Melancholy Dip
Dec. 14th, 2004 09:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormAnd now I'm suddenly sad. Some of those mental habits are so hard to break. Do you know, I was joking about the sex-security bargain in our society just a little bit ago. Now, the actuality of my conditioning on it is catching up in a different context. I have no desire to stick out my breasts and compete with other women for attention. I do like dressing up, but not taking it to a competitive venue. Suddenly I have the feeling that this means I'm worthless -- if I don't compete and win, then I'll be left in favour people who are willing to claw their way to the front, and of course that being left makes me worthless.
This is probably sickness and late-night (yes, it's late) related. Still, I wish it would GO AWAY. There's a huge corner of my mind that just wants to leave the playground when I'm feeling like this. I hate losing, I would rather not play at all.
Often, the spectre of losing keeps me from things that I'd enjoy.
I absolutely detest the idea of winning/losing in sex or relationship-type situations. I hate that the idea is there, with that poisonous underlying points system, because I respond to it no matter how much I try.
Chris said the other day that he doesn't want to be chasing his relationships anymore, they're either there or they're not. I understand that statement so completely at times like this.
I've been trying to do too much lately while I'm sick. It's just prolonging this. I need to be sure to stay places where I can get to bed and sleep early and often-- and so I go out LARPing, go watch movies, and head to the Juggler's. There's that constant feeling of 'this is the chance' - Mouse comes back tomorrow so Juggler won't be available for awhile, Chris could only see the movie with me that night and is busy studying the rest of the time, the LARP happens once per month. So I've been pushing myself with the idea that things'll calm down shortly, but they just provide more once-only opportunities.
Bah. Elbow hurts, too much typing. Did get some stuff done on Chia, though. 'Nighto.
This is probably sickness and late-night (yes, it's late) related. Still, I wish it would GO AWAY. There's a huge corner of my mind that just wants to leave the playground when I'm feeling like this. I hate losing, I would rather not play at all.
Often, the spectre of losing keeps me from things that I'd enjoy.
I absolutely detest the idea of winning/losing in sex or relationship-type situations. I hate that the idea is there, with that poisonous underlying points system, because I respond to it no matter how much I try.
Chris said the other day that he doesn't want to be chasing his relationships anymore, they're either there or they're not. I understand that statement so completely at times like this.
I've been trying to do too much lately while I'm sick. It's just prolonging this. I need to be sure to stay places where I can get to bed and sleep early and often-- and so I go out LARPing, go watch movies, and head to the Juggler's. There's that constant feeling of 'this is the chance' - Mouse comes back tomorrow so Juggler won't be available for awhile, Chris could only see the movie with me that night and is busy studying the rest of the time, the LARP happens once per month. So I've been pushing myself with the idea that things'll calm down shortly, but they just provide more once-only opportunities.
Bah. Elbow hurts, too much typing. Did get some stuff done on Chia, though. 'Nighto.
