"I love you on purpose"
Jun. 23rd, 2022 12:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThis is what I'm missing in my life right now. There was a meme floating around with the phrase "I love you on purpose".
I've always had a battle with the way I needed to make myself convenient for someone (some masking, but not only that) for them to keep giving me care. Making life easier for people is a huge love language for me, and it's always been hard to disentangle folks who find me easy and pleasant to have in their life from ones who actually are willing to stay in my life with intention.
Moving up North was such a departure from being convenient. It was amazing to see who stayed, and who left. During the pandemic a lot of contact suddenly became easy or convenient again, everyone was online and Tucker figured he might as well stay up here since there wasn't much to do down there. Now that contact isn't convenient again and things can be let to lapse.
I've always been intentional about my connections. Most folks aren't. Most folks "fall" in love, not to say love isn't its own blessing given but it's sure possible to control the depth. Then because folks are in love they do a bunch of random stuff that feels good but isn't necessarily designed to support the well-being of that love, the longevity of it, the best interests of any of the people involved. So I guess to distinguish between the emotion of love and the action of love, a lot of folks don't sit themselves down and think through what loving someone on purpose -- with purpose -- looks like. It's an emotional accident that dictates actions and there's no volition involved.
Sure it's nice to have someone have emotions towards me, but what I need right now is that purpose. It's something I know I have from Josh; he will make the connection happen, and do what it takes to maintain it. I'm not sure how much I have it from anyone else in my life right now; I think not so much.
It is, I suppose, what I am looking for from the folks who I'll be emotionally intimate with: I don't need it from everyone, but I need it from some folks, and until the deficit is made up I need to keep my distance from everyone else because I resent not having it from them.
I've always had a battle with the way I needed to make myself convenient for someone (some masking, but not only that) for them to keep giving me care. Making life easier for people is a huge love language for me, and it's always been hard to disentangle folks who find me easy and pleasant to have in their life from ones who actually are willing to stay in my life with intention.
Moving up North was such a departure from being convenient. It was amazing to see who stayed, and who left. During the pandemic a lot of contact suddenly became easy or convenient again, everyone was online and Tucker figured he might as well stay up here since there wasn't much to do down there. Now that contact isn't convenient again and things can be let to lapse.
I've always been intentional about my connections. Most folks aren't. Most folks "fall" in love, not to say love isn't its own blessing given but it's sure possible to control the depth. Then because folks are in love they do a bunch of random stuff that feels good but isn't necessarily designed to support the well-being of that love, the longevity of it, the best interests of any of the people involved. So I guess to distinguish between the emotion of love and the action of love, a lot of folks don't sit themselves down and think through what loving someone on purpose -- with purpose -- looks like. It's an emotional accident that dictates actions and there's no volition involved.
Sure it's nice to have someone have emotions towards me, but what I need right now is that purpose. It's something I know I have from Josh; he will make the connection happen, and do what it takes to maintain it. I'm not sure how much I have it from anyone else in my life right now; I think not so much.
It is, I suppose, what I am looking for from the folks who I'll be emotionally intimate with: I don't need it from everyone, but I need it from some folks, and until the deficit is made up I need to keep my distance from everyone else because I resent not having it from them.
