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Apr. 25th, 2026 09:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormDammit. Yesterday the guy came to quote the fence and I headed to the back with him, then came back along the side fence and showed him where the gate needed to be cut. I hopped gates and climbed fences and ducked trees at my previous pace, not thinking much, and by bedtime I was at 8200 steps according to my not-super-accurate-but-still watch.
When I take Solly out I'm careful to do a gentle stroll. She mostly leads, so she can sniff and decide which parts of the fence need to be shored up with a poop marker (she will only poop within fifteen feet of a fence, and ideally within 5, and at distinct intervals along it. Like night barking it's part of guarding the property). I'm mindful that we need to walk 4x/day, which is a lot for my body, and I do what I can to mitigate that.
When I garden I have alternating short exertion and long slow periods. Last year I was able to develop an internal sensitivity that let me know when to rest.
I was not doing any of that yesterday afternoon, and though the guy was only here for 20 minutes I'm noticing distinct difficulty using stairs again today. I have all my day's food in the fridge but I'd soaked my pea seeds and really want to garden, and Solly will need her walks.
It's just so much harder to attune to myself around people. As I've said before it's probably a lot of habit. I know I haven't developed the skills to communicate (verbally or nonverbally) that I'm just done and need to stop or slow down even when I notice it's something I need. My habits around interaction developed before all this, at work and in groups of friends, and it will take a lot of repetition to change them. And, not being around people much, I don't have a lot of repetition.
When Avallu would nip at people who tried to come through the gate, I picked up a visceral "hand raised, palm out, just above belly-button height" gesture from one of the work violence-in-the-workplace webinars. Saying "wait, stop" just made people step closer to the gate to talk, but if I did that gesture big and confident, they less often came closer. It didn't need a ton of explanation, I could do it, get myself to the gate or grab Avallu, and then just pick up talking as normal. It's a gesture that communicates on its own, and breaks the person out of their automatic movements.
I need something like that for "I'm just done". Sitting on the ground doesn't do it, and if I'm just done I may not be able to get back up. Yawning is rude. Maybe massaging the bridge of my nose or temples, which is kind of a headache-signal?
I'm writing because I want to be outside and I'm disappointed and trying not to think about it, but this writing is also using my energy.
When I take Solly out I'm careful to do a gentle stroll. She mostly leads, so she can sniff and decide which parts of the fence need to be shored up with a poop marker (she will only poop within fifteen feet of a fence, and ideally within 5, and at distinct intervals along it. Like night barking it's part of guarding the property). I'm mindful that we need to walk 4x/day, which is a lot for my body, and I do what I can to mitigate that.
When I garden I have alternating short exertion and long slow periods. Last year I was able to develop an internal sensitivity that let me know when to rest.
I was not doing any of that yesterday afternoon, and though the guy was only here for 20 minutes I'm noticing distinct difficulty using stairs again today. I have all my day's food in the fridge but I'd soaked my pea seeds and really want to garden, and Solly will need her walks.
It's just so much harder to attune to myself around people. As I've said before it's probably a lot of habit. I know I haven't developed the skills to communicate (verbally or nonverbally) that I'm just done and need to stop or slow down even when I notice it's something I need. My habits around interaction developed before all this, at work and in groups of friends, and it will take a lot of repetition to change them. And, not being around people much, I don't have a lot of repetition.
When Avallu would nip at people who tried to come through the gate, I picked up a visceral "hand raised, palm out, just above belly-button height" gesture from one of the work violence-in-the-workplace webinars. Saying "wait, stop" just made people step closer to the gate to talk, but if I did that gesture big and confident, they less often came closer. It didn't need a ton of explanation, I could do it, get myself to the gate or grab Avallu, and then just pick up talking as normal. It's a gesture that communicates on its own, and breaks the person out of their automatic movements.
I need something like that for "I'm just done". Sitting on the ground doesn't do it, and if I'm just done I may not be able to get back up. Yawning is rude. Maybe massaging the bridge of my nose or temples, which is kind of a headache-signal?
I'm writing because I want to be outside and I'm disappointed and trying not to think about it, but this writing is also using my energy.
