Many of the items on that list speak to me as well, in that they are the messages I have often gotten from my lovers, short-term and long. My own list of biggies would look more like:
My standards for trustworthy/respectful behaviour from someone I'm having sex with are too high
I'm only good for a fling while waiting for a "real" relationship to come along
I am too "easy" with people I care about which is why I earn my own poor treatment
Lovers will never consider me worth it if I become less "easy" than I am
I should be uncomplaining and grateful for any scraps of emotional/sexual bonding I get with people other than my current long-term relationship, because I'm basically unattractive due to:
already being involved with a man I don't intend to leave
having anxiety and trust problems
being fat
not trying hard enough to appear more attractive
etc...
I'm just too emotionally fucked up to expect anyone in their right mind to want me
I will always be the "dirty little secret" if I ever get involved with anyone else apart from my current LTR because people are ashamed to admit to being involved with me
>I love people, plural, quite a lot, and that I want them to love me.
So very much this. My experiences throughout my life have too often shown me that loving too easily and too freely makes the recipients treat that love as if it is nothing to think of. It almost feels as if because I didn't make anyone work for it, I'm putting across the unspoken idea of "you don't have to act like this means anything." And when that tacit (mis)understanding comes across in their actions, it's like a knife in the gut, each time; when I realize that someone didn't think much of me at all, it triggers quite literally a shock reaction of the kind that numbs me all over and makes it incredibly difficult to remember what it felt like to trust them. It's...quite frightening to go through.
That makes it pretty difficult to continue to let myself love new people. I'm incredibly fortunate in that my long-term relationship is becoming more deeply and positively connected, because without that I quite probably wouldn't be able to think of life as being worth living at this moment. But it's hard to trust other people, even non-strangers, to treat my regard with the respect it's due, and I intensely miss feeling as if it's safe to fall in love.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2013-09-24 08:12 pm (UTC)- My standards for trustworthy/respectful behaviour from someone I'm having sex with are too high
- I'm only good for a fling while waiting for a "real" relationship to come along
- I am too "easy" with people I care about which is why I earn my own poor treatment
- Lovers will never consider me worth it if I become less "easy" than I am
- I should be uncomplaining and grateful for any scraps of emotional/sexual bonding I get with people other than my current long-term relationship, because I'm basically unattractive due to:
- already being involved with a man I don't intend to leave
- having anxiety and trust problems
- being fat
- not trying hard enough to appear more attractive
- etc...
- I'm just too emotionally fucked up to expect anyone in their right mind to want me
- I will always be the "dirty little secret" if I ever get involved with anyone else apart from my current LTR because people are ashamed to admit to being involved with me
>I love people, plural, quite a lot, and that I want them to love me.So very much this. My experiences throughout my life have too often shown me that loving too easily and too freely makes the recipients treat that love as if it is nothing to think of. It almost feels as if because I didn't make anyone work for it, I'm putting across the unspoken idea of "you don't have to act like this means anything." And when that tacit (mis)understanding comes across in their actions, it's like a knife in the gut, each time; when I realize that someone didn't think much of me at all, it triggers quite literally a shock reaction of the kind that numbs me all over and makes it incredibly difficult to remember what it felt like to trust them. It's...quite frightening to go through.
That makes it pretty difficult to continue to let myself love new people. I'm incredibly fortunate in that my long-term relationship is becoming more deeply and positively connected, because without that I quite probably wouldn't be able to think of life as being worth living at this moment. But it's hard to trust other people, even non-strangers, to treat my regard with the respect it's due, and I intensely miss feeling as if it's safe to fall in love.