Meditation on Love, Redux
Aug. 20th, 2010 09:27 pmRobert Heinlein said "love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." It's the only Heinlein quote that's stuck with me.
The happiness of the people I love really is essential to my own; if one of them is unhappy I can't get it out of my head, it sticks and grates and interferes with whatever business I'm trying to go about. No one is happy all the time; we all have our peaks and our troughs. We can all better our own condition, though; we can try new things, we can reflect on ourselves and choose new courses for our lives. Through that we become, if not happier people, at least more satisfied, contented, fulfilled-- there's less of everything that compounds unhappiness into depression, despair, and apathy.
It's hard to start moving on that path, and hard to continue along it until you gain the skill and momentum to almost coast along until the occasional rough patch trips you up again. There are a couple signposts on that road that are significant to me, and I tend to steer people close to me in those directions. Embrace your passions; challenge yourself; be aware of your needs and wants; be kind to yourself sometimes; make only worthwhile sacrifices, and those only mindfully: that's what I have for advice, and I advise and support the people I care about in doing those things.
I've been doing a lot of cheerleading lately. Encouraging someone to do something they find difficult but worthwhile is really rewarding; my empathy kicks me in both directions and I'm along for the ride with all its ups and downs, but in the end no one ever fails by trying something they really want to do. It may be an experience of education and self-reflection rather than success at the stated goal, but those experiences are valuable and anyone I spend much time with finds them so in the end. So, I encourage. I would even say that being aware enough of people's lives to know when and what constitutes appropriate encouragement is one of my own challenges; it's something I work hard at, because somewhere in there is the centre of what I consider to be love.
In love I used to be, and perhaps still am, innately possessive. I have a desire to seal up my loved one in a box, to protect them from all harm but also to be sure they can't escape. The more I go along, the more that is countered by the desire to see people fulfill their own personalities and selves, to watch them grow more powerful and interesting with every step they take into their unique personalities. I love watching someone dear to me choose a challenge and best it; that can't be done in the safety of my box and the possibility of failure or even just collateral damage along with success is always present even for me, who's just along for the ride.
I am proud to say my possessiveness is not winning this fight; indeed though it's still very present it's more a ghost than a real consideration most days.
I was going to go somewhere with this; I was going to say something about love and loss, about setting free what you love, about how I probably lose out this way but how it's worth it. I'm suddenly very tired, though. I'm also curious about how you define love; I do so differently depending on situation. The kind of love I give my relationship partners could be defined fifty ways from Saturday and I wouldn't be any closer to pinning it down; this is one definition, but it layers on top of an incredible feeling of tenderness and openness; there is desire in there for physical, mental, and spiritual closeness; there is pride; there is warmth. Millions of poets have tried to pin love down in language and so I'll stop trying here, but tell me: what is it to you?
The happiness of the people I love really is essential to my own; if one of them is unhappy I can't get it out of my head, it sticks and grates and interferes with whatever business I'm trying to go about. No one is happy all the time; we all have our peaks and our troughs. We can all better our own condition, though; we can try new things, we can reflect on ourselves and choose new courses for our lives. Through that we become, if not happier people, at least more satisfied, contented, fulfilled-- there's less of everything that compounds unhappiness into depression, despair, and apathy.
It's hard to start moving on that path, and hard to continue along it until you gain the skill and momentum to almost coast along until the occasional rough patch trips you up again. There are a couple signposts on that road that are significant to me, and I tend to steer people close to me in those directions. Embrace your passions; challenge yourself; be aware of your needs and wants; be kind to yourself sometimes; make only worthwhile sacrifices, and those only mindfully: that's what I have for advice, and I advise and support the people I care about in doing those things.
I've been doing a lot of cheerleading lately. Encouraging someone to do something they find difficult but worthwhile is really rewarding; my empathy kicks me in both directions and I'm along for the ride with all its ups and downs, but in the end no one ever fails by trying something they really want to do. It may be an experience of education and self-reflection rather than success at the stated goal, but those experiences are valuable and anyone I spend much time with finds them so in the end. So, I encourage. I would even say that being aware enough of people's lives to know when and what constitutes appropriate encouragement is one of my own challenges; it's something I work hard at, because somewhere in there is the centre of what I consider to be love.
In love I used to be, and perhaps still am, innately possessive. I have a desire to seal up my loved one in a box, to protect them from all harm but also to be sure they can't escape. The more I go along, the more that is countered by the desire to see people fulfill their own personalities and selves, to watch them grow more powerful and interesting with every step they take into their unique personalities. I love watching someone dear to me choose a challenge and best it; that can't be done in the safety of my box and the possibility of failure or even just collateral damage along with success is always present even for me, who's just along for the ride.
I am proud to say my possessiveness is not winning this fight; indeed though it's still very present it's more a ghost than a real consideration most days.
I was going to go somewhere with this; I was going to say something about love and loss, about setting free what you love, about how I probably lose out this way but how it's worth it. I'm suddenly very tired, though. I'm also curious about how you define love; I do so differently depending on situation. The kind of love I give my relationship partners could be defined fifty ways from Saturday and I wouldn't be any closer to pinning it down; this is one definition, but it layers on top of an incredible feeling of tenderness and openness; there is desire in there for physical, mental, and spiritual closeness; there is pride; there is warmth. Millions of poets have tried to pin love down in language and so I'll stop trying here, but tell me: what is it to you?