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Jan. 11th, 2025 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI broke up with Tucker this morning.
It was just one too many unkindnessess. He had hid from me until not long before that he was going to a kink conference with his other girlfriend - a conference that he said he didn't want to attend with me because he didn't trust me, but that he wanted to work on trusting me.
I said, look, this is going to be a hard weekend for me because of the you going with someone else and because of the keeping it from me until the last minute so we don't have a chance to talk about it much, so I need to either go radio dark or have support by calling each other to chat during the weekend.
He said, let's keep in touch during it.
I said, are you sure? It'll be a busy weekend, a lot's going on, I'll be upset and want to hear comforting things, I only want to do this if you're sure you can be there for me.
I'll be there for you, he said.
At the appointed time he sent me a message saying he needed to take time for downtime. I waited for him to say he was ready to talk, but he didn't answer. Over the next couple hours I sent several messages saying, basically, what's up, you'd said we'd talk, are you ok, and then moving into, dude, what's going on, did you stand me up?
He said he was sorry that had happened, but he too busy to talk.
This morning I asked what was up, he said that "he needed downtime" earlier actually meant it was time to talk but that when I didn't answer he went and did other stuff without following up or clarifying. He said that when the issue was noticed it was more important to him to attend the rest of the conference that night than to talk with me even to just verbally apologize.
It's a level of thoughtlessness and unkindness I just didn't deserve. This isn't a matter of him not knowing -- I told him, this would be hard for me, here are some options. He chose his option. Then he didn't take care with it. He didn't take care with me.
And every time I've felt safe and comfortable with him he'll do something like this. It's such a ride, and I have enough rides in my life right now.
So we're going to talk on the 16th to wrap up loose ends and decide whether we're going to try and continue some kind of contact or friendship, because he has the conference today and his tattoo on Tuesday and I go in front of the disability police (and my counselor, thank goodness) on Monday.
It's been a long time coming. It was nice to be with someone who was really poly at his core, but we don't share enough other relationship values. And his slowly distancing himself in increments without discussing it first, it's been hard. So it's time, I guess.
Of course I'm going to wonder what if things had been a little different, and of course I'm going to regret that huge long history and so much work put into it on both sides just slipping away like this. And of course I'm going to miss him.
I wish I could wish him and his girlfriend picking up norovirus at the kink conference and then having to deal with it in his one bathroom apartment but I can't. I'm just sad. I'm glad I've been doing my poem a day (I should bundle them up over here at some point) because it's been really good for me, and glad that I have some pottery teaching classes lined up. I need to reach out to some friends, I guess.
I want to go to something I can be surrounded by likeminded people I don't already know. There's a wood firing kiln workshop in Minnesota. I'm sure there are garden things around. I think firemaker is happening? There's a lot of body stuff to think about, covid and ability, for anything like that. They're all outside and camping at least.
Siri has come to tell me to rest. I'll do so. What a sad thing to have to record.
It was just one too many unkindnessess. He had hid from me until not long before that he was going to a kink conference with his other girlfriend - a conference that he said he didn't want to attend with me because he didn't trust me, but that he wanted to work on trusting me.
I said, look, this is going to be a hard weekend for me because of the you going with someone else and because of the keeping it from me until the last minute so we don't have a chance to talk about it much, so I need to either go radio dark or have support by calling each other to chat during the weekend.
He said, let's keep in touch during it.
I said, are you sure? It'll be a busy weekend, a lot's going on, I'll be upset and want to hear comforting things, I only want to do this if you're sure you can be there for me.
I'll be there for you, he said.
At the appointed time he sent me a message saying he needed to take time for downtime. I waited for him to say he was ready to talk, but he didn't answer. Over the next couple hours I sent several messages saying, basically, what's up, you'd said we'd talk, are you ok, and then moving into, dude, what's going on, did you stand me up?
He said he was sorry that had happened, but he too busy to talk.
This morning I asked what was up, he said that "he needed downtime" earlier actually meant it was time to talk but that when I didn't answer he went and did other stuff without following up or clarifying. He said that when the issue was noticed it was more important to him to attend the rest of the conference that night than to talk with me even to just verbally apologize.
It's a level of thoughtlessness and unkindness I just didn't deserve. This isn't a matter of him not knowing -- I told him, this would be hard for me, here are some options. He chose his option. Then he didn't take care with it. He didn't take care with me.
And every time I've felt safe and comfortable with him he'll do something like this. It's such a ride, and I have enough rides in my life right now.
