding, of a 'marriage' or a something similar, a permanent relationship. I understand the ideas, I understand it in all the ways one can without actually experiencing it, but that's not enough and it's not the same. When it comes right down to it I still don't honestly believe that such a thing can be; I don't think that anyone else shares the desires that drive me to want it, and so I can't see how anyone else would want it.
It's a concept that fascinates me, that holds me dazzled like a fly in a jewelled spiderweb. Or maybe it's banging my head against the glass to getr to the illusory flowers within? Or maybe it's learning to fly, and fearing falling?
At times like this there is so much dread associated with my future, or perhaps meaninglessness. The people will pass like they always pass and new ones will come and it will always be the process of courtship and enamouring them over and over again. Depth comes and it will fade, then, the brightness of something new and the attraction of strangeness replaced by misunderstanding and anger.
Is this the truth of what will happen? There's no telling, nor I suppose would it be so desperately awful if it did happen as it feels now. There are a lot of things to be said for freedom. Yet in this moment that is the shape of my despair and it's the only truth I can feel.
So what, now? I have gone to him, twice, and been rebuffed. He has come to me, once, and to his own mind been rebuffed. Now I suppose it is my turn again to play the supplicant, to break the constraints of ego and to say, please, I need this from you, will you give it?
There isn't time to get what I need before he goes, but perhaps a little reassurance so that I might sleep...
With over six years of intimate contact behind us no one can hurt me more deeply or reject me more thoroughly than the SO when he wants to. It's a familiar sort of hurt, I suppose, something I've built up a tolerance to over the years as part and parcel of the whole deal. Like everything else with him, though, it does go so deep.
Even were it a wise relationship decision it would be no good to pour the whole thing out in text to some innumerable crowd of faceless hangers-on who, no matter what they might say, can't care as strongly about it as I myself do. It would only widen the disconnect I feel right now between myself and everyone else.
It is interesting, though, and very sad, that while my ability to be open and honest with almost everyone else has been increasing over time it does seem to me to be decreasing with him. It may well be only in my own mind, it may be reality, it may be the shifting of signals that is halfway between perception and reality, it may be a lot of things. In the end, though, I feel uninteresting to him. I feel that this internal stuff which fascinates so many people is not important to him, and indeed that the whole thing is to the rest of you a passing entertainment. Soon enough it fades and another comes up, and there you go.
I admit that I still don't understand the concept of lifetime binding, of a 'marriage' or a something similar, a permanent relationship. I understand the ideas, I understand it in all the ways one can without actually experiencing it, but that's not enough and it's not the same. When it comes right down to it I still don't honestly believe that such a thing can be; I don't think that anyone else shares the desires that drive me to want it, and so I can't see how anyone else would want it.
It's a concept that fascinates me, that holds me dazzled like a fly in a jewelled spiderweb. Or maybe it's banging my head against the glass to getr to the illusory flowers within? Or maybe it's learning to fly, and fearing falling?
At times like this there is so much dread associated with my future, or perhaps meaninglessness. The people will pass like they always pass and new ones will come and it will always be the process of courtship and enamouring them over and over again. Depth comes and it will fade, then, the brightness of something new and the attraction of strangeness replaced by misunderstanding and anger.
Is this the truth of what will happen? There's no telling, nor I suppose would it be so desperately awful if it did happen as it feels now. There are a lot of things to be said for freedom. Yet in this moment that is the shape of my despair and it's the only truth I can feel.
So what, now? I have gone to him, twice, and been rebuffed. He has come to me, once, and to his own mind been rebuffed. Now I suppose it is my turn again to play the supplicant, to break the constraints of ego and to say, please, I need this from you, will you give it?
There isn't time to get what I need before he goes, but perhaps a little reassurance so that I might sleep...
no subject
It's the internal stuff that gives lifetime binding its meaning and its strength. Purely external attraction is bound to fade, and a relationship based on this likely fades along with it; or in the best of cases, transforms; but to something less than it was.
But the fascination with another person, their myriad of facets, their swinging moods, their steadfast or shifting interests and opinions, that is what keeps you interested. The familiarity that rises from this, the intimacy of having probed, and still probing, each other's depths, is what gives a lasting relationship its strength.
no subject
What is a commitment, how can you stay true to being yourselves and at the same time say you'll lean on each other for an indefinite time into the future?
Why do such things always bog down in a pledge to the unchanging image in the eye of the beholder? Why do I end up with one person who cannot accept change in myself and another who does not commit -- are those two mutually exclusive?
Don't imagine for a second this is a complaint. It's not. It's just confusion. I don't understand this stuff, I've never seen it modelled for any length of time. I can't begin to complain about something until I understand it.