Angst - A Freewrite
Jun. 25th, 2007 07:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormWarning, random angst.
I'm not worried about him, I'm worried about you, Greenie, you're long term
People are looking at me differently now.
Maybe you're dressing differently?
I haven't bought any new clothes for ages. It's the tan, muscles, long hair, and blonde streak. I look like a factory-model sex object more than I used to. I'm more publically owned.
You woke up into pain this morning
Almost no one can do this to me. I think it's harder to be intimite with me now than it ever was.
I remember she said he was brilliant, and I was always so intimidated at first. I was scared to go into the room sometimes with him at first. Later on, I used to beg to spend time with him. Now the situation has been reversed for long enough that it isn't even strange anymore.
My body is happy from Grouse yesterday. It loved the climb. I had a good dinner to anchor me. It's been awhile since I felt this healthy. Blood is coming, is that where this pain comes from? Just hormonal?
Maybe, but those were harsh words. You've never seen him like this before. He's getting angry.
You're long-term
What does that even mean? Hasn't it been a long term?
Do I have to be constently shedding my past? Is that what this is all about? If I keep changing, do I just lose it?
What do I do now? Why so many questions? Is this a special case? People don't stay friends without understanding that I am this way. Should it be different for anyone else? Everyone else I know can deal with the flex of life.
How could your life not flex?
It hurts.
You have two weeks now.
Think on the answer.
You missed things while you were away in Kelowna. You miss things now, although they're not gone from you yet, not until you actually leave. Why must you do all your feeling in advance? What's so terrifying about slipping into a moment that you haven't yet worried about? Leave it. Be here. Remember climbing the mountain. It's one step. Then it's another. Your heart is good for it.
I'm so tired of this. Things just wear out if you press the same buttons over and over again. I don't want to carry extra burdens. I want to set them down.
I don't want it to be time.
Greenstorm, will you be okay?
I'm going down. I haven't been down there in awhile. I want to run away, and that seems like the only place I can go.
You woke up and it hurt this morning. Those words, this tension, all of it's sitting up there making you feel dark and miserable. Don't make decisions in the midst of this, and remember, it never lasts long. You can wait it out.
i used to call it an episode. I tracked it in lj. But... shouldn't I remove the things that trigger it.
Remember it afterwards, and make your decision then.
It's so hard to remember. My mind squirms away from it. It hurts.
It never lasts longer than two hours. You'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
Just needed to write, argh.
I'm not worried about him, I'm worried about you, Greenie, you're long term
People are looking at me differently now.
Maybe you're dressing differently?
I haven't bought any new clothes for ages. It's the tan, muscles, long hair, and blonde streak. I look like a factory-model sex object more than I used to. I'm more publically owned.
You woke up into pain this morning
Almost no one can do this to me. I think it's harder to be intimite with me now than it ever was.
I remember she said he was brilliant, and I was always so intimidated at first. I was scared to go into the room sometimes with him at first. Later on, I used to beg to spend time with him. Now the situation has been reversed for long enough that it isn't even strange anymore.
My body is happy from Grouse yesterday. It loved the climb. I had a good dinner to anchor me. It's been awhile since I felt this healthy. Blood is coming, is that where this pain comes from? Just hormonal?
Maybe, but those were harsh words. You've never seen him like this before. He's getting angry.
You're long-term
What does that even mean? Hasn't it been a long term?
Do I have to be constently shedding my past? Is that what this is all about? If I keep changing, do I just lose it?
What do I do now? Why so many questions? Is this a special case? People don't stay friends without understanding that I am this way. Should it be different for anyone else? Everyone else I know can deal with the flex of life.
How could your life not flex?
It hurts.
You have two weeks now.
Think on the answer.
You missed things while you were away in Kelowna. You miss things now, although they're not gone from you yet, not until you actually leave. Why must you do all your feeling in advance? What's so terrifying about slipping into a moment that you haven't yet worried about? Leave it. Be here. Remember climbing the mountain. It's one step. Then it's another. Your heart is good for it.
I'm so tired of this. Things just wear out if you press the same buttons over and over again. I don't want to carry extra burdens. I want to set them down.
I don't want it to be time.
Greenstorm, will you be okay?
I'm going down. I haven't been down there in awhile. I want to run away, and that seems like the only place I can go.
You woke up and it hurt this morning. Those words, this tension, all of it's sitting up there making you feel dark and miserable. Don't make decisions in the midst of this, and remember, it never lasts long. You can wait it out.
i used to call it an episode. I tracked it in lj. But... shouldn't I remove the things that trigger it.
Remember it afterwards, and make your decision then.
It's so hard to remember. My mind squirms away from it. It hurts.
It never lasts longer than two hours. You'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
Just needed to write, argh.
