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Jan. 11th, 2025 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI broke up with Tucker this morning.
It was just one too many unkindnessess. He had hid from me until not long before that he was going to a kink conference with his other girlfriend - a conference that he said he didn't want to attend with me because he didn't trust me, but that he wanted to work on trusting me.
I said, look, this is going to be a hard weekend for me because of the you going with someone else and because of the keeping it from me until the last minute so we don't have a chance to talk about it much, so I need to either go radio dark or have support by calling each other to chat during the weekend.
He said, let's keep in touch during it.
I said, are you sure? It'll be a busy weekend, a lot's going on, I'll be upset and want to hear comforting things, I only want to do this if you're sure you can be there for me.
I'll be there for you, he said.
At the appointed time he sent me a message saying he needed to take time for downtime. I waited for him to say he was ready to talk, but he didn't answer. Over the next couple hours I sent several messages saying, basically, what's up, you'd said we'd talk, are you ok, and then moving into, dude, what's going on, did you stand me up?
He said he was sorry that had happened, but he too busy to talk.
This morning I asked what was up, he said that "he needed downtime" earlier actually meant it was time to talk but that when I didn't answer he went and did other stuff without following up or clarifying. He said that when the issue was noticed it was more important to him to attend the rest of the conference that night than to talk with me even to just verbally apologize.
It's a level of thoughtlessness and unkindness I just didn't deserve. This isn't a matter of him not knowing -- I told him, this would be hard for me, here are some options. He chose his option. Then he didn't take care with it. He didn't take care with me.
And every time I've felt safe and comfortable with him he'll do something like this. It's such a ride, and I have enough rides in my life right now.
So we're going to talk on the 16th to wrap up loose ends and decide whether we're going to try and continue some kind of contact or friendship, because he has the conference today and his tattoo on Tuesday and I go in front of the disability police (and my counselor, thank goodness) on Monday.
It's been a long time coming. It was nice to be with someone who was really poly at his core, but we don't share enough other relationship values. And his slowly distancing himself in increments without discussing it first, it's been hard. So it's time, I guess.
Of course I'm going to wonder what if things had been a little different, and of course I'm going to regret that huge long history and so much work put into it on both sides just slipping away like this. And of course I'm going to miss him.
I wish I could wish him and his girlfriend picking up norovirus at the kink conference and then having to deal with it in his one bathroom apartment but I can't. I'm just sad. I'm glad I've been doing my poem a day (I should bundle them up over here at some point) because it's been really good for me, and glad that I have some pottery teaching classes lined up. I need to reach out to some friends, I guess.
I want to go to something I can be surrounded by likeminded people I don't already know. There's a wood firing kiln workshop in Minnesota. I'm sure there are garden things around. I think firemaker is happening? There's a lot of body stuff to think about, covid and ability, for anything like that. They're all outside and camping at least.
Siri has come to tell me to rest. I'll do so. What a sad thing to have to record.
It was just one too many unkindnessess. He had hid from me until not long before that he was going to a kink conference with his other girlfriend - a conference that he said he didn't want to attend with me because he didn't trust me, but that he wanted to work on trusting me.
I said, look, this is going to be a hard weekend for me because of the you going with someone else and because of the keeping it from me until the last minute so we don't have a chance to talk about it much, so I need to either go radio dark or have support by calling each other to chat during the weekend.
He said, let's keep in touch during it.
I said, are you sure? It'll be a busy weekend, a lot's going on, I'll be upset and want to hear comforting things, I only want to do this if you're sure you can be there for me.
I'll be there for you, he said.
At the appointed time he sent me a message saying he needed to take time for downtime. I waited for him to say he was ready to talk, but he didn't answer. Over the next couple hours I sent several messages saying, basically, what's up, you'd said we'd talk, are you ok, and then moving into, dude, what's going on, did you stand me up?
He said he was sorry that had happened, but he too busy to talk.
This morning I asked what was up, he said that "he needed downtime" earlier actually meant it was time to talk but that when I didn't answer he went and did other stuff without following up or clarifying. He said that when the issue was noticed it was more important to him to attend the rest of the conference that night than to talk with me even to just verbally apologize.
It's a level of thoughtlessness and unkindness I just didn't deserve. This isn't a matter of him not knowing -- I told him, this would be hard for me, here are some options. He chose his option. Then he didn't take care with it. He didn't take care with me.
And every time I've felt safe and comfortable with him he'll do something like this. It's such a ride, and I have enough rides in my life right now.
So we're going to talk on the 16th to wrap up loose ends and decide whether we're going to try and continue some kind of contact or friendship, because he has the conference today and his tattoo on Tuesday and I go in front of the disability police (and my counselor, thank goodness) on Monday.
It's been a long time coming. It was nice to be with someone who was really poly at his core, but we don't share enough other relationship values. And his slowly distancing himself in increments without discussing it first, it's been hard. So it's time, I guess.
Of course I'm going to wonder what if things had been a little different, and of course I'm going to regret that huge long history and so much work put into it on both sides just slipping away like this. And of course I'm going to miss him.
I wish I could wish him and his girlfriend picking up norovirus at the kink conference and then having to deal with it in his one bathroom apartment but I can't. I'm just sad. I'm glad I've been doing my poem a day (I should bundle them up over here at some point) because it's been really good for me, and glad that I have some pottery teaching classes lined up. I need to reach out to some friends, I guess.
I want to go to something I can be surrounded by likeminded people I don't already know. There's a wood firing kiln workshop in Minnesota. I'm sure there are garden things around. I think firemaker is happening? There's a lot of body stuff to think about, covid and ability, for anything like that. They're all outside and camping at least.
Siri has come to tell me to rest. I'll do so. What a sad thing to have to record.
