No, actually say what you mean
Mar. 24th, 2021 04:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormSome of my philosophical relationship underpinnings:
The upset feelings of a partner are not a cause for termination of relationships with other partners, friends, or family. Those upset feelings are taken seriously because of care and empathy, but actually or functionally ending other relationships is not seen as a valid option to address them. If a partner is so upset and unable to come to find some way to handle someone's free choice of association it's a compatibility issue, the same way as someone unable to come to terms with a choice of career or the identity of a parent or sibling would be.
Change is inevitable. The relationship is structured in such a way to not just tolerate change but to optimize and re-optimize in the face of changing structures. Ways of relating try not just to tolerate change but even welcome it.
Growth and self-exploration are supported and celebrated. Fundamentally this can't exist without tolerance to change in a relationship. Self-knowledge is a triumph in a world that encourages conformity but contains diversity. Sometimes new self-knowledge will impact logistics or relationship structure. There's room for feelings around that without minimizing how important it is for folks to better shape their lives to fit their own selves.
Effects are important. No matter what was intended, real outcomes of behaviour are acknowledged.
Intentions are important. No matter what the outcome, partners must trust each other not to act from maliciousness or intent to damage. This can take real work for me.
Self-awareness is a key responsibility of everyone involved. Repeated patterns don't get brushed off dismissively, but instead get interrogated. Big emotions get noted and considered. Thoughtlessness does not excuse behaviour once it's noted.
We're on a team. There isn't a sense of victory over a partner when we get them to do something they're reluctant to, nor a sense losses on our part where our partner is "winning". If these emotions arise frequently there's something serious going on and there might be a structural problem. Sorry, but the way mainstream couples talk about each other is abhorrent.
Every assumption of what belongs in a relationship can be interrogated. Not everything will be discarded, but there is always room to ask "I've always assumed this comes with a relationship, do we need this?" and honestly make space for the answer.
Very little of this works without shared goals. Shared goals do not need to be normative. Going for dinner once a week but not living together can be a shared goal. Most of my shared goals revolve around still relating to someone many years from now, in a place we're both happy. I also like short-term shared goals, like making crepes for brunch next weekend. Some of my goals even don't revolve around food, heh.
Goal-setting is best done openly and consensually, and not assumed.
Partners must feel loved and secure most of the time. Otherwise what's the point? Good ratios of the good stuff to the bad stuff are important.
Relationship ending or change is not a failure, and is expected.
Sex doesn't automatically create priority with someone. Senority doesn't automatically create priority with someone. Bigger or more performative pain doesn't automatically create priority with someone.
A sense of equality really, really helps. Pedestals and contempt don't serve intimacy.
The upset feelings of a partner are not a cause for termination of relationships with other partners, friends, or family. Those upset feelings are taken seriously because of care and empathy, but actually or functionally ending other relationships is not seen as a valid option to address them. If a partner is so upset and unable to come to find some way to handle someone's free choice of association it's a compatibility issue, the same way as someone unable to come to terms with a choice of career or the identity of a parent or sibling would be.
Change is inevitable. The relationship is structured in such a way to not just tolerate change but to optimize and re-optimize in the face of changing structures. Ways of relating try not just to tolerate change but even welcome it.
Growth and self-exploration are supported and celebrated. Fundamentally this can't exist without tolerance to change in a relationship. Self-knowledge is a triumph in a world that encourages conformity but contains diversity. Sometimes new self-knowledge will impact logistics or relationship structure. There's room for feelings around that without minimizing how important it is for folks to better shape their lives to fit their own selves.
Effects are important. No matter what was intended, real outcomes of behaviour are acknowledged.
Intentions are important. No matter what the outcome, partners must trust each other not to act from maliciousness or intent to damage. This can take real work for me.
Self-awareness is a key responsibility of everyone involved. Repeated patterns don't get brushed off dismissively, but instead get interrogated. Big emotions get noted and considered. Thoughtlessness does not excuse behaviour once it's noted.
We're on a team. There isn't a sense of victory over a partner when we get them to do something they're reluctant to, nor a sense losses on our part where our partner is "winning". If these emotions arise frequently there's something serious going on and there might be a structural problem. Sorry, but the way mainstream couples talk about each other is abhorrent.
Every assumption of what belongs in a relationship can be interrogated. Not everything will be discarded, but there is always room to ask "I've always assumed this comes with a relationship, do we need this?" and honestly make space for the answer.
Very little of this works without shared goals. Shared goals do not need to be normative. Going for dinner once a week but not living together can be a shared goal. Most of my shared goals revolve around still relating to someone many years from now, in a place we're both happy. I also like short-term shared goals, like making crepes for brunch next weekend. Some of my goals even don't revolve around food, heh.
Goal-setting is best done openly and consensually, and not assumed.
Partners must feel loved and secure most of the time. Otherwise what's the point? Good ratios of the good stuff to the bad stuff are important.
Relationship ending or change is not a failure, and is expected.
Sex doesn't automatically create priority with someone. Senority doesn't automatically create priority with someone. Bigger or more performative pain doesn't automatically create priority with someone.
A sense of equality really, really helps. Pedestals and contempt don't serve intimacy.
