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Mar. 23rd, 2026 03:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormWell, at least some of it was PDA-induced. I got in my part of the form and immediately feel lighter and less like I want to die. Like, not at all like I want to die.
I've been unable to throw more than 5 pieces at a sitting for months, and yesterday evening I sat down and threw something like 8 pieces -- many were off-the-hump and several were cat food dishes, the easiest of pieces, but it was just nice to get outside that limit for once.
I've also been going outside, snuggling the dogs and looking at the snow melt back from the garden.
I'm probably going to come to terms at some point with how much energy I've spent, my entire life, working my way around my PDA into something that approached functionality. It's always involved having choices of some kind, and being thoughtful about making them. I can't describe just how little choice I have in my current situation; I do the disability paperwork how they want it, when they want it, or-- nothing. There's no changing jobs because I can't do a job. Even cobbling something together like attempting to full-time house or farm sit isn't possible because most people's houses are scented, and most farm sitting probably requires more than my body has in it.
I keep pretending I can keep the pigs but it definitely does make a big difference to my daily life to feed and water them. The birds are easier, but the pigs are really destructive so I need to be way more on top of infrastructure. But, yeah.
It's working on spring out there though. One daffodil is inexplicably coming up in a bare patch. The sorrel is spiking its first leaves up through the snow-- I guess that means it didn't get eaten by voles over winter, which bodes well for my whole herb garden. Buds are swelling on a couple things, dangerous with -11 forecast overnight soon but they have been moving that same forecast back one day at a time for something like two weeks so who knows.
I super forgot what else I was going to write, except that generally not being in fight-or-flight from PDA like I was for the last couple months is pretty good, and there's not quite enough ground revealed yet to garden but it's coming.
I've been unable to throw more than 5 pieces at a sitting for months, and yesterday evening I sat down and threw something like 8 pieces -- many were off-the-hump and several were cat food dishes, the easiest of pieces, but it was just nice to get outside that limit for once.
I've also been going outside, snuggling the dogs and looking at the snow melt back from the garden.
I'm probably going to come to terms at some point with how much energy I've spent, my entire life, working my way around my PDA into something that approached functionality. It's always involved having choices of some kind, and being thoughtful about making them. I can't describe just how little choice I have in my current situation; I do the disability paperwork how they want it, when they want it, or-- nothing. There's no changing jobs because I can't do a job. Even cobbling something together like attempting to full-time house or farm sit isn't possible because most people's houses are scented, and most farm sitting probably requires more than my body has in it.
I keep pretending I can keep the pigs but it definitely does make a big difference to my daily life to feed and water them. The birds are easier, but the pigs are really destructive so I need to be way more on top of infrastructure. But, yeah.
It's working on spring out there though. One daffodil is inexplicably coming up in a bare patch. The sorrel is spiking its first leaves up through the snow-- I guess that means it didn't get eaten by voles over winter, which bodes well for my whole herb garden. Buds are swelling on a couple things, dangerous with -11 forecast overnight soon but they have been moving that same forecast back one day at a time for something like two weeks so who knows.
I super forgot what else I was going to write, except that generally not being in fight-or-flight from PDA like I was for the last couple months is pretty good, and there's not quite enough ground revealed yet to garden but it's coming.
