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A beginning is a delicate thing
Apr. 1st, 2020 08:33 amI have a couple sources of anxiety right now. COVID is, of course, one of them although my mom is behaving better than expected around it.
Another is that it's spiked down to -20 and I have a sow farrowing and I'm not quite sure where to put her.
Another is that I made a poor decision around substances -- I drank fully caffeinated tea yesterday, which I can sometimes get away with when I'm exercising a lot but not really right now.
And finally I'm doing a poly thing - Avi is up here for a week - and Tucker doesn't have his support people around because COVID. He'd also had some planned things this spring around events and people that had to be cancelled. So it's hard on him, and I'm definitely apprehensive about what it'll look like when Avi goes home. I've had enough partners that have been pretty awful to be after I go on dates and so nowadays I have this feeling of dread, of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I expect every bit of my behaviour to be picked apart and criticized in harsh terms, I expect to be not-touched and told I don't love anyone correctly. I definitely stayed in those relationships too long, to bear these scars. They're such common behaviours, though.
I know I won't be hearing "I love you" for at least a week on this one.
So I'm feeling wavery and jittery and unable to focus or sit still. Really I should go for a run but: -20 and snowy. Sigh.
I have been enjoying the videos I've been putting up on youtube, just a couple minutes of wandering around the farm chatting at the camera. Folks seem to enjoy spending the equivalent of a work coffee break with the animals, too.
Another is that it's spiked down to -20 and I have a sow farrowing and I'm not quite sure where to put her.
Another is that I made a poor decision around substances -- I drank fully caffeinated tea yesterday, which I can sometimes get away with when I'm exercising a lot but not really right now.
And finally I'm doing a poly thing - Avi is up here for a week - and Tucker doesn't have his support people around because COVID. He'd also had some planned things this spring around events and people that had to be cancelled. So it's hard on him, and I'm definitely apprehensive about what it'll look like when Avi goes home. I've had enough partners that have been pretty awful to be after I go on dates and so nowadays I have this feeling of dread, of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I expect every bit of my behaviour to be picked apart and criticized in harsh terms, I expect to be not-touched and told I don't love anyone correctly. I definitely stayed in those relationships too long, to bear these scars. They're such common behaviours, though.
I know I won't be hearing "I love you" for at least a week on this one.
So I'm feeling wavery and jittery and unable to focus or sit still. Really I should go for a run but: -20 and snowy. Sigh.
I have been enjoying the videos I've been putting up on youtube, just a couple minutes of wandering around the farm chatting at the camera. Folks seem to enjoy spending the equivalent of a work coffee break with the animals, too.
