Secret world
Mar. 24th, 2022 10:43 amToday the plan was to dig into how PDA, particularly, intersects with my burnout. I'm going to set that down though and just observe:
Last night Tucker spontaneously talked some about how his other relationships are going and it was really nice. He normally keeps this stuff really close to his chest so opening up like this was a chance for me to see and talk to, well, someone who's now spent a bunch of time doing poly stuff and is clear-sighted and able to think, talk, and draw conclusions about these dynamics. I don't get to talk to too many folks like that; for most people the closest they get is closing down their dyadic (or occasionally triadic) relationship after things are hard a couple times. Having conversations with folks who can see common patterns and talk about how things went down, what strategies to use next, which parts you just gotta swallow-- it feels like home. And I just like how he thinks about things, his sensibilities, his feel for the world, his not-quite-sense-of-humour but sense of fitness or irony or-- is there a word for that?
Whether he's comfortable talking to me more because he'll be gone soon and the stakes are lower or because he's been etching away at counseling and self-work I'll never know, but I'll take it.
Today someone said "I've started asking myself when I'm in a bad situation, what would an autistic person do? and it's really helped". In this case, what would I do? Well, I'd take the pieces of him he's willing to give me and go elsewhere for the needs he doesn't want to be part of filling. Conveniently, I have some folks auditioning for some of those needs, for day-to-day food & farm support -- A&E -- right now. And Josh is excited to have me living closer, and we're both excited for me to maybe live where we can go out boating together since ocean is such a huge part of his connection with the world. And that leaves room for me to open to what Tucker is willing to give without grasping, for my emotions to settle to the correct distance without trying to force it into an ill-fitting companionship.
Last night Tucker spontaneously talked some about how his other relationships are going and it was really nice. He normally keeps this stuff really close to his chest so opening up like this was a chance for me to see and talk to, well, someone who's now spent a bunch of time doing poly stuff and is clear-sighted and able to think, talk, and draw conclusions about these dynamics. I don't get to talk to too many folks like that; for most people the closest they get is closing down their dyadic (or occasionally triadic) relationship after things are hard a couple times. Having conversations with folks who can see common patterns and talk about how things went down, what strategies to use next, which parts you just gotta swallow-- it feels like home. And I just like how he thinks about things, his sensibilities, his feel for the world, his not-quite-sense-of-humour but sense of fitness or irony or-- is there a word for that?
Whether he's comfortable talking to me more because he'll be gone soon and the stakes are lower or because he's been etching away at counseling and self-work I'll never know, but I'll take it.
Today someone said "I've started asking myself when I'm in a bad situation, what would an autistic person do? and it's really helped". In this case, what would I do? Well, I'd take the pieces of him he's willing to give me and go elsewhere for the needs he doesn't want to be part of filling. Conveniently, I have some folks auditioning for some of those needs, for day-to-day food & farm support -- A&E -- right now. And Josh is excited to have me living closer, and we're both excited for me to maybe live where we can go out boating together since ocean is such a huge part of his connection with the world. And that leaves room for me to open to what Tucker is willing to give without grasping, for my emotions to settle to the correct distance without trying to force it into an ill-fitting companionship.