greenstorm (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
greenstorm) wrote2023-04-18 09:37 am
greenstorm) wrote2023-04-18 09:37 am
Everything Bagel
I put fava beans in to soak yesterday so I need to plant them today. Not sure where, soil is too wet to till, so I'll be doing a classic digging-stick planting. I think I'll be doing that tonight.
Massage that was scheduled for last week was rescheduled to today since the massage therapist was sick last week. I've been working to try and fix my right elbow, which has been pretty painful for the last couple months. Fortuitously though I had a pretty bad night last night handling some breakup/relationship related stuff and ended up crying a bunch and clenching my teeth hard for 20 hours or so and a massage would really help loosen up my shoulders and headache from that. So the rescheduled massage feels sort of like a little gift. I've been stretching my elbow consistently and it doesn't feel as sharply painful anymore, though it still hurts quite a bit (I wish there was a physio close enough that I wouldn't hurt my elbow more driving the round trip to and from).
My potatoes have some of their first true leaves. The tomatoes are happy. My Hardin's mini x Sweet baby jade F1 is covered in green tomatoes full of F2 seeds. My apple seeds are coming up.
Today is sunny and though I haven't managed to change my sheets, I did manage to wash and line dry some to put on.
And.
I still don't know where the line is with Tucker. Some stuff came up last night. The attenuated thing we've been doing was fine but he is now in intense NRE with a new person, he had a longstanding connection with her, and it's stirring up all the stuff I wanted to be able to do with him and gave up on to enter into our current relationship (maybe more acquaintance/sorta friends with benefits?). It hurts because I miss being that sort of focus. I miss conversations where we talked about our perspectives and feelings; there's some irony that he's better at listening now and he's shown some ability to share his feelings with me but it's not something either of us feel safe doing now and I think he just doesn't want that dynamic with me. I miss looking forward to the future as a shared activity with him. I'm apprehensive of the pattern he has of creating distance, then when I create distance on my own he suddenly comes closer, and on my ability to stand firm on my distance when he offers closeness since I don't want to continue to swing that pendulum back and forth. I don't know that I can trust his offers. So the attenuated relationship, where when we're together it's great and I don't consider him a part of my life when he's not physically present-- that solves those issues. But it's hard right now, as is not surprising, that someone else is filling those spaces.
I spent a bunch of time yesterday doing PDA advocacy and education. There are a ton of groups with lots of parents of younger PDAers and I did a bunch of explaining how my life fits together, how I feel and experience things, how I relate to my family, etc. It takes work but also it puts a lot of my self-knowledge to use and hopefully helps both those parents and their young PDAers in the world.
There was also a PDA spat where a non-PDA I guess pretty well-known person suggested-- well, here's the thing. PDA is formally "pathological demand avoidance" but the difference between PDA and other kinds of nonconforming demand avoidance is significant, and telling a bunch of PDAers what to call themselves is a losing game anyhow. So PDAers keep bringing up nicer-sounding names like "pervasive drive for autonomy" to fit the acronym. It's important to them, personally I think it's bullshit (I'm not more autonomous, I'm just constrained to be non-normative in particular ways which NT folks can't imagine because they're all constrained by their neurotype to be normative, so they think this is autonomy). So anyhow, this more-than-PDA-circles well known person suggested renaming PDA "protective demand avoidance" and made a big post about it, which a bunch of PDAers didn't like because she didn't bother to talk to any PDAers first, and by the time anyone who wasn't just a PDA parent got there you had to scroll through and read a couple hundred or thousand "yes this is so much less stigmatizing" posts before even being able to comment, and then she tried to say that post actually was an attempt at getting comments. Unsurprisingly a bunch of PDA folks were upset, a bunch liked it, and a ton of people (me included) couldn't be bothered to read several thousand posts before chiming in. Seems like she had conflated all demand avoidance (which she said she saw "across neurotypes") with PDA demand avoidance. So that's a couple thousand commenters plus however many readers that have yet another additional name for PDA plus more misinformation about what it is. Figures.
And my cats and I spend the days saying "I love you" in cat to each other all day, the geese are on nests, I put down clover seed the other day, and there's basketmaking and more pottery in my future. I even have a friend to go for walks with sometimes again. I can feel happiness flowing from my life.
But I still also am tired, shaky, and have trouble getting out of bed and my vision is doing weird things and I should probably follow up with doctors and medication changes but I do not have the bandwidth but I do need to come up with an action plan for it.
