(no subject)

[greenstorm]

Most of the first wave of side-effects of sertraline were finished by the end of day 4. I had a day of... calm, and quiet. I'm not sure how to describe this, but for the last several months I'd been in pretty intense mental pain. Not emotional, but where my mind hurt in the same way that a burn or a broken bone might hurt. So day five I noticed that was gone-- which is how I noticed that it was there in the first place, to be honest. I'd had the pain feeling for so long that I'd forgotten there were other ways to be.

A lot of my attention issues cleared up with the pain issue. I can focus better. That makes sense; pain makes it hard to focus.

A lot of other things have shifted in my mind too, though. I went through a day of just... savouring not hurting, but the last few days I've also felt super unmotivated and very, very tired.

Tired means napping a lot and having trouble staying awake to focus. Unmotivated means both having trouble getting up to do things I need to do, and having less interest in things that normally make me happy. My well is having issues and I was clearing out the well room the other day to get at the equipment, and thinking, "I could just get rid of all this hobby stuff, I don't really need to do hobbies". That is... not me.

I think I'm also having a little difficulty processing the images from both eyes at once?

It's a bit of a relief to be pausing and considering my thoughts when they're a bit less desperate, but on the other hand I do want my mind back, not someone else's.

I guess this is day 8, so my hope is I'm not settled into whatever permanent thing it's doing. It was so nice not to feel awful, but it's frustrating to not be awake and interested in things. Especially when it's so sunny and springy out.