Home Again, Home Again...
Jun. 17th, 2003 10:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI'm in tune again. That doesn't mean that I'm not sad, envious, worried, or anxious sometimes. It means that those things are at the levels they should be, that my life is the shape I want and those emotions are adornments that spring from natural, explainable reasons in the proper proportions.
It does mean I feel as if my relationships are in harmony, in the place where I want them given the people I'm with. It means that I'm doing what I like doing -- in this case gardening (we stopped at some friends' on the way home. They're obtaining shovels and such so that I can start on their garden) and active stuff and communication and planning and who knows what else? It means that everything fits into place with my own unique shape and I like that a great deal.
I'm really glad that I was able to slip into closeness with the SO this afternoon/evening without too much jarring. I'm really glad I feel like I can go to him if I need to. I'm really glad of the new shape that my relationship with the Exotic is taking and amazed by how easy this transition seems to be. I'm really glad of the things I have in common with the Juggler and the things I don't, and I'm glad of the way he said goodbye to me three times today and sort of lingered around until I left. I feel cared for and respected, I don't feel strangled. This is all three relationships and my core self going right and my gods, it's really good.
This isn't to say stuff will be easy, although the relationship stuff (knock on wood? Eh, why bother, it won't last ;) is going as smoothly as cherry petals on water -- the pressure in the old arrangement built up, it became unhappy, there was a little bit of a turn and a click and here it's nice again.
I can't tell you how much I love the Exotic for this reasonableness that I still don't expect from him but that he seems to be displaying, this ability to consider himself as a whole person with his own needs which I thought he didn't have. I can't tell you how much I love the SO for sliding seamlessly into caring for me, into reaching for my hand when we're walking and just being able to talk about and listen to things, even when we haven't talked much for a month. I can't tell you how much I love the Juggler for sneaking away with me and doing really important wonderful things -- like talking! really talking! -- when there's all this other stuff going on that could be entertaining him socially.
I can't tell you how much it means to me that my life actually has so much potential in it. I'd really thought that I'd never be this happy, I couldn't even conceive that this could exist. I don't feel dependent on any one person, I don't feel responsible for anyone except myself, I feel as if I can give if it's asked of me.
I'm worried about the SO and how he's not taking care of himself, how he's tired when he doesn't sleep the weekend and then feels awful when he goes to work. I'm worried about how he's stressed out. I'm worried about how the Exotic will handle this change in our relationship and in how things will work when he comes out. I'm... not really worried about the Juggler, actually, except for maybe whether he's getting enough personal/TOW relationship space, but the thing is that none of these things are my burdens. They're borne by someone else and I can give comfort and advice and sometimes even maybe help a little but they just aren't mine.
My own burdens exist, yes, but they're mine to choose and not other people's to put on me. I choose them because they lead down the path I want to take, because the reward for bearing them is worth the effort.
And so, you ask, how are the roses? They're beautiful, there's been no more defoliation, granted it didn't get quite that warm this weekend and they were skillfully clumped to shade each other....
Love, Cadfael, and Abe Darby's flowers are gone, the first flush is over. Heritage is still going and Cecile's started (he's got a very strange flower indeed that's half shoot which is neat, and damn, I miss that digital camera already).
The kiwis look good and I didn't check for blossom drop, the sunflowers have got their first leaves, the baby's breath is indeed blooming, the honeysuckle is climbing quickly and should be pinched back, the clematis leaves are turning vaguely red (from full-sun exposure, I think, not unhealthy but just darkish) and the ground cherries look fine. buttercup has adjusted to her new home nicely, the spruce has started hardening up its shoots, and the bamboo's working on unfurling them.
That's about all I could tell in the dark.
If I were going to be coy I could hint to the Juggler that my Friday is free and the Other Woman's going to be out so we could go biking then. He's noticed that he never gets to ask me over as his girlfriend because I'm always over there as gardener/activity co-participant. Would hinting the above information be too much? I think so. I won't tell anyone about it. ;)
Oh, yeah. He had these work/friends over today and I was amused by that. Luckily I went home soon after -- my mischievous streak was definitely starting to rub. At the very least I wanted to settle close by and grin insanely at the friends whenever they looked my way. That's definitely suspicious behaviour, no? I don't think I could have managed an innocent grin, either.
I realise that the easiest part to play with him would be hopelessly smitten flirt/would-be adulteress which would probably reflect poorly on me to the masses, but hey? It'd be fun. Poor boy.
I seem to have acquired a sunburn and left my good vibrator over at their place. That doesn't strike me as a quite fair exchange, somehow.