Plus an action plan for selling the piglets.
My counseling was rescheduled for Wednesday (PDA counselor) and I honestly don't even know how to narrow a focus for this upcoming session.
Massage that was scheduled for last week was rescheduled to today since the massage therapist was sick last week. I've been working to try and fix my right elbow, which has been pretty painful for the last couple months. Fortuitously though I had a pretty bad night last night handling some breakup/relationship related stuff and ended up crying a bunch and clenching my teeth hard for 20 hours or so and a massage would really help loosen up my shoulders and headache from that. So the rescheduled massage feels sort of like a little gift. I've been stretching my elbow consistently and it doesn't feel as sharply painful anymore, though it still hurts quite a bit (I wish there was a physio close enough that I wouldn't hurt my elbow more driving the round trip to and from).
My potatoes have some of their first true leaves. The tomatoes are happy. My Hardin's mini x Sweet baby jade F1 is covered in green tomatoes full of F2 seeds. My apple seeds are coming up.
Today is sunny and though I haven't managed to change my sheets, I did manage to wash and line dry some to put on.
And.
I still don't know where the line is with Tucker. Some stuff came up last night. The attenuated thing we've been doing was fine but he is now in intense NRE with a new person, he had a longstanding connection with her, and it's stirring up all the stuff I wanted to be able to do with him and gave up on to enter into our current relationship (maybe more acquaintance/sorta friends with benefits?). It hurts because I miss being that sort of focus. I miss conversations where we talked about our perspectives and feelings; there's some irony that he's better at listening now and he's shown some ability to share his feelings with me but it's not something either of us feel safe doing now and I think he just doesn't want that dynamic with me. I miss looking forward to the future as a shared activity with him. I'm apprehensive of the pattern he has of creating distance, then when I create distance on my own he suddenly comes closer, and on my ability to stand firm on my distance when he offers closeness since I don't want to continue to swing that pendulum back and forth. I don't know that I can trust his offers. So the attenuated relationship, where when we're together it's great and I don't consider him a part of my life when he's not physically present-- that solves those issues. But it's hard right now, as is not surprising, that someone else is filling those spaces.
I spent a bunch of time yesterday doing PDA advocacy and education. There are a ton of groups with lots of parents of younger PDAers and I did a bunch of explaining how my life fits together, how I feel and experience things, how I relate to my family, etc. It takes work but also it puts a lot of my self-knowledge to use and hopefully helps both those parents and their young PDAers in the world.
There was also a PDA spat where a non-PDA I guess pretty well-known person suggested-- well, here's the thing. PDA is formally "pathological demand avoidance" but the difference between PDA and other kinds of nonconforming demand avoidance is significant, and telling a bunch of PDAers what to call themselves is a losing game anyhow. So PDAers keep bringing up nicer-sounding names like "pervasive drive for autonomy" to fit the acronym. It's important to them, personally I think it's bullshit (I'm not more autonomous, I'm just constrained to be non-normative in particular ways which NT folks can't imagine because they're all constrained by their neurotype to be normative, so they think this is autonomy). So anyhow, this more-than-PDA-circles well known person suggested renaming PDA "protective demand avoidance" and made a big post about it, which a bunch of PDAers didn't like because she didn't bother to talk to any PDAers first, and by the time anyone who wasn't just a PDA parent got there you had to scroll through and read a couple hundred or thousand "yes this is so much less stigmatizing" posts before even being able to comment, and then she tried to say that post actually was an attempt at getting comments. Unsurprisingly a bunch of PDA folks were upset, a bunch liked it, and a ton of people (me included) couldn't be bothered to read several thousand posts before chiming in. Seems like she had conflated all demand avoidance (which she said she saw "across neurotypes") with PDA demand avoidance. So that's a couple thousand commenters plus however many readers that have yet another additional name for PDA plus more misinformation about what it is. Figures.
And my cats and I spend the days saying "I love you" in cat to each other all day, the geese are on nests, I put down clover seed the other day, and there's basketmaking and more pottery in my future. I even have a friend to go for walks with sometimes again. I can feel happiness flowing from my life.
But I still also am tired, shaky, and have trouble getting out of bed and my vision is doing weird things and I should probably follow up with doctors and medication changes but I do not have the bandwidth but I do need to come up with an action plan for it.
Plus an action plan for selling the piglets.
My counseling was rescheduled for Wednesday (PDA counselor) and I honestly don't even know how to narrow a focus for this upcoming session.
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