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greenstormWell. I'm back alive again. One of the weirdest parts of being triggered in that way is that I lose the time. If I try to remember back to last week I get a handful of moments but very little else.
This is how I lost most of my tens, teens, and early-to-mid twenties. I thought PTSD was something that happened to folks who'd had real bad things occur to them as opposed to the merely unpleasant or even normal things that had happened to me. Relating to other humans (especially my family in the tend to teens) left me really frequently in at least a semi-triggered state, or just recovering. I lost a lot of memories.
I'm starting to come to terms with my movement wounds. Moving more-or-less every six months for 15 years for essentially financial reasons (and relationship reasons, but financial reasons underlay those) left some essential part of me shut down. Last week those parts rose up and shut all of me down, but they must have been ambient for a long time because... there's a sense of self, of really existing, that I've had here lately and that I remember from early Vancouver with my first couple homes.
I still need to address the past damage, defuse the triggers, but it's amazing to exist so firmly in the world again. I did some intense physical labour last night, some intense yoga this morning, I'm trying to eat again a couple times a day, and I feel ok again. It's good to feel ok. Some moments I suspect I'm even back to being happy.
This is how I lost most of my tens, teens, and early-to-mid twenties. I thought PTSD was something that happened to folks who'd had real bad things occur to them as opposed to the merely unpleasant or even normal things that had happened to me. Relating to other humans (especially my family in the tend to teens) left me really frequently in at least a semi-triggered state, or just recovering. I lost a lot of memories.
I'm starting to come to terms with my movement wounds. Moving more-or-less every six months for 15 years for essentially financial reasons (and relationship reasons, but financial reasons underlay those) left some essential part of me shut down. Last week those parts rose up and shut all of me down, but they must have been ambient for a long time because... there's a sense of self, of really existing, that I've had here lately and that I remember from early Vancouver with my first couple homes.
I still need to address the past damage, defuse the triggers, but it's amazing to exist so firmly in the world again. I did some intense physical labour last night, some intense yoga this morning, I'm trying to eat again a couple times a day, and I feel ok again. It's good to feel ok. Some moments I suspect I'm even back to being happy.
