It's... the situation is such a trainwreck. Since he started poking at the concept of autism and introduced me to it I've been joking that if autism is basically defined by having a number of traits either extra strongly or extra weakly, he and I are basically on opposite ends of all the ones in which we're divergent from the norm. We definitely have such different base philosophies and I think a very different concept of other people.
Other folks' actions and words can be interpreted so differently. I know he tried harder than he should have to make me happy and comfortable; the things he did just weren't what I needed. In turn I did the same, and with the same result.
Another frame on this is: I personally know what it's like to get caught up in an emotional thing and be unable to do what I'd promised. I learned through some really rough experiences to never promise something I couldn't do, but someone missing a thing isn't, in itself, a dealbreaker or unforgiveable. It also took me a long, long time to stop making those bad promises because there isn't a model for it: the world doesn't have stories in which you actually don't have the ability to notice time passing, or to make words , in order to meet a deadline for connection with a partner. Your partner is always supposed to be the center of your being. So if we're late for something and say "oh, I got into a car crash" that's acceptable, but if we're late for something and say "I was emotionally overwhelmed and lost track of time" that's seen as having a terrible character and not really caring. So Tucker and I have very similar experiences here!
Except that he comes from a place where telling someone about the whys is dangerous, and listening to someone say why it hurt them is their rubbing salt in the wound of his failure. He comes from a place where no one gets their nose rubbed in how they hurt other people, and as soon as they know they have they just... amputate that part of themselves so they can't do the same thing, hurt people in the same way, again. I come from a place where telling someone why I did something helps them understand that it's not about them personally, and listening to someone say why it hurt them is a way of comforting them and making it better through helping them feel seen and validated. I come from a place where information is exchanged and we understand, commiserate, and try to find a way for both folks' needs to coexist better in the future.
He probably needs to not promise times to talk to me when he's away unless he's willing to set an actual factual phone alarm or something. And he probably needs to be more careful with telling me he'll do a thing even kind of casually when he's away. In turn, right now because I have so little trust in him I'm feeling ultra rigid; when in the normal course of trust with a partner I could ride the waves right now I need him to perform extra reliably. Which, of course, he's been pushing himself past his ability to do for the past couple years. For me the trust could be restored by talking about it and being seen; for him the trust could be restored by my not picking at (talking about) every little thing.
So basically I don't think he's a jerk. He works differently than me, he has basically the least helpful internal model of other people possible for being in a relationship with me, and what feeds me drains him and vice versa so we're both running on empty. Plus he does these infrequent mega-vacations which are high stakes for both of us; working with a local partner where there were shorter, more frequent absences would be so much easier for many reasons, not least of which is that we could do clean iterations where nothing went wrong.
Then again, I don't think he'd put in the work I just put in during this comment, analyzing how I think and how he does, making sure he's thought through several narratives, chosen one compassionate to all parties, and coming into conversation with that level of analytical empathy and structural analysis. Unfortunately if that makes him a jerk I know a whole lot of jerks.
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Date: 2021-08-20 04:05 pm (UTC)Other folks' actions and words can be interpreted so differently. I know he tried harder than he should have to make me happy and comfortable; the things he did just weren't what I needed. In turn I did the same, and with the same result.
Another frame on this is: I personally know what it's like to get caught up in an emotional thing and be unable to do what I'd promised. I learned through some really rough experiences to never promise something I couldn't do, but someone missing a thing isn't, in itself, a dealbreaker or unforgiveable. It also took me a long, long time to stop making those bad promises because there isn't a model for it: the world doesn't have stories in which you actually don't have the ability to notice time passing, or to make words , in order to meet a deadline for connection with a partner. Your partner is always supposed to be the center of your being. So if we're late for something and say "oh, I got into a car crash" that's acceptable, but if we're late for something and say "I was emotionally overwhelmed and lost track of time" that's seen as having a terrible character and not really caring. So Tucker and I have very similar experiences here!
Except that he comes from a place where telling someone about the whys is dangerous, and listening to someone say why it hurt them is their rubbing salt in the wound of his failure. He comes from a place where no one gets their nose rubbed in how they hurt other people, and as soon as they know they have they just... amputate that part of themselves so they can't do the same thing, hurt people in the same way, again. I come from a place where telling someone why I did something helps them understand that it's not about them personally, and listening to someone say why it hurt them is a way of comforting them and making it better through helping them feel seen and validated. I come from a place where information is exchanged and we understand, commiserate, and try to find a way for both folks' needs to coexist better in the future.
He probably needs to not promise times to talk to me when he's away unless he's willing to set an actual factual phone alarm or something. And he probably needs to be more careful with telling me he'll do a thing even kind of casually when he's away. In turn, right now because I have so little trust in him I'm feeling ultra rigid; when in the normal course of trust with a partner I could ride the waves right now I need him to perform extra reliably. Which, of course, he's been pushing himself past his ability to do for the past couple years. For me the trust could be restored by talking about it and being seen; for him the trust could be restored by my not picking at (talking about) every little thing.
So basically I don't think he's a jerk. He works differently than me, he has basically the least helpful internal model of other people possible for being in a relationship with me, and what feeds me drains him and vice versa so we're both running on empty. Plus he does these infrequent mega-vacations which are high stakes for both of us; working with a local partner where there were shorter, more frequent absences would be so much easier for many reasons, not least of which is that we could do clean iterations where nothing went wrong.
Then again, I don't think he'd put in the work I just put in during this comment, analyzing how I think and how he does, making sure he's thought through several narratives, chosen one compassionate to all parties, and coming into conversation with that level of analytical empathy and structural analysis. Unfortunately if that makes him a jerk I know a whole lot of jerks.