Every thing is mine again
Sep. 23rd, 2022 08:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormTucker left town this spring. I've been up here on my own for several months now, long enough to begin setting patterns in my mind and behaviour.
My social footprint is spread out. I talk to people, some I know well, some I don't, some over the phone, some in person. I still watch shows with Tucker online, and we talk about those shows and analyze them and relate them to things sometimes, but I don't have much in the way of life conversations with him. He is certainly not in on everything that happens in my life. I talk to Josh a bunch on the phone, as I did before, though more erratically. It'll be good to see him up here. But basically now I don't have one person I talk to about most of the things that happen in my life, and a great number of the things I experience and think never get noted with another human at all.
There is no one who knows me except myself.
Recently my mind took a couple months off thinking. I did things, but I didn't perceive myself doing them or think beyond what was necessary to accomplish the tasks at hand. I was inside my experiences in a way that I consider to be my summer self.
Now I seem be to conceptualizing again. The experience of thoughts in my mind catches my attention and I linger on them for a little while. The patterns around me are perceived intellectually rather than through my behaviours. I consider this to be my winter self, and it's interesting to watch it line up with the seasons again. It's been a number of years, maybe even a decade, since these shifts aligned.
In many ways I'm losing my ability to be purely embodied in favour of being caught up in thinking. I also have a great deal of time and my focus seems to be coming back in little bits.
This is not co-thinking, as in a conversation, and it isn't externally-presented thinking. It's just there, as an inquiry or exploration of my surroundings and linkages. My mind might linger on the extremely weird accretion of policy, rules, and behaviours around our work bathroom post-covid, for example, or grope along the constellation of uses, history, and social impacts of synthetic fabric. It's like looking for the spiderwebs spun between all things, the way you might run into a single strand on a path and step back to see where the rest of the web is.
It's a very private feeling.
There's a luxury to having things foreground themselves, to forsaking the mental discipline required to shift the world into important focus objects and into background that is thought of mostly through logistics. Any conversation with humans needs this shift, since words are such a narrow conduit and connections are too wide to fit through except dismantled, piece by piece.
I do seem to be losing stamina in externally presenting things to other people, and other people aren't much in the business of drawing things out from me right now. Just writing this I feel done, my mind wanting to go back into some physical tasks to rest, perhaps like seeding some tomatoes and setting them to ferment or walking the south edge of the property and imagining where the daffodils will go.
And there isn't much reason not to let it, though perhaps I'll find something work-adjacent to guide it into.
My social footprint is spread out. I talk to people, some I know well, some I don't, some over the phone, some in person. I still watch shows with Tucker online, and we talk about those shows and analyze them and relate them to things sometimes, but I don't have much in the way of life conversations with him. He is certainly not in on everything that happens in my life. I talk to Josh a bunch on the phone, as I did before, though more erratically. It'll be good to see him up here. But basically now I don't have one person I talk to about most of the things that happen in my life, and a great number of the things I experience and think never get noted with another human at all.
There is no one who knows me except myself.
Recently my mind took a couple months off thinking. I did things, but I didn't perceive myself doing them or think beyond what was necessary to accomplish the tasks at hand. I was inside my experiences in a way that I consider to be my summer self.
Now I seem be to conceptualizing again. The experience of thoughts in my mind catches my attention and I linger on them for a little while. The patterns around me are perceived intellectually rather than through my behaviours. I consider this to be my winter self, and it's interesting to watch it line up with the seasons again. It's been a number of years, maybe even a decade, since these shifts aligned.
In many ways I'm losing my ability to be purely embodied in favour of being caught up in thinking. I also have a great deal of time and my focus seems to be coming back in little bits.
This is not co-thinking, as in a conversation, and it isn't externally-presented thinking. It's just there, as an inquiry or exploration of my surroundings and linkages. My mind might linger on the extremely weird accretion of policy, rules, and behaviours around our work bathroom post-covid, for example, or grope along the constellation of uses, history, and social impacts of synthetic fabric. It's like looking for the spiderwebs spun between all things, the way you might run into a single strand on a path and step back to see where the rest of the web is.
It's a very private feeling.
There's a luxury to having things foreground themselves, to forsaking the mental discipline required to shift the world into important focus objects and into background that is thought of mostly through logistics. Any conversation with humans needs this shift, since words are such a narrow conduit and connections are too wide to fit through except dismantled, piece by piece.
I do seem to be losing stamina in externally presenting things to other people, and other people aren't much in the business of drawing things out from me right now. Just writing this I feel done, my mind wanting to go back into some physical tasks to rest, perhaps like seeding some tomatoes and setting them to ferment or walking the south edge of the property and imagining where the daffodils will go.
And there isn't much reason not to let it, though perhaps I'll find something work-adjacent to guide it into.
