Head over Heels
Feb. 19th, 2019 08:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormRemember when I said things were starting to move again?
Well, they're howling along.
Josh is moving away. Tucker moved up here. Someone I was seeing last summer has, I think, gone no-contact without a heads-up not too many days after saying "hey, let's be friends, you know you can talk to me about things if they're rough".
My neighbours a couple down, from I think 2 houses, came over drunk at 10pm and yelled that they would shoot my dog if he was on their property again.
I taught a soap workshop to some friends and it was fun. My ossabaw pigs have arrived from 1000km and 2 ferries away. I'm starting to separate birds into breeding pens. The hard cold broke (for now) and instead of -20 and -30 last night was a balmy -10. The new pigs barely had to snuggle into the straw to keep warm except for the tiny 8-week-old boar.
Between the dogs and the pigs I expect I'll have some intellectual challenges; "no fence-breaking ever" is a much tougher bar than "occasional fence-breaking" and it means I have to be smarter, and have contingencies, for everything. Complicating things, electric fence has a tendency to make my type of dogs aggressive (their mind is wired to make them try to drive away threats and harms, so if they get hurt when they go up to the fence, and they go up to the fence when there are people/pigs/cars, then they associate people/pigs/cars with harm. That can be deadly).
I had a really hard weekend for mental health this weekend. I was basically paralyzed for a day except for the stuff I really needed to do to get the pigs' stuff ready. There were a couple triggers going on - yelling and threats of violence are definitely difficult for me to handle, and this is the first time that's happened on my property. I want to navigate the no-contact thing with respect for this person's consent, and I'd also like to know what's going on; if I try every avenue to contact him when he clearly doesn't want to be contacted I'm definitely violating his indicated wishes, but at the same time I kind of expect him to pop up in the future and say "you didn't try hard enough to contact me, I guess you didn't really care". That, of course, hits the "if you really loved me you would perform it in X way [usually by having no other partners]" button. And then I fucked up my shoulder and I was getting pigs and I had to rely on Tucker to help assemble the pig barn, which is hard. I hate relying on other people for a project that is honestly mine, it makes me feel inadequate. Animals are a lot of work and other people shouldn't need to do stuff for me just because I want to keep them.
On the other hand I had that nice workshop, Tucker is settled in enough that I could go to his place to visit, we had some lovely date time, it's getting warmer, and I'm making progress at work. Tucker and I agreed to wear each others' necklaces for another year, I guess sort of like a handfasting? and we talked a bunch abotu stuff. I also improvised an amazing chicken-rose pasta sauce and my dogs still love me. The baby boar is ultra cute, which will be a challenge since I can't have him getting touchy-feely which means I can't snuggle him. I have some time on my own coming up next week so I can write, sew, and talk to the animals.
But I was definitely nonfunctional on Sunday, and I think it's time to get more serious about dealing with that.
Well, they're howling along.
Josh is moving away. Tucker moved up here. Someone I was seeing last summer has, I think, gone no-contact without a heads-up not too many days after saying "hey, let's be friends, you know you can talk to me about things if they're rough".
My neighbours a couple down, from I think 2 houses, came over drunk at 10pm and yelled that they would shoot my dog if he was on their property again.
I taught a soap workshop to some friends and it was fun. My ossabaw pigs have arrived from 1000km and 2 ferries away. I'm starting to separate birds into breeding pens. The hard cold broke (for now) and instead of -20 and -30 last night was a balmy -10. The new pigs barely had to snuggle into the straw to keep warm except for the tiny 8-week-old boar.
Between the dogs and the pigs I expect I'll have some intellectual challenges; "no fence-breaking ever" is a much tougher bar than "occasional fence-breaking" and it means I have to be smarter, and have contingencies, for everything. Complicating things, electric fence has a tendency to make my type of dogs aggressive (their mind is wired to make them try to drive away threats and harms, so if they get hurt when they go up to the fence, and they go up to the fence when there are people/pigs/cars, then they associate people/pigs/cars with harm. That can be deadly).
I had a really hard weekend for mental health this weekend. I was basically paralyzed for a day except for the stuff I really needed to do to get the pigs' stuff ready. There were a couple triggers going on - yelling and threats of violence are definitely difficult for me to handle, and this is the first time that's happened on my property. I want to navigate the no-contact thing with respect for this person's consent, and I'd also like to know what's going on; if I try every avenue to contact him when he clearly doesn't want to be contacted I'm definitely violating his indicated wishes, but at the same time I kind of expect him to pop up in the future and say "you didn't try hard enough to contact me, I guess you didn't really care". That, of course, hits the "if you really loved me you would perform it in X way [usually by having no other partners]" button. And then I fucked up my shoulder and I was getting pigs and I had to rely on Tucker to help assemble the pig barn, which is hard. I hate relying on other people for a project that is honestly mine, it makes me feel inadequate. Animals are a lot of work and other people shouldn't need to do stuff for me just because I want to keep them.
On the other hand I had that nice workshop, Tucker is settled in enough that I could go to his place to visit, we had some lovely date time, it's getting warmer, and I'm making progress at work. Tucker and I agreed to wear each others' necklaces for another year, I guess sort of like a handfasting? and we talked a bunch abotu stuff. I also improvised an amazing chicken-rose pasta sauce and my dogs still love me. The baby boar is ultra cute, which will be a challenge since I can't have him getting touchy-feely which means I can't snuggle him. I have some time on my own coming up next week so I can write, sew, and talk to the animals.
But I was definitely nonfunctional on Sunday, and I think it's time to get more serious about dealing with that.
