(no subject)
Apr. 22nd, 2014 05:13 pmSometimes you make a mistake.
I don’t know if I have or not.
Here’s the thing: I’ve created my life around the idea that I want to include all the love in it, as much as possible, even if I have to learn something or grow a little to accept that love and how it’s presented. That doesn’t, of course, mean that every person I love must be included in my life. It does tend to mean that when there’s a warm, loving connection I’m willing to put work in to maintain it.
I did something today which betrayed that idea, because putting that work in was hard and sometimes made me feel uncertain and frustrated. I would perhaps like to add that I didn’t feel unloved, and maybe also not unimportant. Read like this it sounds like a mistake. Read another way, plainspoken and judged by prevailing social standards, it sounds like my decision was to stop begging at the grown-ups’ table, to gather to myself some shreds of self-respect.
How could the truth not lie somewhere completely different?
But, I am a machine made for loving people. I’ve chosen not to do that here. What, then, am I left with?
When I was younger I treated the bridging spark of connection with the awe and wonder due by someone who hadn’t experienced much of meaningful interpersonal connections. In more recent years, with school and bills and work and being busy and having connections that came to me more quietly, I had stopped reverencing those things. I’ve been out of the habit, now, of giving respect to those feelings. So today I disrespected them. Bolt of lightning from the gods, and I shrugged and criticized and walked away for self-protection. That’s what you do, right, walk away for self-protection?
It isn’t what I should do. I go towards the hard stuff. That’s how I learn. That’s also where the worthwhile bits are. There are certainly dances to do, bits of me to shield, hotspots to avoid, other commonsense and self-aware cautions to be applied.
What I should have done was chosen supportable boundaries, communicated them, and explored the vast space of connection on the near side of them, Instead I cut and run.
It's ironic that this person's constancy and desire to be certain of things regarding their people is what initiated this: something I need a person who loves me properly to understand, and clearly there is understanding there.
Aaaaaand, saying that, I feel pretty stupid. It was a decision I made under time pressure and pretty intense emotional distress, a bad time to make decisions anyhow.
But, my heart is bigger than this. So what now?
Maybe an apology? Maybe a day or two to sit on it?
Dear gods, I feel like a tantrum-throwing selfish dick.
I don’t know if I have or not.
Here’s the thing: I’ve created my life around the idea that I want to include all the love in it, as much as possible, even if I have to learn something or grow a little to accept that love and how it’s presented. That doesn’t, of course, mean that every person I love must be included in my life. It does tend to mean that when there’s a warm, loving connection I’m willing to put work in to maintain it.
I did something today which betrayed that idea, because putting that work in was hard and sometimes made me feel uncertain and frustrated. I would perhaps like to add that I didn’t feel unloved, and maybe also not unimportant. Read like this it sounds like a mistake. Read another way, plainspoken and judged by prevailing social standards, it sounds like my decision was to stop begging at the grown-ups’ table, to gather to myself some shreds of self-respect.
How could the truth not lie somewhere completely different?
But, I am a machine made for loving people. I’ve chosen not to do that here. What, then, am I left with?
When I was younger I treated the bridging spark of connection with the awe and wonder due by someone who hadn’t experienced much of meaningful interpersonal connections. In more recent years, with school and bills and work and being busy and having connections that came to me more quietly, I had stopped reverencing those things. I’ve been out of the habit, now, of giving respect to those feelings. So today I disrespected them. Bolt of lightning from the gods, and I shrugged and criticized and walked away for self-protection. That’s what you do, right, walk away for self-protection?
It isn’t what I should do. I go towards the hard stuff. That’s how I learn. That’s also where the worthwhile bits are. There are certainly dances to do, bits of me to shield, hotspots to avoid, other commonsense and self-aware cautions to be applied.
What I should have done was chosen supportable boundaries, communicated them, and explored the vast space of connection on the near side of them, Instead I cut and run.
It's ironic that this person's constancy and desire to be certain of things regarding their people is what initiated this: something I need a person who loves me properly to understand, and clearly there is understanding there.
Aaaaaand, saying that, I feel pretty stupid. It was a decision I made under time pressure and pretty intense emotional distress, a bad time to make decisions anyhow.
But, my heart is bigger than this. So what now?
Maybe an apology? Maybe a day or two to sit on it?
Dear gods, I feel like a tantrum-throwing selfish dick.