You and I have never met in RL, and I don't comment here often, but I'm struggling with some body issues right now and your post really intrigued me.
My own background is that I have always been fat. While in school, I was also very unpopular and bullied, and whether the fat caused the bullying or was just a coincidence, fat became equated with unworthy in my eyes. About 10 years ago, I was able to take off about 50 pounds and suddenly my entire self-image changed. I suddenly saw myself as an attractive, capable, strong, and indomitable woman. Coincidentally (or not) I soon left my verbally abusive husband and started a brand new life in a brand new city.
Unfortunately, the particular eating program (hate the word diet, it's become meaningless through incorrect usage) that lost me that 50 pounds, also permanently damaged my ability to self-regulate; to eat when hungry, to stop when satisfied. It encouraged me to binge and then starve, and I've been doing so ever since. I've used various other weight loss programs (low-carb, Weight Watchers, Isagenix, Sacred Heart) to augment my starve/binge pattern. I am convinced that in my first 20 years of life ... the "fat years" ... I had more healthful eating habits than I have now. I've recently read that yo-yo weight gain/loss is actually far more risky than just keeping a stable weight, even if that weight is higher than normal, and that our idea of "fat people are unhealthy" actually comes from the fact that fat people are more likely to partake in yo-yo diets, and that is the real risk factor.
So here I am, mid-thirties, with a child to raise, faced with the task of teaching her to have a healthy relationship with food and with her body when I still have no idea how to do the same thing myself. I'm finally ready to call what I do 'disordered eating'. I'm wondering whether it's possible to love food and yet not be dependent on it, to enjoy it in a guilt-free way without damaging myself. I'm struggling with how to lose weight in a way that is both mentally and physically healthy, and whether I owe that to myself, or to my partner, or to my daughter, or to some combination. I know rationally that losing 15 pounds will do nothing to improve my health. I also know that it SHOULDN'T affect my sense of self-worth. Yet it's unthinkable that I would - that I *could* - just accept the body I'm in now - that would be lazy, that would be giving up. And at the root is the terror that if I accept this body, it will keep getting bigger.
"We project all the guilt for our broken food culture and food system onto the people who bear the most visually obvious symptoms of it." I think this is completely and utterly true. We create a culture of ridiculous food dependence and then we shame those who fall prey to it. I am so glad you posted all this, because it was fascinating to see into the mind, the thoughtful and self-reflective mind, of someone on the other side of the weight divide.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2011-06-10 04:24 pm (UTC)My own background is that I have always been fat. While in school, I was also very unpopular and bullied, and whether the fat caused the bullying or was just a coincidence, fat became equated with unworthy in my eyes. About 10 years ago, I was able to take off about 50 pounds and suddenly my entire self-image changed. I suddenly saw myself as an attractive, capable, strong, and indomitable woman. Coincidentally (or not) I soon left my verbally abusive husband and started a brand new life in a brand new city.
Unfortunately, the particular eating program (hate the word diet, it's become meaningless through incorrect usage) that lost me that 50 pounds, also permanently damaged my ability to self-regulate; to eat when hungry, to stop when satisfied. It encouraged me to binge and then starve, and I've been doing so ever since. I've used various other weight loss programs (low-carb, Weight Watchers, Isagenix, Sacred Heart) to augment my starve/binge pattern. I am convinced that in my first 20 years of life ... the "fat years" ... I had more healthful eating habits than I have now. I've recently read that yo-yo weight gain/loss is actually far more risky than just keeping a stable weight, even if that weight is higher than normal, and that our idea of "fat people are unhealthy" actually comes from the fact that fat people are more likely to partake in yo-yo diets, and that is the real risk factor.
So here I am, mid-thirties, with a child to raise, faced with the task of teaching her to have a healthy relationship with food and with her body when I still have no idea how to do the same thing myself. I'm finally ready to call what I do 'disordered eating'. I'm wondering whether it's possible to love food and yet not be dependent on it, to enjoy it in a guilt-free way without damaging myself. I'm struggling with how to lose weight in a way that is both mentally and physically healthy, and whether I owe that to myself, or to my partner, or to my daughter, or to some combination. I know rationally that losing 15 pounds will do nothing to improve my health. I also know that it SHOULDN'T affect my sense of self-worth. Yet it's unthinkable that I would - that I *could* - just accept the body I'm in now - that would be lazy, that would be giving up. And at the root is the terror that if I accept this body, it will keep getting bigger.
"We project all the guilt for our broken food culture and food system onto the people who bear the most visually obvious symptoms of it." I think this is completely and utterly true. We create a culture of ridiculous food dependence and then we shame those who fall prey to it. I am so glad you posted all this, because it was fascinating to see into the mind, the thoughtful and self-reflective mind, of someone on the other side of the weight divide.