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greenstormSo one of the reasons I came up to Fort particularly is to work with my friend/ex-boss Ron, who moved up here about the time I first took a summer student position in this town. In fact, we started in the same month-- he was friends with the folks who worked at my old job and so he felt maybe more integrated than me. Anyhow, I worked the summer here, went and tried another place the following summer, and in the middle of that summer texted Ron to say "can I come work for you permanently henceforth" and he made it happen. We worked really well together but I tended to keep a layer of distance, because he was my boss, though the structure felt pretty non-hierachical.
Since that company dissolved I've been going over occasionally during Saturday morning coffee, when a bunch of the folks who worked together at the old company would hang out at his place. It was generally a small-group setting, with folks I like, but it was still a group setting.
Well, Ron sold his house and is moving away at the end of the month. He asked if I wanted anything from the house and I went over and poked around and there was some stuff we put on a list and discussed prices for; I dug up some starts from the glorious old rose that lives at the house; and we just talked. We talked about his plans for the summer, moving into a truck he kits out and doing some contract work, and about my plans for the move. We talked about, I don't know, just stuff.
I'd forgotten what it was like to just hang out with someone I enjoy. A friend. I'd forgotten that I could just enjoy someone's presence; that there's a space that's not "intimate because we're involved in some sort of a co-project and it's intense" and "I'm doing this interaction because I'm supposed to and taking what I can from it." Just... it was nice. I enjoy him. It was good. And he's not busy tearing himself into pieces because of self-loathing or doing some sort of weird self-harm through overwork or whatever and that is also very, very nice.
So I've got myself a bedframe for down south out of it, and a hammock stand, and a couch the animals can go on. If I can enough pork, I will give him canned pork in trade. I've got the amazing old rose which lives at his home. I have a BBQ/smoker that needs fixing up. He may come and visit over the winter, and/or maybe if A&E are into it he could live in his truck rig there over the winter on and off for some $, it would be nice to have a friend there for a bit.
Love for me feels like pain. When I experience love, I also experience pain, they're almost inextricably linked. I'm reasonably sure it's a PDA thing, that pressure rising to meet the inevitability of my emotion and locking together into one fused experience. I cried on the drive home, music on, windows down. So much of my interpersonal has been so frought lately and it was good to just be able to just love someone and to have it be ok and not mean anything other than it does.
Meanwhile A&E have taken some time to digest the budget numbers and are starting to brainstorm scenarios down there and put them forward. As is my role I'm going to push for numbers. I suspect I need to ask them what it'll take for them to put numbers to their proposals, rather than for them to hope I'll do it for them. We'll run through a couple scenarios and see what makes sense; as before I've been acting as the reality check. I'm very tempted to tell them to take a small-business course, or at least something involving making a business plan, because I don't know that I'm the person to do all this instruction.
This process may involve me targeting fall for my move instead of midsummer. We will see. Gosh I want to spend time on a project with someone who can lay out steps and do reasonable troubleshooting right now. I miss that kind of interaction.
Anyhow I'm home with fancy roses and I'm about to put food in the oven. Things will be ok.
Since that company dissolved I've been going over occasionally during Saturday morning coffee, when a bunch of the folks who worked together at the old company would hang out at his place. It was generally a small-group setting, with folks I like, but it was still a group setting.
Well, Ron sold his house and is moving away at the end of the month. He asked if I wanted anything from the house and I went over and poked around and there was some stuff we put on a list and discussed prices for; I dug up some starts from the glorious old rose that lives at the house; and we just talked. We talked about his plans for the summer, moving into a truck he kits out and doing some contract work, and about my plans for the move. We talked about, I don't know, just stuff.
I'd forgotten what it was like to just hang out with someone I enjoy. A friend. I'd forgotten that I could just enjoy someone's presence; that there's a space that's not "intimate because we're involved in some sort of a co-project and it's intense" and "I'm doing this interaction because I'm supposed to and taking what I can from it." Just... it was nice. I enjoy him. It was good. And he's not busy tearing himself into pieces because of self-loathing or doing some sort of weird self-harm through overwork or whatever and that is also very, very nice.
So I've got myself a bedframe for down south out of it, and a hammock stand, and a couch the animals can go on. If I can enough pork, I will give him canned pork in trade. I've got the amazing old rose which lives at his home. I have a BBQ/smoker that needs fixing up. He may come and visit over the winter, and/or maybe if A&E are into it he could live in his truck rig there over the winter on and off for some $, it would be nice to have a friend there for a bit.
Love for me feels like pain. When I experience love, I also experience pain, they're almost inextricably linked. I'm reasonably sure it's a PDA thing, that pressure rising to meet the inevitability of my emotion and locking together into one fused experience. I cried on the drive home, music on, windows down. So much of my interpersonal has been so frought lately and it was good to just be able to just love someone and to have it be ok and not mean anything other than it does.
Meanwhile A&E have taken some time to digest the budget numbers and are starting to brainstorm scenarios down there and put them forward. As is my role I'm going to push for numbers. I suspect I need to ask them what it'll take for them to put numbers to their proposals, rather than for them to hope I'll do it for them. We'll run through a couple scenarios and see what makes sense; as before I've been acting as the reality check. I'm very tempted to tell them to take a small-business course, or at least something involving making a business plan, because I don't know that I'm the person to do all this instruction.
This process may involve me targeting fall for my move instead of midsummer. We will see. Gosh I want to spend time on a project with someone who can lay out steps and do reasonable troubleshooting right now. I miss that kind of interaction.
Anyhow I'm home with fancy roses and I'm about to put food in the oven. Things will be ok.
