Consequently
May. 20th, 2022 10:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormSeveral days ago I was reading elizapples.com (recommended) and came across a fragment to which I relate:
What was it all for? If I am to pursue my passions, will I always suffer like this? And how much more can I handle before it’s no longer worth it? As these questions floated by me in the darkness, I heard a voice whisper: “Eliza, you are here to love apples.”
It wasn’t the first time and I have a feeling it won’t be the last time that apples pull me out of depression.
***
I was at the farmer's market today. It's my social event here, though unfortuately it happens only during work hours. I was introduced to someone and had a good conversation with him: a conversation where he was thinking about what we were saying, evaluating it, being honest and engaged. It's been a very long time since I've had a conversation like that with a stranger. It was nice. I've been invited climbing tomorrow with them but...
***
I also got a letter today from the District telling me they'd had a complaint(s?) about the garbage in my yard. I've been making inroads since the roofers were here and I think it's way better than it was; it basically all went to shit when I got something like 40 boxes of food from the grocery store when their freezer broke down, then ravens ripped open all the garbage bags/cans and scattered everything and I couldn't pick up garbage and get to the dump after work fast enough so they just re-scattered. I have pretty limited inside space to keep this stuff. Anyhow, I had a chat with the bylaw officer, things will be fine if I plug away at it as I have been, my cardboard mulch is ok staying in place. There's no fine or formal complaint at this point.
So that's demoralizing and feels bad but isn't actually a problem. The bylaw guy was friendly. I'm curious though, obviously, who the complaint was from. I'm personally capable of recieving this as information/comunication, but I also know that for many people making a complaint is an argressive act. Is there someone who wanted to do this in an aggressive way? Was there a complaint against the new neighbours across the road blasting music and shooting a couple weekends ago, they assumed it was me, and they retaliated? Is there someone I have to worry about in the future?
To be honest I'm not actually worried about it, but I'm very curious and a little cautious.
***
I was going to pick up my tiller today but the co-op had sold out. I ordered one online but it'll take a week to get here. I took my little tiller to the engine guy to get it fixed but it'll be done sometime next week.
This means less planting this weekend and more next (during the pottery workshop and moving furniture) and it could mean I'd have time to go climbing with the folks from the farmer's market, BUT... I should spend time picking up my yard and de-pigging my house. But I can't suggest climbing next weekend instead because it's even busier, and I'd like to keep in touch with this person and have another conversation.
***
The other day I sent something to a friend about the distinction between feeling feelings, and doing actions. The difference between loving someone, for instance, and choosing to be with them: that's a big one. He couldn't relate.
***
The farmer's market person asked how I could care so much for plants but still kill animals. I told him when I killed my first radish to eat it I was really sad, and he said that was different. I'm here, now, to write that I disagree. The personal experience of killing what you love, of making that choice, is just that: personal. I talked a bunch about when and how animals die in nature for him, but I don't think that answered his curiosity.
The thing is, I am here to love things. I'm always killing what I love.
***
Imagine being killed without love?
***
At one point during my farmer's market conversation this person stopped, cocked his head, and said, "you think things through carefully, don't you? That's rare" and I agreed with great angst and rue that it was, indeed, rare.
***
I am here to love gardens, seeds, plants. My ring is in the mail: crossed scythe and wheat, and oak leaves. I'm here to love my tomatoes and my corn and the next thing after that. I'm often here to love people but that shouldn't win out too often.
***
I think I'll stay home and pick up trash and garden tomorrow instead of going climbing.
What was it all for? If I am to pursue my passions, will I always suffer like this? And how much more can I handle before it’s no longer worth it? As these questions floated by me in the darkness, I heard a voice whisper: “Eliza, you are here to love apples.”
It wasn’t the first time and I have a feeling it won’t be the last time that apples pull me out of depression.
***
I was at the farmer's market today. It's my social event here, though unfortuately it happens only during work hours. I was introduced to someone and had a good conversation with him: a conversation where he was thinking about what we were saying, evaluating it, being honest and engaged. It's been a very long time since I've had a conversation like that with a stranger. It was nice. I've been invited climbing tomorrow with them but...
***
I also got a letter today from the District telling me they'd had a complaint(s?) about the garbage in my yard. I've been making inroads since the roofers were here and I think it's way better than it was; it basically all went to shit when I got something like 40 boxes of food from the grocery store when their freezer broke down, then ravens ripped open all the garbage bags/cans and scattered everything and I couldn't pick up garbage and get to the dump after work fast enough so they just re-scattered. I have pretty limited inside space to keep this stuff. Anyhow, I had a chat with the bylaw officer, things will be fine if I plug away at it as I have been, my cardboard mulch is ok staying in place. There's no fine or formal complaint at this point.
So that's demoralizing and feels bad but isn't actually a problem. The bylaw guy was friendly. I'm curious though, obviously, who the complaint was from. I'm personally capable of recieving this as information/comunication, but I also know that for many people making a complaint is an argressive act. Is there someone who wanted to do this in an aggressive way? Was there a complaint against the new neighbours across the road blasting music and shooting a couple weekends ago, they assumed it was me, and they retaliated? Is there someone I have to worry about in the future?
To be honest I'm not actually worried about it, but I'm very curious and a little cautious.
***
I was going to pick up my tiller today but the co-op had sold out. I ordered one online but it'll take a week to get here. I took my little tiller to the engine guy to get it fixed but it'll be done sometime next week.
This means less planting this weekend and more next (during the pottery workshop and moving furniture) and it could mean I'd have time to go climbing with the folks from the farmer's market, BUT... I should spend time picking up my yard and de-pigging my house. But I can't suggest climbing next weekend instead because it's even busier, and I'd like to keep in touch with this person and have another conversation.
***
The other day I sent something to a friend about the distinction between feeling feelings, and doing actions. The difference between loving someone, for instance, and choosing to be with them: that's a big one. He couldn't relate.
***
The farmer's market person asked how I could care so much for plants but still kill animals. I told him when I killed my first radish to eat it I was really sad, and he said that was different. I'm here, now, to write that I disagree. The personal experience of killing what you love, of making that choice, is just that: personal. I talked a bunch about when and how animals die in nature for him, but I don't think that answered his curiosity.
The thing is, I am here to love things. I'm always killing what I love.
***
Imagine being killed without love?
***
At one point during my farmer's market conversation this person stopped, cocked his head, and said, "you think things through carefully, don't you? That's rare" and I agreed with great angst and rue that it was, indeed, rare.
***
I am here to love gardens, seeds, plants. My ring is in the mail: crossed scythe and wheat, and oak leaves. I'm here to love my tomatoes and my corn and the next thing after that. I'm often here to love people but that shouldn't win out too often.
***
I think I'll stay home and pick up trash and garden tomorrow instead of going climbing.