So we're going to talk on the 16th to wrap up loose ends and decide whether we're going to try and continue some kind of contact or friendship, because he has the conference today and his tattoo on Tuesday and I go in front of the disability police (and my counselor, thank goodness) on Monday.
It's been a long time coming. It was nice to be with someone who was really poly at his core, but we don't share enough other relationship values. And his slowly distancing himself in increments without discussing it first, it's been hard. So it's time, I guess.
Of course I'm going to wonder what if things had been a little different, and of course I'm going to regret that huge long history and so much work put into it on both sides just slipping away like this. And of course I'm going to miss him.
I wish I could wish him and his girlfriend picking up norovirus at the kink conference and then having to deal with it in his one bathroom apartment but I can't. I'm just sad. I'm glad I've been doing my poem a day (I should bundle them up over here at some point) because it's been really good for me, and glad that I have some pottery teaching classes lined up. I need to reach out to some friends, I guess.
I want to go to something I can be surrounded by likeminded people I don't already know. There's a wood firing kiln workshop in Minnesota. I'm sure there are garden things around. I think firemaker is happening? There's a lot of body stuff to think about, covid and ability, for anything like that. They're all outside and camping at least.
Siri has come to tell me to rest. I'll do so. What a sad thing to have to record.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 09:59 pm (UTC)People will always "disappoint" you, and rules are pretty much pointless.
They sound good in theory, contracts, agreements, "trusting" people on how well they live up to the negotiated parameters but to be honest in a pinch people will blow it no matter what's signed on or agreed to or whatever.
Take my wife for example: Married for 30 years, she met a new guy for "lunch", then vanished for 2 days coming home properly "disciplined" or whatever. Young me would have been upset at this, we had agreements to talk about new lovers, call in so we wouldn't be worried, and all that. Similar thing happened 20 years prior with my girlfriend at the time and it led to months of psychodrama, tears, renegotiated agreements, and finally me just walking away.
But by this point I was like "shrug". I mean the wife is a grown woman, she can take care of herself. If the guy she met for lunch took her and killed her and dumped her in a lake there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it, and she'd surface at some point. Or not. So if she vanished then I'd have to deal, and take care of the kids. Well, and I would be sad beyond belief but she is a grown up and can make her decisions.
Guy wants to fuck her bareback? No negotiations, she went ahead and did it and told me afterwards which was fine. I just started wearing condoms as I was responsible for MY life not hers. Sure we had agreements to discuss this kind of thing, but in the heat of the moment that all went out the window. No biggie.
This happened before with the L girlfriend, and yes I was pretty upset with all the failings over time. But what I realized was that it didn't really matter: People do what they do and the big question was "is this worth it"? What ended that relationship was when she got upset that I *didn't* ask permission before seeing someone new and I was like "sorry, we let this go, and now you want me to uphold rules that you ignore".
Which was for the best: She had found a nice new person who was marriage material and I was not. Couple that with my life going nuts and I couldn't be the fun rich boyfriend anymore. I wasn't what she needed, and the best and proper result should have been "Sorry, but you don't meet my needs and new BF does, so I'm gone!" Which sounds harsh, but it's a lot better than just crying and agreeing to "change" when really you don't want to and have no real intention of doing so.
So.... I don't expect things anymore. If wife wants to go off on a weekend trip that's fine, I'll pinch hit for the kids and when I have to do the same thing she will pinch hit. If I want to go for a week with my GF to Switzerland it's fine, she can go to Spain with her boyfriend. And we can go to France together. All works out fine in the end without a whole lot of promises, commitments, or whatever.
Because when it comes down to it the question is "Is the fucking you're getting in the relationship greater than the fucking you're getting". If so you stay. If not you leave.
So that's that. If the BF wants to go to a swing party, he will. If he doesn't call, he doesn't. The bigger question is does he love and cherish you, and do you love and cherish him.
For my wife and I, and my girlfriend B and I that's shown in a billion tiny interactions we have all the time. No agreements per se, just a billion small things. Ok, I do have an agreement to see my GF every other week and I keep to it because I enjoy seeing her and it makes sure things don't get lost. And we do a trip abroad every year because it brings us together. So yeah there is that.
But in your case, the question is is the fucking you're getting worth the fucking you're getting. Are all of those little micro transactions there, or is it just large agreements that must be kept. Because if they're not, then no agreements, or trust building exercises, or hinging the relationship on a call or a missed communication will make a difference.
I wish I had known this 20 years ago, it would have made that relationship a lot easier to end.
Short answer: I'm sorry that you're wrapped around this axle. It sucks, no doubt.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 10:48 pm (UTC)