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greenstormIf I wanted to be here, what would I do?
Maybe I'll never know the answer.
Like everything I've tried so hard. Filled "here" with
the first sparks of life itself, awe and wonder, seeds unfurling and plants dying and resurrecting every year and offering unconditional green abundance
people I loved, and when that never worked quite right
beings who loved me, rat colonies who raced to the door to give me kisses and tickle my ears into laughter
rabbits who lived beside me calmly, giving me no reason to fear them
dogs with constancy I'd never before felt, there every day when I came home with love in their eyes
cats who dry my tears with their purrs even before I know I'm crying
a space the very shape of me with what could be joy everywhere I look.
If I wanted to be here
I wouldn't have had to try so hard
To change "here" to "there"
To convince others
And then myself
And then others again
That I had a right to a little space
That I could one day find kinship
That the work was worth
This reward.
Turns out they were right all along
I'm too sensitive
And the words land
And land
Not like bombs
But like salt
On the earth of my soul
Each day the fertile land is smaller
And the desert larger
When my soul can't feed me
I dwindle
Until--
If I wanted to be here, what would I do?
I tried it all.
Fake it till you make it.
Change the world.
If you can't change the world change your circumstances.
Hold on, one day at a time.
Think of all those who love you.
I tried it all.
Just like you said.
But still here I am, wondering
If you wanted me to be here, what would I do?
Maybe I'll never know the answer.
Like everything I've tried so hard. Filled "here" with
the first sparks of life itself, awe and wonder, seeds unfurling and plants dying and resurrecting every year and offering unconditional green abundance
people I loved, and when that never worked quite right
beings who loved me, rat colonies who raced to the door to give me kisses and tickle my ears into laughter
rabbits who lived beside me calmly, giving me no reason to fear them
dogs with constancy I'd never before felt, there every day when I came home with love in their eyes
cats who dry my tears with their purrs even before I know I'm crying
a space the very shape of me with what could be joy everywhere I look.
If I wanted to be here
I wouldn't have had to try so hard
To change "here" to "there"
To convince others
And then myself
And then others again
That I had a right to a little space
That I could one day find kinship
That the work was worth
This reward.
Turns out they were right all along
I'm too sensitive
And the words land
And land
Not like bombs
But like salt
On the earth of my soul
Each day the fertile land is smaller
And the desert larger
When my soul can't feed me
I dwindle
Until--
If I wanted to be here, what would I do?
I tried it all.
Fake it till you make it.
Change the world.
If you can't change the world change your circumstances.
Hold on, one day at a time.
Think of all those who love you.
I tried it all.
Just like you said.
But still here I am, wondering
If you wanted me to be here, what would I do?
