And Even a Freer Agent?

[greenstorm]

And here's the thing, too. Watching the Juggler and the Other Woman has been keeping me feeling a little odd. There's a lot of the 'permanent' and 'committed' stuff in that relationship that I've thought I was seeking and it makes me feel a distinct sense of loss that I don't have it. I don't feel bad that they do; I just feel as if here's something very beautiful and I'm missing out on it.

Neither the Exotic nor the SO and I have that kind of trust and surety in each other. I'm not sure we ever can. I don't know, granted -- we certainly haven't had enough time to figure it out. I don't have it now, though, and I'm definitely feeling that lately.

This isn't to say that I don't get a lot out of my relationships or that they aren't important. I'm not even really sure what it is to say. Maybe it's just to state this feeling of loss and to get it out there where it's acknowledged and so I feel better about it. Loss is something I can deal with, after all.

It's interesting that it is a feeling of loss as opposed to, say, feeling envious or left out or even something missing. It doesn't feel like there's anyone or anything missing in my life so much as a space, a hole, where something's not there. That's probably partially caused by the family stuff, but who knows?

I'm also doing this swinging between homes thing, I suppose. There's no one single solid anchor to which I can attach myself, which is probably what this is all about when it comes right down to it. There's security, and then there's stability, and what I'm lacking is halfway in between. Predictability?

Bah.

I definitely feel both included and cared-for, here. I believe wholly and completely in the goodwill of these people. What I don't believe in is the situational goodwill, that something won't come up and make it impossible for their goodwill to mean much. I always do end up getting what I need, I should learn to trust more. Otherwise I just make it hard on myself worrying when I could be enjoying what I've got. Once in awhile, though, it's so hard...

I think a nap might be in order. Relax, finish my book, that sort of thing. Practice connecting so I can do it more quickly and the flux won't bother me.

Then, I'll keep you posted about the garden. Be well.

Comments

Asking too much?

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

I actually really relate to this feeling of "impermanence" or insubstantiality even in LTR's...I always feel like an asshole when I bring it up in the context in my own life in relationships, because people have always consistently tried hard to *make me feel included* and *make space for me*....
Tho, like you, I sometimes attribute it to my own lacks: lack of trust, in my case a lack of my own ability to commit, lack of connection....
I sometimes have also felt that a major fault in my "not there" homes/loves/lives is the issue that I feel like I am shifting/being shifted into a gap in someone else's life. I can see the seams and dust-marks from where things have been moved so I can exist; so how can this home/life/love be mine, truly? As well, how can I exist here, having to learn an entirely new system for using the kitchen, doing the laundrey, making plans for the weekend, spending time?
I guess I want to feel like something/one/where will blend as well into my life as I might into it...
Maybe I am Jack's Utter Lack of Compromise?

Re: Asking too much?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I sometimes wonder if it's not a normal way to feel, and it's just that I'm not used to it. You know, the normal state of human relations just isn't enough for me but it is for everyone else?

People are all so well-wishing, you'd think it would work out perfectly just from how hard everyone tries. It's too bad that it doesn't, but it leaves something to work on I guess.

It's interesting when you talk about 'being shifted into a gap.' I don't quite relate to that feeling at all -- it's not an image I understand at all. I always feel like I'm sitting here being my uique shape and sometimes people come up and interface with me, but I also feel that my unique shape doesn't fit anyone else's interface very well. I'm always mine, though, always the central existence. I delight in stepping into other lives for awile, learning that other laundry system. It's like playacting, like a window into someone else's life so I can step outside my own rock-hard walls for a bit and realise that yes, there are other real people in the world that do things like this.

I do blend into lives, though, better perhaps than I do into people. I like blending into lives. I don't think I would enjoy someone blending into mine. And with recent experience I'm beginning to think I don't want anyone blending into my person, either.

It's strange how many things I need to achieve to realise I don't want them?

Maybe I do understand what you mean by shifted into a gap, after all. I love people for leaving gaps that I can come into and leave freely, that I can fit into where they don't mind my passing through. I love how people can be so open, how they don't mind my presence, how they don't mind that intense observation and analysis that comes with sliding into that gap and seeing their lives from within.

Or maybe I'm not making any sense at all.