The daily breakup: silence

Josh just left. We spent a week butchering pork and cooking and being in each others' presence. We didn't talk a ton about big topics. We didn't have sex, because I couldn't stop crying. Still he held me like he really cared, he paid attention and did kind things for me, and he brought me little gifts of observation and excitement. The part of me that was so, so broken healed a little.

When he arrived I still had some hope for the thing with Tucker. We were one misunderstanding in and we'd had some good communication. Maybe it would be a de-escalation but sometimes it felt like it could be hopeful.

Now I'm alone in my house and I'm not very hopeful. Maybe I'm not very hopeful since Tucker moved up here years ago. My animals love me. Outside the geese are honking companionably, speaking excitedly of apples that fall from the tree, and the ducklings are squeaking as they run a little too far from their mother, get frightened, and call her over. The tall cedar arch of the cathedral ceiling is quieter for the hum and tiny high note of the fridge. It will be silent like that for minutes as I type and my house is full only of me; then I'll cry, loudly as if no one was here to discipline me for it, and my house is still full of me. My feeling of self so often extends beyond the boundaries of my skin. My home often feels like an extension of me. This is the way of my being in the world.

My sadness fills the house and spills into the autumning garden. The plants slow and begin to yellow under so many cool nights. The wind gets everywhere and the sun is bright but holds no warmth except at highest noon, when it manages to be both too hot and too cold at once.

Avallu rolls onto his back for snuggles every time he sees me. The cats guard me from unseen monsters. A lost baby duckling climbs into my hair as I take it back to its mother.

I've never been here this alone before. More alone than if none of it had happened because I need to harden myself. I need to build ramparts and keep someone out and that is not how I usually go. I need to guard my heart, to demand payment in reliability and good behaviour before someone crosses the walls and gets in. Boundaries indeed. This should be a natural process. I should stop bending over and picking up things that he sets down. If I stop carrying it all, stop asking over and over is his input ready yet? Does he want this thing and that thing he's been neglecting to make happen? then I suspect he'd disappear into the sunset.

I went out, rescued a duckling, came back in. They keep getting separated from mom because they follow the wrong duck for a couple dozen feet. They'd probably be fine without me but it's good to be around something I know I can help.

Demon curled up at my knees and is purring. The aspen leaves make a silver sound, like small raindrops on a still lake. There are crows cawing from time to time and the roof creaks with the biggest gusts of wind.

The inside of the house feels like silence.

What do I need from any and all continuous relationships? Proactive work in creating and maintaining the relationship. If not that, then quickly and energetically responsive to shifts and tips.

Joy in the relationship and interest.

Intimacy.

The ability to set and reset accurate expectations as necessary.

Peace.

Scripts

Offered as advice to me today on the internet, my particulars in brackets to replace the given phrasing: "I’m not going to abandon you, but I cannot be both your caregiver (your relationship counselor) and your romantic partner. If you aren’t going to work on your mental health (relationship skills/relationship with me) and just need me as a support, I can do that but I won’t be able to do that and maintain the romantic aspects of our relationship"

Butcher's Tally

Now for something actually super great.

The guy came and killed/skinned/gutted 5 pigs last Saturday. I tossed a bunch of primals in the bathtub in ice to get the heat out, put some in the freezers (meat is insulative, so you can't pack too much in a freezer), and got to work. There are still maybe a dozen primals in the freezer -- mostly hams -- and there was a bunch of extra waste of bones and fat trim because I figure I had enough of some things for now. So:

Two dozen jars of concentrated tonkotsu stock
A dozen jars of Ellen's carnitas recipe, likely to make more
A bunch of thin-sliced ramen pork, maybe an oz or two per pkg
Several boxes of chops, mostly loin chops with about an inch to an inch and a half fatcap left on them but some leg steaks and sirlion chops
Many roasts, primarily picnic and leg roasts
A couple boxes of belly, uncured as yet
About ten pounds of ground in 1lb packages, likely to be added to
A box and a half of coppa and prosciuttini and three slabs of bacon in cure with sichuan peppercorn, juniper, whisky, and seville orange in varying amounts
A kilo and a half of "crack pork jerky" waiting for the dehydrator
A bunch of odd bits, ribs, tongues, kidneys, hearts, cheeks
Two jowls in cure and the rest untrimmed in the freezer waiting (those things take a lot of trimming, there are so many salivary glands in there)
A full 5-gallon bucket of soapmaking lard <3
40 or so portions of rendered leaf lard in single packages plus more to be packaged
10 kilos or so of sausage either in process (ground and waiting for casing) or in chunks waiting for grind
5 smoked and a couple unsmoked/uncured hocks

Additionally we smoked a bunch of bacon from the last butcher which had been in cure for long enough, and three prosciuttos and one lonzino. I need to drop my salt percentage a bit for the bacon, since it's eaten hot-- it's good for bacon sandwiches but a little too intense to eat on its own.

Plus we harvested most of the wheat, and I'd previously harvested my beauregarde soup peas. Although the peas were primarily a seed multiplication exercise, I have enough to make a small pot of pea soup from my hocks and my peas and my chive or onions. How amazing.

Some of my pepper plants are inside awaiting frost. I've been picking smallest unripe winter squash and eating them which: makes up for the bad zucchini year, encourages the remaining squash to grow better, and keeps them from being wasted by frost. Plus they're very dense and tasty, unlike zucchini which can sometimes be a bit squishy.

Mikado Black tomato is my new go-to black tomato. Very smoky tasting and it ripened!

Jory is starting to ripen, it's got nice big fruits. Unexpected and I'm interested to taste it.