Owning Up?
Aug. 27th, 2004 11:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormOkay. So I chose to engage in something emotionally risky with someone who told me the maximum amount of time he could 'promise' to allocate to me in the next two weeks totals two hours.
Now I'm feeling uncertain, lonely, and just generally crappy. I called him to ask if we could talk for a bit, and he basically said: I'm already giving you two hours, I don't have time to discuss this now, no negotiations, hey you're still listening to me, I told you to hang up.
There's no real way around the fact that I got myself into this situation. I could have chosen not to engage in the behaviours, and then when I had this (natural) low I would not have gone down so far. My guess is that (I hate to say this) he would have had time to negotiate before we went ahead with it, cause, well, something he wanted was at stake. Maybe this is fair, maybe not.
My 'boundaries' in relationships are crappy. If there's a little chance of something being good, and a big chance of me being hurt, I go for it. I've got over the sex part of that, but emotionally I still feel it necessary to leave myself vulnerable to people -- to everyone, really, anyone on the street included, but people on the street compliment me, they don't hurt me.
Does it make sense to trust the random people on the street to be nice to me, but not people I feel romantic towards? Why do I have friends who'll go out of their way for me when I'm upset, but relationships who run the other way as soon as any sadness/unhappiness surfaces on my part -- even if it's not unhappiness about them? Am -I- doing something wrong here? I mean, it would seem so, right?
Now I'm feeling uncertain, lonely, and just generally crappy. I called him to ask if we could talk for a bit, and he basically said: I'm already giving you two hours, I don't have time to discuss this now, no negotiations, hey you're still listening to me, I told you to hang up.
There's no real way around the fact that I got myself into this situation. I could have chosen not to engage in the behaviours, and then when I had this (natural) low I would not have gone down so far. My guess is that (I hate to say this) he would have had time to negotiate before we went ahead with it, cause, well, something he wanted was at stake. Maybe this is fair, maybe not.
My 'boundaries' in relationships are crappy. If there's a little chance of something being good, and a big chance of me being hurt, I go for it. I've got over the sex part of that, but emotionally I still feel it necessary to leave myself vulnerable to people -- to everyone, really, anyone on the street included, but people on the street compliment me, they don't hurt me.
Does it make sense to trust the random people on the street to be nice to me, but not people I feel romantic towards? Why do I have friends who'll go out of their way for me when I'm upset, but relationships who run the other way as soon as any sadness/unhappiness surfaces on my part -- even if it's not unhappiness about them? Am -I- doing something wrong here? I mean, it would seem so, right?