Hmm. Well, that's that for now, more another time, and take care. It's a lovely night out; enjoy it.
It does mean I feel as if my relationships are in harmony, in the place where I want them given the people I'm with. It means that I'm doing what I like doing -- in this case gardening (we stopped at some friends' on the way home. They're obtaining shovels and such so that I can start on their garden) and active stuff and communication and planning and who knows what else? It means that everything fits into place with my own unique shape and I like that a great deal.
I'm really glad that I was able to slip into closeness with the SO this afternoon/evening without too much jarring. I'm really glad I feel like I can go to him if I need to. I'm really glad of the new shape that my relationship with the Exotic is taking and amazed by how easy this transition seems to be. I'm really glad of the things I have in common with the Juggler and the things I don't, and I'm glad of the way he said goodbye to me three times today and sort of lingered around until I left. I feel cared for and respected, I don't feel strangled. This is all three relationships and my core self going right and my gods, it's really good.
This isn't to say stuff will be easy, although the relationship stuff (knock on wood? Eh, why bother, it won't last ;) is going as smoothly as cherry petals on water -- the pressure in the old arrangement built up, it became unhappy, there was a little bit of a turn and a click and here it's nice again.
I can't tell you how much I love the Exotic for this reasonableness that I still don't expect from him but that he seems to be displaying, this ability to consider himself as a whole person with his own needs which I thought he didn't have. I can't tell you how much I love the SO for sliding seamlessly into caring for me, into reaching for my hand when we're walking and just being able to talk about and listen to things, even when we haven't talked much for a month. I can't tell you how much I love the Juggler for sneaking away with me and doing really important wonderful things -- like talking! really talking! -- when there's all this other stuff going on that could be entertaining him socially.
I can't tell you how much it means to me that my life actually has so much potential in it. I'd really thought that I'd never be this happy, I couldn't even conceive that this could exist. I don't feel dependent on any one person, I don't feel responsible for anyone except myself, I feel as if I can give if it's asked of me.
I'm worried about the SO and how he's not taking care of himself, how he's tired when he doesn't sleep the weekend and then feels awful when he goes to work. I'm worried about how he's stressed out. I'm worried about how the Exotic will handle this change in our relationship and in how things will work when he comes out. I'm... not really worried about the Juggler, actually, except for maybe whether he's getting enough personal/TOW relationship space, but the thing is that none of these things are my burdens. They're borne by someone else and I can give comfort and advice and sometimes even maybe help a little but they just aren't mine.
My own burdens exist, yes, but they're mine to choose and not other people's to put on me. I choose them because they lead down the path I want to take, because the reward for bearing them is worth the effort.
And so, you ask, how are the roses? They're beautiful, there's been no more defoliation, granted it didn't get quite that warm this weekend and they were skillfully clumped to shade each other....
Love, Cadfael, and Abe Darby's flowers are gone, the first flush is over. Heritage is still going and Cecile's started (he's got a very strange flower indeed that's half shoot which is neat, and damn, I miss that digital camera already).
The kiwis look good and I didn't check for blossom drop, the sunflowers have got their first leaves, the baby's breath is indeed blooming, the honeysuckle is climbing quickly and should be pinched back, the clematis leaves are turning vaguely red (from full-sun exposure, I think, not unhealthy but just darkish) and the ground cherries look fine. buttercup has adjusted to her new home nicely, the spruce has started hardening up its shoots, and the bamboo's working on unfurling them.
That's about all I could tell in the dark.
If I were going to be coy I could hint to the Juggler that my Friday is free and the Other Woman's going to be out so we could go biking then. He's noticed that he never gets to ask me over as his girlfriend because I'm always over there as gardener/activity co-participant. Would hinting the above information be too much? I think so. I won't tell anyone about it. ;)
Oh, yeah. He had these work/friends over today and I was amused by that. Luckily I went home soon after -- my mischievous streak was definitely starting to rub. At the very least I wanted to settle close by and grin insanely at the friends whenever they looked my way. That's definitely suspicious behaviour, no? I don't think I could have managed an innocent grin, either.
I realise that the easiest part to play with him would be hopelessly smitten flirt/would-be adulteress which would probably reflect poorly on me to the masses, but hey? It'd be fun. Poor boy.
I seem to have acquired a sunburn and left my good vibrator over at their place. That doesn't strike me as a quite fair exchange, somehow.
Hmm. Well, that's that for now, more another time, and take care. It's a lovely night out; enjoy it.
